It was only after their meal had ended and the couple had
made their way back into the Montana cold that I really understood how
impressive, and disturbing, the burger eating had actually been. As I moved her nearly empty plate to begin
busing the table, I was greeted by the upper-half of her smile staring up at
me. She had left her dentures right there
on the table.
 |
| So do you come here often? CREDIT. |
My first reaction was utter disgust. Here were a woman’s teeth just hanging out on
the table under the edge of her plate.
She hadn’t even placed them on a napkin like I did with my retainer when
I was fifteen. That would make sense. Instead, the elderly woman had taken out her
slobbery teeth and just let them rest on a table in a busy restaurant. Germs apparently weren’t a consideration.
After getting over my initial reaction of disgust, I began
to contemplate how I should go about removing the dentures from the table and
what to do with them anticipating the couple’s return for the rather important
item. I finally decided to go in with a
paper towel and a plate and go after her teeth like a man. Just so you know, even with a paper towel it
is not an enjoyable task to pick up a pair of someone else’s dentures. They felt warm and slippery and altogether
unpleasant. I would place it on the same
level as picking up dog shit with a plastic bag. I don’t care who you are or how many dogs
you’ve owned, no one likes feeling poop on the other side of a thin layer of
plastic. Dentures easily fall in this
category.
Once I’d finally worked up the courage to get the dentures
on a plate and safely to the office, I had time to truly appreciate what an
incredibly feat gumming a half-pound burger is.
That takes some serious skill.
This woman didn’t even go in with a knife and fork. She picked that bad boy up and managed to
decimate it without a full set of teeth.
And I didn’t even notice until I was left to pick her dentures up from
the table. Kudos, old lady.
The next time someone complains about our burgers being too
big, I will suppress the urge to compare them to a toothless old woman who
knows how to get shit done. I will similarly
suppress the urge to laugh at them and tell them that they – and their teeth –
are not as awesome as they think they are.
Unfortunately, regaling my guests with a story involving picking up
someone else’s dentures is not exactly appropriate mealtime conversation – no matter
how incredible that story is. This will
just have to be an inside joke between you and me.
And don’t worry; she came back for her teeth.
