Receipt Art: May 6, 2011

Recently I've been adding mountains to a lot of my receipts regardless of the picture in the foreground.  I think it adds depth to my scenes.  Plus I like to draw mountains for some reason.  Something about how linear I do them just makes me happy.  Feel free to think I'm weird.

I present two of my receipt arts from Friday that both include mountains, but very different overall feels.  The first is a golf scene for a group who braved the light drizzle to hit the links.  I used artistic license and went with sun instead.

I'm in love with how cute that golf bag turned out.

I also added my mountains to a typical spring theme of a mama duck and her babies complete with cattails. 

Here you might notice that below mama duck my table drew a little parachuting stick man.  The group - who eat at Hooters fairly regularly - work at the Smokejumper Center here in town.  Why I've never thought to draw them smokejumpers is beyond me.  That would make sense.

Hooters' Weekend Champion of Awesome

Not made for me, but should have been.  CREDIT

I just gave myself an award.  It’s the “Hooters' Weekend Champion of Awesome” award and I totally earned the shit out of it.  As usual, I was scheduled Saturday and Sunday dayshifts and did my thing slinging wings and beers like nobody’s business.  Being as it was one of the biggest weekends of the spring due to several different large events going on, including a large rugby tournament called Maggotfest (seriously look that up), a brewfest and a three day college rodeo, we expected to be busy.  And we were.  I was ready to make some money.

I got my wish.  But the reason wasn’t just because we were busy.  The reason I was because getting drunk – an annual hallmark of this particular weekend – was more important than working for more than one of our girls.  Without getting into all the messy details, several girls ended up not showing up and throwing everyone else under the bus.  A bus that’s simultaneously burst into flames and had total break failure.  Calls were frantically made and in end the options were few.  So I did what I had to do and put on my big girl shorts and put in a double.  And I didn’t do that once.  I did that twice.  Saturday and Sunday.

The best part is, it was tiring, but I actually liked doing all that work.  This either means I really love my job or makes me insane.  Or likely both.

Really though, the coolest part was that I had a first on Saturday evening as I was juggling a 15 top in addition to a nearly full section.  As I was introducing myself to a table of three, one of the guys stopped me.

“Wait, you’re Sauce?  Do you write that awesome blog?!”

In over two years of writing on, I have never had anyone recognize me at work – which is actually mildly surprising.  Not only was a recognized, he went on to tell the couple with him that reading my blog was a must and he’d forward it to them.  I was incredibly flattered.  My coolest table of the night had made my week.  And then they left me a 50% tip.  For that I love you.  Seriously.

Give me a sign if you’re reading this.  Like a cyber high five or something.

So if anyone else wants to come in and tell me how wonderful I am, I work pretty much all the time.  I’ll even give you a free soda.  Just don’t tell my boss.  He’ll really miss that $2.79.

Also, to the gentleman who came in and left me the note, silver dollar and chocolates, thanks for coming in to see me.  Sorry I wasn’t in that day, Hope you had fun and happy birthday!

A Note To Managers

If a girl who was the picture of perfect health yesterday calls in ten minutes before her shift because she's "throwing up everywhere," it's probably a lie.  If it happens to be Cinco de Mayo and it happens to fall on the most beautiful day of 2011 and the above happens, it's definitely a lie.

You're so gullible, manager!  I would make that girl come in and work.  It is her job after all.

By the way, I'm pretty sure I'm already coming down with something nasty for all of Memorial Day weekend.  Apparently fibbing is going around.

Are You Smarter Than a Hooters Girl?

She has glasses.  Obviously smart.

Wednesdays are trivia nights at my Hooters.  We call it “Are You Smarter Than a Hooters Girl?”  Feel free to make any jokes now.  I know exactly how that sounds.  Way back when we started doing trivia the name was just that – a name.  At no point did you actual play against a Hooters Girl.  This also meant that at no point did you get to find out if you were smarter than any Hooters Girls.  Unless you count the fact that I got the joy of writing all those trivia questions every week.  I’d say that made me a pretty smart Hooters Girl.  And one that totally hated Wednesdays.

Then a miracle happened.  In December we got Buzztime Trivia.  You know, that fancy on the TV trivia with the little blue answer boxes you can play at some restaurants and bars.  That meant that I never had to write another trivia question.  All these months later and I still haven’t had to write even one question.  It’s pretty much amazing.

What has changed however, is there is actually an “Are You Smarter Than a Hooters Girl?” game.  Of course we usually don’t play that.  It’s not that it’s not a good game, it’s that the crowd doesn’t like it as much as regular hosted trivia.  Hosted trivia is not only longer, but involves me as a host rather than a contestant.  Which people love.  I’m just loveable I suppose.

Of course this doesn’t mean that “Are You Smarter” has been totally avoided.  It’s been played a few times – mostly when our owner is around – including this evening.  And tonight, just like the other times we’ve played, it’s ended the same way.  I won.  In fact I am currently undefeated in “Are You Smarter Than a Hooters Girl?”  I suppose that means that no one is in fact smarter than this Hooters Girl.

While my success proves that fact, people instead see my winning as nothing but cheating.  It is assumed that I have seen the questions and answers before hand.  It is assumed incorrectly.  Believe it or not it is possible for a Hooters Girl to be smarter than you.

All my winning and all the subsequent whining has made it pretty clear that people don’t think smart and Hooters Girl go together.  Obviously this isn’t news to me, but it still pisses me right off.  Just because some girls aren’t the brightest bulbs doesn’t mean I’m one of them.  I’m lit up like a damn runway.  It also doesn’t mean I’m a cheater.  Guess what?  I’m smart and honest.  That’s just a few of the things that make me totally awesome.

Next time I kick your ass at trivia rest assured it’s totally reliant on my own laurels.  Yes, I really am smarter than you.  And look great in ultra tan pantyhose.  It’s a gift. 

A Journey through Search Terms Strikes Again

Every so often I like to open up Google Analytics and dive into the search terms that lead people to this blog.  It’s just sort of interesting to see how people got here.  It’s also interesting or sad to see how much people suck at grammar and spelling.  But I digress.

Of course it wouldn’t be fun if I just kept all these searches to myself.  That’s just selfish and a horrible waste of good content.  All that being said, lets jump into more searches and see if I can clear up some of those burning Hooters questions.

Do they flash you at Hooters?
I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that you’re a male between the ages of 11 and 15.  With that in mind, I understand why you had this question – your raging hormones and dropping balls made you do it.  Now, the simple answer to your question is no.  No, Hooters Girls will not flash you.  Unless you count sometimes forced smiles of course.  If you’re looking for flashing I suggest Mardi Gras or a strip club.  Of course you’d need to be of age for that; until then I’m sure you can get your sweaty little hands on a Playboy.  Ask your dad.

What is the history of Hooters?
Hooters began in 1983 when six dudes with no restaurant background decided to open a sports bar in Clearwater, Florida.  Being that six men started the venture, it’s no surprise that the restaurant featured fried food, cold beer and attractive waitresses in a casual atmosphere.  Fast forward a few years and Hooters now operates nearly 460 stores in 44 states and well over 20 countries.  For not knowing anything those guys clearly got something right.

What is bad about working at Hooters?
Like any serving job, probably the worst part of working at Hooters is dealing with total assholes that treat you like you’re not a real person with an actual life.  Of course if you read this blog on a regular basis you already knew that.  Let me go ahead and list some other (but certainly not all) negatives for you: shitty tippers, nylons, creepy old men, creepy young men, women who think you’re flirting, Hooters Girl drama, runs in nylons, wearing the uniform during your “special time,” having to sing the birthday song when you’re busy as shit, boob ooglers and did I mention shitty tippers?

Can you grab the boobs of the girls at Hooters?
Please refer above to “Do they flash you at Hooters,” my once again obviously pubescent friend.  No, you cannot grab a Hooters Girl.  Boobs or otherwise.  That sort of behavior isn’t even allowed at strip clubs.  I highly recommend a girlfriend.

What is the healthiest way to eat Hooters wings?
I hate to break to you, but wings and healthy are not exactly the best of friends.  It’s just one of those unfortunate byproducts of deep-frying.  The healthiest way would bet to not eat them at all.  Sorry to burst your I’m-going-to-lose-weight-while-eating-wings bubble.  That stuff just doesn’t happen.  If you still need your wings I’d suggest you get them naked and plain.  That’s means no wing sauce and no ranch.  Sounds nasty right?  Exactly.  Instead ask for boneless wings grilled and lightly sauced.  Still skip the dressing on the side.  Your ass will thank me later.

Are Hooters uniforms one size fits all?
Hooters uniforms do come in sizes.  They sizes available are xxxs, xxs, xs, and s.  If this seems totally unrealistic, that’s because it is.  Your Hooters uniform size does not reflect your true size in most cases.  I, for example, wear an xs-s (each uniform piece seems to fit differently) but wear a small to a medium or a 4-6 in my real life.

How do you ask a Hooters Girl to marry you?
First, I’d say an average of two to three years of serious dating is a good start.  You’re certainly not going to walk into a Hooters with a ring and get down on one knee in front of the first girl you see.  That’s just laughable.  Or creepy. 

How do you drink Aqua Net?
Are you serious right now?  That’s some pretty intense shit.  I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that’s probably not the best idea you’ve ever had.

I hate working at Hooters.
If you hate working at Hooters I’d recommend NOT working at Hooters.  It’s no secret that I love my job, but that certainly doesn’t make it for every one.  If you hate then it’s time to move on rather than passive aggressively searching on the Internet.  Just get ‘er done, honey.

What do I wear to eat at Hooters?
Luckily for you there is no formal dress code at Hooters.  That’s right, we don’t require sport jackets.  I would suggest clothes.

If your boobs are bigger than your waitress do you get a discount at Hooters?
That sounds like a rather innovative marketing campaign to me.  Unfortunately for all you DD+ ladies, Hooters does not offer discounts for your breast size.  I’m not going to get into all the issues that would arise with such a policy, but how would you even measure that?  Would it simply be a visible test?  Would there be scales and tape measure involved?  What about padding?  This feels way too complicated already.

Should I tape my ankles for triple jump?
Totally unrelated I know, but the trackster in me had to answer this.  Personally, I never taped my ankles for jumping unless I was recovering from a sprain.  Taping the ankles makes your joints too reliant on the external support and can cause you to lose some of your own strength and stability.  Obviously such a loss could eventually affect performance.  I’m not an expert, but I did jump over 37 feet and pay for college doing that shit.  I obviously got something right.

Does Hooters pay for boob jobs?
I am AMAZED at how prevalent this rumor is.  As I’ve mention before, Hooters does not pay for breast augmentations.  That would be one hell of a benefit system.

Hope I’ve cleared some things up.  Remember, if you have your own Hooters question, don't waste your time with Google and just email me instead – sauce@accordingtosauce.com

Silverware and Wings are Not Friends

Yum?  CREDIT.

In case anyone was wondering, wings are most defiantly a finger food.  This means you actually get to pick them up with your hands and stuff them in your hungry little face.  Your fingers become your utensils.  That’s just the way it is with wings.  And it’s one of the many reasons why we love the shit out of them.

That being said, nothing makes me cringe more than when a diner asks for silverware after I drop off a plate of spicy, greasy goodness at a table.  While I’m all for my guests being happy, there is probably nothing more awkward than watching a person try to attack a pile of wings with a fork and knife.  It’s just completely and utterly unnatural.

Imagine someone attempting to hold down a hot wing with a fork as it desperately tries to roll across the plate.  In their other hand, a knife painstakingly works at cutting the meat from the little, round bones.  The whole scene is just as uncomfortable as it sounds.

Every time this happens it takes everything within me not to yell, “pick the damn wings up and eat them!”  After all there is nothing in the least bit civilized about chicken wings.  And I think that’s kind of the point.  Wings are one of those wonderful foods that allow you to forgo all manners and eat like a caveman.  You can get dirty and no one cares.  You can eat with abandon.  You can be a total pig.  It’s all so wonderfully American.

So when it comes to wings, fork and knife need not apply.  If you’re one of those “proper” sorts of people that attempt the wing cutlery combo, please remember what you’re eating.  Also remember that your server is probably laughing at you as you struggle.  Do yourself a favor and pick those wings up and dig in.  After all there’s a reason why I give you endless paper towels and wet naps.  And it’s not so you can use a stupid fork.

Receipt Art: May 1, 2011

Remember how I used to draw on receipts all the time?  Well believe it or not I still do that on each and every receipt I print.  I just don't bring my phone to work anymore - because I try to be a good employee now and again - which is how I captured all those drawings.  The loss of my one source of immediate documentation has clearly reeked havoc on my posting of receipts.  Today I decided to attempt to remedy this lack of receipt artworks by actually bringing one home and posting it.  I'm going to do my best to keep this over achieving up.

So here it is.  My first receipt art post since December.

Isn't that little crab freaking adorable?!  I think I love him.  I also love the fact that I was able to sell a hot chocolate to a lady eating a blackened mahi sandwich.  Fish and chocolate.  I even impress myself sometimes.

$1.55

So this happened today...

That's a cool $1.55 tip on a $28.45 tab.  A tab which was paid for with a credit card.  This would be a good time to notice the overly dramatic cross through the zero on that credit card receipt.  Perhaps the best part though is how obviously all that changed is laid out so I could immediately note this incredibly generosity.  Just imagine all the time that saved me in counting.

The worst part - yes there is a part worse than simple shittiness of the tip - I was training today.  This means that I know I was on point because I was dragging a trainee around and teaching her to be totally awesome.  A Hooters Girl with a trainee is pretty much a sure sign that your service is going to be utterly perfect.  It's almost a sign as sure as how much these people stink.

Oh and if you're curious about the orange things, those are casino dollars.  Yes, my Hooters has a little casino and that monopoly money is worth a free dollar.  I kindly gave them that because they seemed like cool people.  Losers.