22 March 2012

Secret Pants

Those Hooters Girls' smiles actually mean, "check out that effin'
mess we have to clean up later."  CREDIT.
I’ve always had a soft spot for kids.  In fact, when I originally started college I was pretty sure I wanted to be a geography teacher.  While that may have changed, my adoration for little ones hasn’t.  Except for when they’re coloring all over the seats of my booths of course.

One of the things that I’ve come to appreciate about children is their total lack of censorship.  I love that kids will think a thought and then just let that thought come stumbling out of their mouths with reckless abandon.  Frankly that shit is amusing.

Take, for example, a gentleman of probably no more than five sitting with the rest of his family for dinner.  Handing out crayons and coloring sheets as I introduced myself, the boy stared at me intently rather than ripping excitedly into the crayon box like his siblings.  As I moved from introductions to drink orders, the boy finally broke his silence.

“So what are we gonna have for dri…”

“You’re not wearing any pants.”

He said it loud and without hesitation.  His mother instantly turned red as his dad shot him an I-can’t-believe-that-came-out-of-your-mouth look.  Meanwhile I was quickly formulating a response.  That’s the thing with kids; you have to be able fire back just as swiftly as they do.

“Well actually I’m just wearing really short pants.  See I think my dryer might be broken because when I put them in they were really much longer.  But I had to wear something!”

And while he seemed totally satisfied with this response I continued, “So to make up for it I did this instead.  Check it out!”

With that I reached down, pulled on my nylons and stretched them a little from my leg.

“See?  I decided to wear secret pants today!”

His eyes lit up like I had just told him that he’d won a free year of candy.  And a pony.  A pony made of candy.

So next time you’re at Hooters, don’t think of those horrible tan things as Nylons.  Think of them as secret pants.  They’re WAY more fun that way.


  1. Heh! Sort of reminds me of conversations I've had with my goddaughter over the years.

  2. I love the way you handled that kid's statement.
    I work with kids in "fun centers" (bowling alleys & roller rinks) & have to respond in the same manner.


  3. You just gave him a pantyhose fetish for the rest of his life! Hope he doesn't turn out like your NYLONS toy train guy.

    1. I didn't think of it that way! I created a monster!! Haha.

    2. Now he is going to start wearing his moms " secret pants" !

    3. Here is that boy in 45 years.


    4. I certainly hope not... That man in the video should be locked up...

    5. And what, pray tell, is wrong with a pantyhose fetish?

    6. I didn't say there's anything wrong with a pantyhose fetish but what that man was doing was basically the same thing as flashing, didn't you watch the video? The man was wearing nothing but tights and according to witnesses, it was so sheer his private parts were showing. He was doing it intentionally to harass women in the places he entered.

  4. Just like everybody else said, You just gave that boy a pantyhose/hosiery fetish. YOU GO GIRL! LOL

  5. My last 2nd to last girlfriend was a Hooters girl and told me countless stories of Men & guys & yes little boys that were just crazy in Love with her/their lovely Legs in alluring Pantyhose. Of course, like I used to be, most were afraid to admit to it full out, and would instead say something borderline to it. (Yes girls, most Men adore seeing you in sheer Pantyhose, even though most of us have a lot of trouble admitting it at first).

    Sadly there will be one guy out of millions that makes us look bad (like the video link someone posted here) but... you can do the math. Don't allow one dumb guy to ruin thoughts of great Men (or Women) anytime soon.

    -Gentlemen everywhere.

  6. New Hooters girl here, found you through KH back when she use to write but apparently doesn't anymore :(

    I have to say, I'm almost surprised about how many families with small kids come to our location, probably over 50%! Barely ever had kids come to Tilted Kilt when I was working there. Then again TK lacked the kids menus, highchairs, & booster seats that Hooters readily supplies

  7. When I first read this a couple of weeks ago, one thing that went through my mind was the movie from two or three years ago where Jack Black (I think) played a Mexican wrestler, and the line about his "stretchy pants."

  8. Great call! You definitely have a way with kids.

  9. Hahaha that's cute and well handled.



Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...