Bringing Boobs to a Mouse Pad Near You

Hooters is one of those places that is known for souvenirs.  You eat some greasy wings, check out some tits, guzzle at least twenty-five ounces of beer and then get a t-shirt so you can remember it all tomorrow.  In fact, if I’m being a really good little Hooters Girl I’m supposed to hard sell at every table I have.  And let me tell you, I’m damn good at selling shit when I’m in the mood for it.  It just really isn’t that difficult to sell a cheap t-shirt or a calendar full of hot chicks.  Hell even I have a calendar full of hot chicks.  Who doesn’t want that shit adorning their lackluster walls?

Now is only your screen was 3D.

Some things though aren’t as easy to sell.  These include expensive items like golf bags (I’ve sold one) and poker sets (still working on that one).  They also include items like the booby mouse pad.  That’s right, Hooters sells a mouse pad with it’s own set of gel-filled, mini double-d’s.  And while it’s good for a laugh from pretty much every person who stops at the merchandise counter, it’s not exactly a big seller.  While they’ll all feel it up for a second or two, no one really seems to want to take that experience home with them.

Of course there are a few exceptions.  Purchasers of the mouse pad include creepy older businessmen, gag gifters - 50% at least - and awkward college students.  I can only imagine how an anatomical mouse pad could heighten the Internet porn viewing of a lonely college freshman in a darkened dorm room.  That just sounds like a match made in masturbation heaven.

Now with all that background, you can imagine my total surprise when I sold one of these mouse pads not to an acne prone teenager, but to a 75+ year-old woman.  Yes, I actually managed to sell one of our endowed mouse pads to a female senior citizen who couldn’t wait to get that thing on her desk.

Available in your choice of
skin tone!

“I’ve just never found a mouse pad with so much wrist support.  Much better than the silly ones my daughter keeps buying for me.”

This woman was generally excited about her purchase and prepared me for it being a hit at her assisted living facility.

“All the ladies will be in here next week getting their own!”

I love old people; they just don’t give a fuck what people think of them.  It’s refreshing.  That’s why I’m fully prepared for a barrage of support hose, canes and short perms to be busting down the doors of Hooters for a booby mouse pad.  They’ll be talking about them at quilting clubs and card tables and 5:00 p.m. suppers.  I feel a fad coming on.

Have I mentioned I freaking love old people?  Oh, I have.  Well I still effing do.

I'm a Winner

World peace!  CREDIT.

Somehow I totally forgot to mention that I am in fact a winner.  This could be due to me being such a winner all of the time that being a winner again totally slipped my mind.  I'm a permawinner.

So those of you who made it through that total crap above might remember that we had a merchandise contest at Hooters during the month of December.  As a recap, the contest basically amounted to seeing who could be the most awesome at selling shit. 

The following prizes were offered:

1.  Trip to Vegas:  free room at Hooters Hotel and $100 towards airfare
2.  Purple Hooters velour tracksuit
3.  Four Maulers tickets:  local farm hockey team full of young boys

So basically, no prize was worth winning but first place.  Unless you're really into tracksuits.  I was gunning for first.

And then I went to Europe missing eleven days of the contest.  So even though I was ahead when I left, it was pretty much a certainty that my lead wouldn't last for a third of the contest that I'd be missing.  I might be good, but not that good.

Upon my return from my fabulous Amsterdam adventure, I was greeted by the final tally posted in the back room.  There it was.  I'd finished third and had won a quartet of hockey tickets.  Lame.  What was lamer was the fact that I'd missed second by less than $100 and first by less than $400 - a margin easily made in eleven days.  I would have won.  But I'll take Europe over Vegas any day.

My competitive streak was wounded, but life went on.  It was just a contest after all.  So I kept working and forgot about it for a few days.  Soon payday rolled around and the envelope that accompanied my check quickly reminded me of the hockey tickets I hadn’t yet received.  Obviously this was the tickets.

It wasn't until hours later that I actually opened the envelope and saw not four hockey tickets, but a voucher for a free room in Vegas and a check for $100.  These were accompanied by a note saying that my hard work was being rewarded and that I too had received first prize.  Even though I hadn't actually won, it was acknowledged that I indeed would have had I had the same amount of time as everyone else.  I was totally floored.

So, kids, the moral of the story is you should always try your best because you may get the chance to go to Vegas and be a total sloppy drunk for four days and three nights.  That's what being an adult is like.

Why I Won't be Winning the Merchandise Contest

I'm winning the merchandise contest with nearly $900 in sales.  Ironically, the total sales for the contest are just over $3,500.  You do the math on how much the other girls I work with suck at sales.  Or suck at trying.  Or don't try at all.  Regardless, I'm still insanely competitive.  It's just my way.

While I'm ahead of second place by just over $100 (do some more math on how much the other girls REALLY suck at sales) I probably won't be winning.  It's not that I'm pessimistic, it's that I'll be missing ten days of the contest at the end of the month.  Ten days is an awful lot of selling no matter how much I try to pad my sales now.

So where will I be for ten days of December (and ten days of January as it were)?  I'll be being fabulous in Europe of course.  Oh did I forget to mention that?  Yeah, I'm spending my holidays in the Netherlands.  I'm not mad about it.

So I might not win - though I'll still likely place - but I have to say I'm not too concerned about it.  Europe is an awful good reason not to win, after all most of the girls are losing due to laziness.  At least I'll lose because I'm on a different continent.  That's a real reason.

Now who wants to send me $50 and I'll sell you a gift card?

Oh and don't worry.  I'll be auto-posting some of my "greatest hits" while I'm gone in addition to *trying* to post some awesome posts from abroad.  If only there were a Hooters in Amsterdam.

Sauce Gets Competitive

It's competition time at Hooters.  To the general populace this is more commonly known as "the holidays."  Of course those of us who work in any type of retail environment know that it's not so much of time of family gatherings as it's a time of selling the shit right out of stuff.  Allow me to elaborate.

During the month of December, Hooters wants me and every other Hooters Girl to sell as many "souvenirs" as we can.  Obviously, we are always expected to sell stuff, but during the holidays the expectation rises exponentially.  Ideally, I am meant to mention merchandise at every table and generally I do; my sales numbers are always pretty high.  Other girls struggle with the whole sales part of the Hooters Girl job.  Usually this is met with a not so serious warning.  But this is competition time and things have changed.

As a way to increase December sales, Hooters always holds some sort of competition in which the top seller receives a prize.  Last year the first girl to reach $750 in merchandise and gift card sales received 50% off any merchandise purchases for an entire day for "Christmas shopping."  Um, I work at Hooters.  I don't want to be constantly reminded of that by buying all my family Hooters shit.  Besides that hardly seems thoughtful.  And don't even get me started on the fact that it was just an opportunity for Hooters to make more money.  Whatever.  I won the contest with a nearly $200 lead.  Only all I wanted was a sweatshirt so they just gave me one.  So I made them bunches of money and I got a sweatshirt.  Go me?

This year, however, Hooters really stepped up their game and are giving away a freaking trip to Vegas.  Now when I say trip to Vegas I mean they are giving a two-night stay at Hooters Hotel (which they get for free) and $100 toward a plane ticket.  So basically they are giving away $100 when it's all said and done.  But that's not the effing point.  The effing point is that I am the most competitive person in the world and I WILL win.  And then I will go to Vegas and be utterly fabulous.

Day one of the contest I was the leading seller with $150 in sales.  Go me indeed.  Then I had two days off and now I have no idea what's going on and who has sold what.  All I know is that tomorrow it is so freaking on.  And to that man who said I was the best salesperson he'd ever seen, thank you for realizing my supreme level of awesome.  And for buying two shirts you didn't even know you wanted.

So who wants to drive to Missoula and do a little Christmas shopping?