I Want to Be On TV

Tonight I am going to a playoff game.  This is awesome for several reasons.  First, it is awesome because here in the FCS (or Football College Subdivision or Division 1-AA or whatever the heck else you want to call it) we actually believe in playoffs.  I'm talking to you BCS.  Stop being a money grubbing whore and instate a playoff system.  Don't even get me started.  Seriously.

Second, now that I'm done venting, this is awesome because it's a night game.  To most this wouldn't be cool, but at our stadium we have no lights.  Yes, a stadium that seats 26,000 and is arguably one of the nicest (if not the nicest) in its conference nationally has no lights.  We're working it.  Until then, to host a night game portable lights are brought in at a cost that would have easily paid my college tuition in full.  And probably bought me a car.  Or two.

Now this might seem ridiculous, but it makes sense when you consider the third and definitely most awesome thing about this game is that it's airing tonight, in primetime, on ESPN.  And those Disney sports people are footing that light bill.  Anyway, this is a big deal for the University of Montana.  While we're a favorite since the playoffs started, this means that ESPN thinks we're pretty great too.  This is ESPN people, they know their shit.

While our playoff games have made national television before, they are usually relegated to little sister channel, ESPN 2.  This my friends is the big show.  I, for one, am very excited.

Now, I need you to do the following things:

1. Watch ESPN this evening beginning at 8:00 p.m. Eastern.   You will receive extra credit if you wear maroon.  Double extra credit if you TiVo.
2. Realize how warm your house is when the commentators inevitably remark on the fact that it is fifteen degrees fahrenheit.
3. Become deeply enthralled in the excitement of a playoff.  Yup, I'm talking to you again BCS.
4. Perhaps most important, look for the following sign.  If it is being held by a chick, that's likely me.  If it's being held by a giant man who towers over all the regular looking people, that's probably Dreamy.  If you don't see anyone holding it we have both passed away from hypothermia or alcohol poisoning.

The sign is a reference to the fact that first off, we are hardly ever on ESPN and also that our playoff game last week was only aired on ESPN 3.  If you are unfamiliar, this is an Internet service.  An Internet service that isn't available in the majority of the state of Montana due to limited bandwidth through many providers.  It was a big deal.  In fact it was such a big deal that enough people whined and complained to ESPN (including our representatives and governor) that they ended up offering it on pay-per-view.  And ending up making lots of money.  Everybody wins!

Whatever, all you really need to be concerned with is the fact that it has glitter on it.  That's more important than anything really.

So I hope you'll follow my steps for Friday night enjoyment.  Think of me as I freeze my ass of in a peppermint schnapps induced euphoria.  

GO GRIZ!!!

To Working Doubles

We don't do doubles.  It has long been a rule that at Hooters of Missoula that a girl will only work one shift a day.  I'm not really sure why this is, but I think it might have something to do with the fact that most girls can't be truly hooterrific for more than five to six hours at a time.  Just think about being that peppy and happy and nice for ten or more hours while drunks and entitled bitches harass the shit right out of you.  Yeah, that doesn't sound too fun does it?

Of course sometimes - like tomorrow - college homecoming and UFC decide to happen on the same day.  This means two things:

1)  Every collegiate bitch at Hooters will request the day off to get wasted and pretend to give two shits about football.  I understand.  I've been there.  The difference is I legitimately do care about football and actually understand the rules.  But whatever, I had my college experience.  Knock 'em dead, ladies.

2)  Girls not taking the day off to be wasted - which is most - will avoid UFC like the plague.  This is because UFC means you will either make a shitload of money or no money at all - the latter being all too common.  This will depend on your section, which are always small on UFC nights, and who sits in said section.  If you get one or more tables of teenagers in your five to six table section you are totally screwed.  They will all order waters and ten boneless wings for twelve people to split.  It pretty much rocks.

So what happens when a gillion people request the day off?  It means that you might end up working an elusive double.  And by might end up, I really mean that out of the entire staff of Hooters Girls I am the only one working a double.  I think this might be because I am most excellent at always being happy.  And I totally rock my job.

Yup, I'll be at Hooters from 10 a.m. until midnight or maybe even later.  I'm hoping it will give me lots to write about.  I'm also hoping that I will be swimming in money just like Uncle McScrooge.  You know, McSrooge from "DuckTales" only without the funny accent and live-in nephews.  That's a nice visual.

Oh Wait, What Are Our School Colors Again?

Tomorrow marks the first college football game of the season. This is a huge deal. Missoula, Montana is love-drunk with the University of Montana Grizzlies. Here, football is king and fall Saturdays are everyone's favorite day of the week. In the stadium, over 25,000 fans will gather in a city home to less than 80,000 people. It is loud and amazing and if it were a city it would be Montana's seventh largest by population. Montana football is not just a sport, but a way of life.

I won't be in the stadium cheering the Griz to (hopefully) yet another National Championship game. I won't even be watching the game on TV. No, I'll be at Hooters watching other people watch the game. I'll watch you cheer and get excited and when you get really loud I'll know to look up from catering to your every need to catch the score. You're welcome for that fifth beer and oh hey, we're winning. Sweet.

Now generally I do enjoy working a football Saturday. Yes, I'd rather be at the game roaming aimlessly from tailgate to tailgate and attempting to avoid death by trampling in the student section, but overall working is not so bad. Football games mean drunk people and drunk people generally forget when they're spending money. Thanks for the 50% tip! In addition to lose wallets, Griz games mean I get to wear my favorite uniform top. When you wear the same thing every effing day you have to appreciate the shinning moments of variety. It's like watching a Family Guy episode where they get dressed up. Oh hey, Stewie is wearing a little tie! How delightful!

Of all my Hooters tops the Griz top is easily my favorite. The glaring orange across my chest is replaced by a pleasant maroon and the owl even gets his own cute, little Griz football helmet. The slogan "Big Sky Country" becomes "Griz Nation" while "Delightfully Tacky, Yet Unrefined" becomes "Go Griz" across my back. I love this top all the more because it black and, as noted earlier this week, I love a black uniform. Basically, this uniform top is pure, freaking sexy.

Unfortunately, all my excitement for my very favorite uniform has been replaced by dread. You see when my manager went to order more tops for the new girls she forgot one all-important request. She forgot to tell them to use maroon. So Hooters did what Hooters does best and used orange. The logo is orange, the helmet is orange and "Go Griz" is orange. Of course, since Hooters Girls all have to look like little clones of each other this means I can't wear my old top anymore. Since I can't wear my old top I am forced to purchase a new top. Essentially, here I am paying for someone else's mistake. Needless to say I am very excited about this prospect. Please note the sarcasm in the preceding sentence.

I realize that a top will only cost me $5.95, but since I already have a perfectly good, much cooler looking Griz top, I'm none too happy about forking over six bucks of my tips tomorrow morning. I'm sorry you forgot to request what is probably the most crucial part of the uniform. Let me go ahead and pay for that for you. After all, I love spending needless money on things I'm going to wear less than ten times almost as much as I loving wearing a sports team top featuring the colors of a rival team. You just have to appreciate the irony in that. I love the orange color of the Griz jerseys, oh wait, that's Idaho State. Oops!

So stop on in and see me in my unGriz Griz top tomorrow. I'd love to explain why I'm wearing orange while you get shitty drunk. Oh, and to add insult to injury I'll be wearing my orange shorts too. Yes, with a black top. Fashion faux pas are so awesome.