A Journey through Search Terms Strikes Again

Every so often I like to open up Google Analytics and dive into the search terms that lead people to this blog.  It’s just sort of interesting to see how people got here.  It’s also interesting or sad to see how much people suck at grammar and spelling.  But I digress.

Of course it wouldn’t be fun if I just kept all these searches to myself.  That’s just selfish and a horrible waste of good content.  All that being said, lets jump into more searches and see if I can clear up some of those burning Hooters questions.

Do they flash you at Hooters?
I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that you’re a male between the ages of 11 and 15.  With that in mind, I understand why you had this question – your raging hormones and dropping balls made you do it.  Now, the simple answer to your question is no.  No, Hooters Girls will not flash you.  Unless you count sometimes forced smiles of course.  If you’re looking for flashing I suggest Mardi Gras or a strip club.  Of course you’d need to be of age for that; until then I’m sure you can get your sweaty little hands on a Playboy.  Ask your dad.

What is the history of Hooters?
Hooters began in 1983 when six dudes with no restaurant background decided to open a sports bar in Clearwater, Florida.  Being that six men started the venture, it’s no surprise that the restaurant featured fried food, cold beer and attractive waitresses in a casual atmosphere.  Fast forward a few years and Hooters now operates nearly 460 stores in 44 states and well over 20 countries.  For not knowing anything those guys clearly got something right.

What is bad about working at Hooters?
Like any serving job, probably the worst part of working at Hooters is dealing with total assholes that treat you like you’re not a real person with an actual life.  Of course if you read this blog on a regular basis you already knew that.  Let me go ahead and list some other (but certainly not all) negatives for you: shitty tippers, nylons, creepy old men, creepy young men, women who think you’re flirting, Hooters Girl drama, runs in nylons, wearing the uniform during your “special time,” having to sing the birthday song when you’re busy as shit, boob ooglers and did I mention shitty tippers?

Can you grab the boobs of the girls at Hooters?
Please refer above to “Do they flash you at Hooters,” my once again obviously pubescent friend.  No, you cannot grab a Hooters Girl.  Boobs or otherwise.  That sort of behavior isn’t even allowed at strip clubs.  I highly recommend a girlfriend.

What is the healthiest way to eat Hooters wings?
I hate to break to you, but wings and healthy are not exactly the best of friends.  It’s just one of those unfortunate byproducts of deep-frying.  The healthiest way would bet to not eat them at all.  Sorry to burst your I’m-going-to-lose-weight-while-eating-wings bubble.  That stuff just doesn’t happen.  If you still need your wings I’d suggest you get them naked and plain.  That’s means no wing sauce and no ranch.  Sounds nasty right?  Exactly.  Instead ask for boneless wings grilled and lightly sauced.  Still skip the dressing on the side.  Your ass will thank me later.

Are Hooters uniforms one size fits all?
Hooters uniforms do come in sizes.  They sizes available are xxxs, xxs, xs, and s.  If this seems totally unrealistic, that’s because it is.  Your Hooters uniform size does not reflect your true size in most cases.  I, for example, wear an xs-s (each uniform piece seems to fit differently) but wear a small to a medium or a 4-6 in my real life.

How do you ask a Hooters Girl to marry you?
First, I’d say an average of two to three years of serious dating is a good start.  You’re certainly not going to walk into a Hooters with a ring and get down on one knee in front of the first girl you see.  That’s just laughable.  Or creepy. 

How do you drink Aqua Net?
Are you serious right now?  That’s some pretty intense shit.  I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that’s probably not the best idea you’ve ever had.

I hate working at Hooters.
If you hate working at Hooters I’d recommend NOT working at Hooters.  It’s no secret that I love my job, but that certainly doesn’t make it for every one.  If you hate then it’s time to move on rather than passive aggressively searching on the Internet.  Just get ‘er done, honey.

What do I wear to eat at Hooters?
Luckily for you there is no formal dress code at Hooters.  That’s right, we don’t require sport jackets.  I would suggest clothes.

If your boobs are bigger than your waitress do you get a discount at Hooters?
That sounds like a rather innovative marketing campaign to me.  Unfortunately for all you DD+ ladies, Hooters does not offer discounts for your breast size.  I’m not going to get into all the issues that would arise with such a policy, but how would you even measure that?  Would it simply be a visible test?  Would there be scales and tape measure involved?  What about padding?  This feels way too complicated already.

Should I tape my ankles for triple jump?
Totally unrelated I know, but the trackster in me had to answer this.  Personally, I never taped my ankles for jumping unless I was recovering from a sprain.  Taping the ankles makes your joints too reliant on the external support and can cause you to lose some of your own strength and stability.  Obviously such a loss could eventually affect performance.  I’m not an expert, but I did jump over 37 feet and pay for college doing that shit.  I obviously got something right.

Does Hooters pay for boob jobs?
I am AMAZED at how prevalent this rumor is.  As I’ve mention before, Hooters does not pay for breast augmentations.  That would be one hell of a benefit system.

Hope I’ve cleared some things up.  Remember, if you have your own Hooters question, don't waste your time with Google and just email me instead – sauce@accordingtosauce.com

A Journey through Search Terms

Sometimes I get all nerdy and take a look at the various search terms that lead people to my blog.  Occasionally these adventures through my traffic sources actually lead to blog posts because sometimes people actually look up pretty legit questions.  Some people Google things like:  "pictures of girls picking wedgies, "I fucked a Hooters Girl," and "ass dad wife."  I regret to inform you, this post is not for you.  I now present a few select searches and my answers to them.  Glad I could help.

Do Hooters Girls use real names on their nametags?
Hooters Girls are supposed to use their real names on their nametags.  While I'm sure that there are both Hooters stores and Hooters Girls that break this rule, for the most part girls have their real names on their nametags.  At my store, we happen to have quite a few girls with different names - including two named Stormy - so we get this question quite often.  Yes, we really do have that many odd names; I guess our parents were all really original.

Are Hooters Girls promiscuous?
I would say that Hooters Girls are probably serve as a good sample of the population of women as a whole.  Basically all that mumbo gumbo means that I think that Hooters Girls are no more or less promiscuous than other woman.  Some are...um...easy and others are not.  This is no different from going to any bar on any Friday night - some girls will go home with you, but most probably won't.

Where can I find articles written about Hooters?
Yes, you're in the right place.  Stop here.  Now.  You can go anywhere on the Internet and find lots of crap about Hooters, but you should read mine first.

Can I share Hooters all you can eat wings?
Most Hooters will not let you share all you can eat wings.  After all, it's called all YOU can eat wings, not all you and your friends and your cousins and you neighbors can eat wings.  If you think about it, some people will eat less than, say, $12.99 worth of wings and some will eat more.  If you and every one else pitched in together you would obviously get your money's worth every time.  Good for you.  Bad for business.  You get the idea.

Can I buy the official Hooters uniform online?
Why yes you can buy the uniform online.  You can do so HERE.  But apparently they don't sell the shorts anymore.  For those, I'd try Ebay.

Do Hooters Girls get insurance?
Yes and no.  Because Hooters is a franchised company it is up to individual owners if they want to offer insurance.  I have worked for Hooters full-time for over two years and receive no insurance because it is not an offered benefit where I work.  But then again, I've never received a raise either.  I don't think my Hooters is the norm however.

Crafty things to do with old Hooters uniforms?
Um have I mentioned I ADORE crafts?!  Well I do.  I've never even thought about this, but I think it's fabulous that you're being all green about reusing your uniforms.  Why not make a tank top shaped throw pillow or perhaps an orange shorts hobo bag.  Or you could always burn the uniforms as a way to economically heat your home.  Yes, I'd probably go with that.

Does Hooters offer half off a boob job?
Contrary to popular belief, Hooters does not in fact offer boob jobs as a benefit.  This question appears - in varying forms - quite often amidst my searches.  Apparently this is common yet stupid belief.   So once again, Hooters does not give boobs jobs.  Or half off boob jobs.  Or half off hack boob jobs done in Tijuana.  I have seen Hooters Girls make the money to buy boobs by working at Hooters though.  Lucky them.

What are Hooters uniform sizes?

Hooters uniforms are available in size xxxs - small.  Yes, that's written correctly.  Yes, you read it correctly.  Don't worry; the sizes don't reflect actual sizes very well.

How much should I tip at Hooters?
Here is my solution to tipping at Hooters.  Is it the right way?  No, it's simply one solution to a question a lot of people have.  Tipping is individual and should not be expected.  In the end it's up to you.

Is it bad for my boyfriend to wear a Hooters shirt?
No, it is not bad for your boyfriend to wear a Hooters shirt.  It is after all, just an effing shirt.  Odds are, he went to Hooters, had a few wings, had a fun time and decided to buy a shirt.  Buying a shirt does not indicate that he cheated on at Hooters.  Or that he doesn't like you anymore.  Or any of the other totally off base conclusions you may jump to.  In fact, Hooters is probably the last place any of those things would happen.  And for the record we sell just as many shirts to girls.

When do Hooters Girls wear black?
Hooters Girls wear black every Friday.  This is called formal Friday is quite possibly the best day of the week.  We also wear black for "special events" like UFC or local college football games.  The special events change from store to store, but all stores participate in formal Fridays. 

Will a Hooters Girl kiss you if you ask?
Hate to kill any fantasies, but Hooters Girls will not kiss you even if you say please.  I don't think I need to elaborate.

So hopefully, somewhere out there on the Internet, I answered someone's burning Hooters question.  I try to be helpful now and again.  If you have your own Hooters question, don't waste your time with Google and email me instead - girlandguitar@live.com

Search Terms Will Never Cease to Amaze Me

Recently, this turned up in my search terms:

Can you ask to squeeze boobs of hooter girls?

Seriously?!  What do you think?!  No, you cannot ask to squeeze the boobs of Hooters Girls.  Actually, you can ask, but I can tell you with complete certainty that the answer will be no.  Or hell no.  Or a slap.  Or a hell no accompanied by a slap.  You get the idea.

As often happens with my searches, the main reason I even posted this is because I am fairly astounded that someone would come up with this question let alone take the time to plow through pages upon pages of Google results.  Really?  You were that unsure about this that you took the time to scour the Internet?  Wow, just wow.

Random Searches

Every now and again I check my analytics because I get some weird kick out of seeing how many people are reading my blog. I also enjoy seeing how people got here. The paths are varied: site referrals, links and my very favorite, searches. Looking at random Google search terms, I am amazed at some of things people come up with to find information.

"Girl with one leg Ihop"
The joke is as follows: If a girl with big boobs works at Hooters, than were does a girl with one leg work? Ihop. I can't believe you had a need to look that up, ever.

"Hooters 'smidge mean'"
Newsflash, it's not just Hooters girls that are a 'smidge mean,' all chicks are a smidge mean. It has something to do with having a vagina. Concentrate lots of good lookingish girls in one restaurant and that whole smidge thing may just get thrown out the window at times.

"Hooters cameltoe"
Cameltoe happens, end of story.

"Cheer car wash jailbait"
Shame on you for looking that up. Actually, shame on high school cheerleaders for looking like little sluts on street corners.

"Hooters sidework"
Contrary to popular belief there is sidework at Hooters. I may not roll silverware, but I wash dishes, sweep the floors, bus my own tables, dust random crap and do whatever else I'm told to do. While some Hooters may be sidework free, remember that Hooters is franchised so every restaurant is not the same.

"Hooters in shiny legs"
Thanks for adding the word 'in' here; it was completely unnecessary. Yes, I get into my shiny legs everyday and skip on down to Hooters. Putting those legs on is really tricky stuff.

"My boyfriend in nylons"
Word to the wise, honey. If your boyfriend is wearing nylons he probably shouldn't be your boyfriend anymore. However, he could be your girlfriend if you're into that sort of thing.

Finally, my personal favorite...
"How to frost a tit boob cake"
First off, I am a fan of your redundancy; in case you didn't know tit and boob are synonyms for future reference. Next, kudos for making a 'tit boob' cake. Finally, I will suggest fondant for that realistic tit skin look. If you prefer the goodness of frosting, I guess you'd just start at the nipple and work your way out. I am no tit boob cake expert here, but I am an expert in awesome and you, my friend, are awesome