25 February 2010

The Girl and Her Birthday

So my birthday was on Tuesday.  I wasn't going to post anything regarding it because I'm not really the sort of person who is self involved enough to require every life form on Earth to know it's her birthday.  I mean, maybe when I was ten, but I'm totally over the phase now.  I will however be accepting gifts.

So why do a birthday post then?  Well because I find immense irony in the gifts I received.  There are as follows:

One Scott ski jacket
One pair tan BCBG wedge heals
One duvet cover
Two Cadbury Cream Eggs
Twenty-five dollar iTunes giftcard
One can Big Sexy Hair hairspray
One oversized, star-shaped Hannah Montana balloon
Boxed set of Harry Potter books
One bottle Patron
Three bottles Cooks Champagne
One box FiberOne bars

If you can't see the irony there allow me to enlighten you.  I mean really it's all pretty sweet, but then you get to the bottom half.  Obviously, because I'm twelve, I got the Harry Potter Books.  Because I am also an alcoholic twenty-one year old, I got booze.  And finally, because I am apparently eighty and need to be more regular, I got FiberOne bars.  This must be the sort of thing that happens when one turns twenty-five.  Suddenly, no one knows if you're young or old or dead.  This obviously complicates the gift giving process.  I can't wait until next year when I get my AARP card.

Oh and the Hannah Montana balloon is one of those jokes that won't die ever since I was Hannah Montana for Halloween.  This was probably my most epic Halloween costume ever based on overall response.  I even had a headset mic into which I sang the one line of Hannah Montana music I know.  "It's the best of both worlds!"

The Return of Nylon Man

Way back when in September, I had my creepiest, weirdest, most unbelievable Hooters customer ever.  He loved model trains and had jacked up, maybe fake, maybe real teeth and the advanced security of a belt/suspenders combo.  Mostly he was odd because he wore - and evidently looked really hot in according to him - male nylons which he called the perfect strip club attire.  He even gave me a card so I could check out the awesome myself.  I basically spent the whole time trying to not simultaneously laugh and vomit all over him.  If you missed this adventure, I highly suggest you visit it HERE.

Here we are nearly six months later and nylon man has returned.  Unfortunately, I didn't have the extreme pleasure of waiting on him.  You see I was too busy doing other things like running my car into ditches and stuff.  Damn.  But lucky for me (and you) my most favorite customer made sure to creep out his newest Hooters Girl by constantly asking about me and talking about me in the weirdest manner possible.  After severely creeping the shit of yet another Hooters Girl, the manager went over to catch it all for herself.  Evidently the conversation went a little something like this:

Manager: "So how was your meal this afternoon?"

Nylon Man: "Simply scrumptious.  Was missing a little extra Sauce though if you know what I mean."

Manager:  "Yeah, she has the day off today.  We can't make them work everyday!"

Nylon Man:  "Yes, I was told that, but I'm not sure I believe it.  I can feel she's here."

Manager:  "Well last I checked she wasn't.  Sorry to disappoint you."

Nylon Man:  "In that case, give her this note when she comes out of hiding."  I hear this was followed by a strange attempt at winking.

After returning to work a few days later I was handed the note at jumpstart.  I couldn't help but laugh out loud when I read it.  I now present it here unedited (including his own cross-outs) for you.

I stopped by to get
an idea some info on a patent.  Hah lawyer joke.  I just got back from Spokane at a model RR show.
I thought I'd say high.  I was the one who gave you the business card on www.comfilon.com.  I still wear my nylons if you were curious.
Give me a call if you want to talk about it sometime (phone number).
Rod (name changed)


Hooters and The Dirty

So a few posts back I showed off our very first Hooters calendar girl.  Basically, I went on and on about how wonderful my Brit s because she is pure awesome.  Of course when you mix awesome with hottness and personality, jealousy is quick to follow.  And what better place for jealousy than thedirty.com.

If you are unfamiliar with The Dirty, it's basically a gossip site that chooses to focus on real people.  They call it "reality blogging" by the very first "reality blogger" Nik Riche.  This is pretty much a fancy way of saying that jealous bitches and perverts send in pictures of girls (mainly) so anonymous internet creeps can blast people after Mr. Riche basically says he's too good for any chick under the sun.  Generally, a post will consist of a few drunken photos of a really hot chick and then countless comments about how her size 0 body is "fat" or that she needs "+2s" (douche talk for fake boobs) or countless other ridiculous things that make no sense in the real world.

Anyway, back to the point because I've notice I have a terrible talent for digression.  My favorite Hooters calendar girl ended up on this infamous excuse for a website.  Please enjoy the hilarity that ensues here!  Observe Nik Riche's response, "...Ladies if you are going to waste you money on +2’s please shoot for 450cc’s or higher.  Small +2’s just make your legs look fat like this girl."  Wow, Nik, insightful and full of substance!  You're a king doucher.

17 February 2010

Hooters Facebook Response to Undercover Boss

I found this Hooters response to the Undercover Boss episode on Hooters official Facebook page (please excuse the screwy formatting, I copy and pasted and then got too lazy to keep messing with it).  I know that everyone in the world and outer space and purgatory and Istanbul has Facebook these days, but just in case I decided to just copy the whole thing here.  Besides it makes my blog look more awesome and official and full of legitimate content.  Anyway, here it is.  Please note my favorite part: JIMBO RESIGNED.  Fuck you Good luck with your further endeavors, Jimbo.

Since the "Undercover Boss" episode featuring Coby Brooks, Hooters President and CEO, aired last Sunday, we have received many comments and questions about the employees involved with the show. Let us fill you in:

Jimbo - Hooters of America, Inc and our franchisee Texas Wings, Inc., appreciate your concerns about a manager's treatment of Hooters Girls in Texas during “Undercover Boss.” We agree with those concerns and agree that Coby Brooks, the President and CEO of Hooters of America, Inc. would have dealt with the manager immediately except the CBS contact requirements and the realities of "reality TV" did not allow for this result. The Company believes that you are entitled to know the following:

1. Hooters of America and Mr. Brooks were bound by a complex legal agreement with CBS not to disclose anything about the contents of the show, including the name of the owner of the restaurant; Texas Wings, Inc. Coming out of the Undercover role to discipline the manager in some way would have violated the CBS agreement. Now that the show has aired discussion is possible.

2. The manager in question resigned from his duties as an employee of Hooters and has left to pursue other options outside the Hooters system.

3. Texas Wings is the largest franchisee of Hooters of America and successfully operates 42 Hooters throughout Texas. Hooters of America is confident that the Texas stores are among the best managed and most successful in the Hooters system.

Hooters has a longstanding and highly effective policy protecting employees from all harassment. Hooters of America and Texas Wings are confident the incident portrayed on Undercover Boss is in no way representative of conduct within the Hooters system, which employs over 25,000 people at 460 restaurants in 42 states and 27 countries.

Marcee took her children and parents to Marco Island, FL for a week.
Here is a letter she wrote to Coby after her trip.

First things first. THANK YOU for the wonderful experience my family and I shared over our vacation in Florida. We all had a blast.
My girls had a blast on the airplane flights. They thought they were pretty special flying business class for all 4 flights there and back. They couldn't grasp the concept that we were flying to Florida to stay a couple days. They thought they were just going to fly to Florida and then immediately home. They filled up on cookies and sodas the whole way to Florida and back home which made for an eventful evening to say the least.

We took everyone on a dolphin explorer adventure that was fantastic. I have never seen a dolphin that close besides at a zoo. I felt like a kid myself screaming out where the dolphins were. The girls learned a lot from the knowledgeable staff on board. They even received a dolphin explorer badge which they were excited about.

We visited the Naples zoo where we saw a fussa. The Naples zoo is the only one in the SW to have one. Quite a rare creature as it is part cat and a few other animals which the zoo is not sure what the fussa is mixed with. If you have ever seen the movie Madagascar it is the deadly fussa all the lemurs are terrified of. The fussa's main diet is lemur which says enough.
We spent a few days on the beach collecting lots of shells in the early morning hours. We built many sand castles and quite a few holes for the girls to hide in. This was the girl's first experience at the beach and they found out very quickly that the water in the ocean is not the same temperature as the pool they are use to here at home.

The beautiful condo, oh let me say it again the beautiful condo we were fortunate enough to stay in was what you would see in a magazine or on TV. The views were incredible and spectacular. We could see everything not to mention the perfect view every night of the sun setting above the ocean.

We really enjoyed ourselves on the vacation of a life time. From flying business class which I know was a first for everyone to the beautiful views from the gorgeous condo we stayed in to enjoying each others company. I will always be grateful to you and your staff for helping me accomplish spending more time with my kids without having the worries and stress of work in the back of my mind.

Thank you again for your generosity. I will never forget this experience. 
"Hooters Rules" drawn in the sand.

Amanda and Brittany 
Amanda and Brittany on the sidewalk with Coby during the filming.
The Hooters Girls that helped Coby hand out wings on the sidewalk are at the Hooters headquarters in Atlanta this week working on Orange Pride, an internal PR campaign that educates Hooters Girls on the positive things Hooters does within the community and what they can learn from their experiences n the restaurants to help them in their future. Whether they become business professionals, community leaders or soccer moms the qualities they learn from being Hooters Girls will give them the confidence and skills to be the best at what they do.

Hooters has raised $200,000 for the Tom Valentine Fund.
Hooters is currently raising money for the Tom Valentine Fund to support Operation Homefront. Dave will be presenting the check to the organization during the Hooters International Swimsuit Pageant in Hollywood, FL this July.

Pavlov and the Wet Nap

In an attempt to be funny, Hooters decided it would be a good idea to put cute little sayings on their wet naps.  Sayings like "58.3% of all statistics are made up" and "friction is a drag."  You know, important life lesson type shit.  The type of shit that is really important to you when you're in the middle of fifty 911 wings and your phone rings causing you to rip into that wet nap with reckless abandon.  The type of shit you're just dying to read.

Don't get me wrong, I'm no great hater of Hooters wet nap wisdom.  Some people laugh, but most people don't even notice.  Either way is fine with me.  I just drop the stuff off at the table.  What I don't like is that the Hooters wet nap gods decided to give birth to this.

I explain this wet nap about eighteen freaking times a day.  You see a good portion of Hooters patrons have no effing idea who Pavlov is let alone about his experiments into classical conditioning.  So there I am at a table full of half drunk people giving a psych 100 class and explaining all about conditioned and unconditioned stimuli and saliva and dogs and bells and shit.  Nine times out of ten they still look at me blankly after I explain it.  So no, Hooters, Pavlov apparently does not ring a bell.  Mmmmm, anyone want steak?

16 February 2010

Our First Calendar Girl

So I meant to post this a long time ago, but in an LSAT induced stupor I apparently forgot.  Sort of like how I also forgot that eating and hygiene are important, but not quite as sad.  Anyhooters, I finally remembered for no clear reason other than the fact my brain is still not quite right and likes to come up with random crap at even more random moments.  Sorry, brain, I apologize.  But back to the point at hand.

This year, our Hooters had our first calendar girl.  Being that we've been open less than two years this was our first opportunity to have a girl in the calendar.  Brit certainly didn't disappoint.  In fact she looks pretty effing hot.  Plus she actually has a personality.  So pretty much she can be summoned up as awesome.  Check her out here, or on Thanksgiving.  That's right she's actually ON Thanksgiving in the the calendar.  EPIC.

Naturally, people can't just be excited for Brittney; they have to have totally off base opinions that make them look really sad and jealous.  And obviously the best place to put such opinions is anonymously on the Internet.  Yeah, yeah I'm all anonymous and Internety too, but whatever you know exactly what I effing mean. 

After Brit appeared in the calendar, a local independent newspaper ran a story on her inclusion that you can read here.  The story was pretty nice and basically said what every Hooters customer already knew - that Brittney was in the calendar.  Of course the comments section was littered with both positive and negative responses because everyone loves to be an online critic.  Please enjoy some of my favorite little gems:

"...an emaciated and bikini clad woman in a submissive fuck-me pose always just screams "GOOD NEWS!!!"

"HUGE ACCOMPLISHMENT?????? PULEEEEZE! BEING FEATURED IN A FAULTY, OUT OF ORDER CALENDER? WOW, WHAT TALENT! A NEW LOW FOR WOMAN KIND."  Aren’t the all caps a nice touch, really makes you seem more intelligent I think - or like a 12-year-old girl.  Either way.

"...i was surprised to see a set of midsized hooters in a hooters calendar, that's all. you know, like you don't see many mid sized whitetail bucks in "antlers" magazine, only huge racks with wide spreads."  Wait, did you just compare a woman to a "mid sized whitetail buck"?  Oh Lord, yes, yes you did.

Of course there was plenty of good opinions too.  Especially after I told all the Hooters Girls about it and we shamelessly promoted our gorgeous Brit through even more somewhat anonymous comments.  We stick together like that; it's just what we do.  Welcome to Hooters!

Valentines and Gourmet Wings

Due to my unfortunate accident, I didn't work the Valentines shift at Hooters.  I'm sure it was awesome and by awesome I mean in no way different than any other Sunday night at Hooters; basically because I don't think any guy in his right mind would take his girlfriend to Hooters for Valentines Day.  I mean he could, but he'd probably only take her if he really didn't want to have sex.

Obviously my divorced GM, who probably hasn't had sex in about 87 years doesn't know this fact.  He spent all week telling us to tell poor girls who probably want nothing more than once nice dinner a year to bring their boyfriends to Hooters for a Valentines Day gourmet wing dinner.  Yes, I said gourmet wing dinner.  For $32.99 you not only get twenty greasily delicious (ok, there I'm not kidding, they literally are delicious) hot wings, but you also get an oh so classy bottle of Korbel champagne.   In case you're unaware, that's the shittiest of all champagnes, second only to the one and only Cook's - high school staple.

Now usually, the Hooters gourmet wing dinner comes with a bottle of Dom Perignon and a higher price.  Not so at our Hooters, because GM decided Montana people aren't classy enough for that.  Probably he's right, but I have a feeling that has more to do with the perceived class of Hooters than the class of Montanans.  Thanks, GM, for assuming we're all podunk idiots.  Then again his favorite thing to say is "I seen..." so maybe he has a point.

All I know is that most girlfriends do not want to take their boyfriends to Hooters on Valentines Day.  Even more than that, they probably don't want some hot chick in a Hooters uniform telling their boyfriends to come in on Valentines Day.  Just a hunch.  I mean I really do love Hooters, but the madness has to end somewhere.HooHHooHHoo

And no, I didn't have a Valentine.  What?  You didn't ask that you say?  Whatever.

15 February 2010

The Crash

Yesterday marked my very first car accident.  I went off the interstate after doing three or four 360s, only to be stopped by a fence one steep embankment later.  Yes, it was icy, but the real issue was the jackass who decided to swerve into my lane for no apparent reason other than his personal enjoyment.  Option one was to hit his ass and option two was to hit my breaks - neither seemed good.  Obviously I choose option two, on an overpass.  Luckily, after doing my series of acrobatics, I narrowly missed the guardrail (I mean seriously narrowly) ending up in the aforementioned fence that is now missing three fenceposts.

Of course the idiot who caused my misfortune didn't even stop because apparently he was way too busy to notice the car spinning behind him.  Guess he was busy singing or some shit.  So there I was in the ditch that was conveniently far enough off the road so that no one could see me.  There I was car stuck in a fence, on a steep hill, lucky to not be seriously injured.  I was fine, but I was PISSED.

Forcing my door open, I realized the car looked relatively good all things considered.  Lets just say the bumper did its job pretty damn well.  Thank you bumper.  After being pulled out for $160 however, the car was less than happy to be driving.  So I inched my way home, cursing pretty much the whole way.  My sailor mouth didn't get any better because when I got home I decided it might be a good idea to check my shit.  First, my guitar: out of tune, but the case kept it safe.  Thank you.  Second, my precious MacBook Pro: cracked screen.  Wait, what?  DEAR GOD NO.  Yes my screen was cracked and the bleeding of the screen had already begun.  Tragic.

So today I got the joy of really taking stock of it all.  Car: $800.  Tow: $160.  Fence: currently undisclosed amount to replace fenceposts of state-owned fence.  Computer: $750.  Yes, I have to replace the effing screen or cough up the $2000 for a new Mac.  One tech said replace the screen, one said buy a new one.  I say I'll use this one until I can't see an effing thing.  I am not happy about this option.  Donations gladly accepted.

And yes I am so happy to be ok.  The responding highway patrolman said had I hit the guardrail an ambulance "would have been necessary."  So don't think I'm not relieved.  Still doesn't make all the cash anymore easy to spend.

Undercover Boss does Hooters

So I watched Undercover Boss last night.  I figured as a Hooters Girl this was basically like homework for me; watching was not an option, but rather a requirement.  I mean if I hadn't watched it I'd probably spend all week explaining that to people when they asked me about it at work.  Then I'd have to deal with that awkward look of "what the hell" and find some sort of clever segue to make myself not look like a total idiot.  Way too much work if you ask me.  So I did my homework like a good little Hooters Girl and I watched.

Of course I'd be lying if I said I wasn't curious.  Of course I was curious to see how Hooters would be portrayed.  I was hardly surprised.  The main point the show visited was the Hooters image and how the public views the company.  Naturally there was a healthy dose of "Hooters is degrading."  This is the same shit I hear every damn day.  Hooters is degrading.  Hooters objectifies women.  Hooters is a step above a strip club.  Blah. Blah. Effing blah.  Of course my buddy Coby, C.E.O, decided this has to change.  Newsflash it probably won't ever change.  However I don't really see that as a bad thing.  Hooters has a strong brand image and such a strongly defined brand is never going to please everyone.  What it does do, is a damn good job of pleasing its target market.  And if there is one thing all those marketing classes taught me it's certainly not that a brand needs to make everyone happy - it needs to make the target happy.  Ever heard of the 80/20 rule?  So while Mr. Brooks is worrying about changing the image and attracting completely new groups to Hooters, he'd probably be better served by attracting more of the types of people Hooters already attracts.  You know beer drinking, wing eating, hot chick liking people.  But what do I know; I'm just a Hooters Girl.

Then, of course, there is the infamous Jimbo.  Right from the start you know he's a douchebag of a manager because his name is freaking JIMBO.  Way back when he was born his mom must have thought "I'd like a white trash asshole for a son, so I think Jimbo will be just about right."  Jimbo certainly didn't disappoint.  If you haven't seen this douchetard please watch the following NOW.  Our lesson will continue after you've been properly educated.

Now that you know how truly awesome Jimbo is, lets have a little discussion.  First off, I have NEVER been asked to do anything remotely like this at Hooters.  If we're trying to decide who's going home we'll usually just draw nametags or get real crazy and have a hula hoop contest.  Heaven for effing bid.  If I were ever made to eat a plate full of beans like a dog I would walk my ass out right then and there.  If I were a customer and walked into a restaurant where girls were eating beans off a plate like a dog I'd walk my ass out too.  There is no way that is appropriate.  Ever.  Hooters even issued a memo to every restaurant about how inappropriate it was that was read aloud last week.  Hooters thinks you are inappropriate, Mr. Jimbo.  In my opinion he should no longer have a job just for that (yes, I understand franchise rules don't allow Mr. C.E.O to do that).  And that's before we even begin to talk about the way he speaks to his employees, but I could go on about that forever.  I'll just say that I would never work for Jimbo.

Beyond that I think the show was really interesting just for the greater understanding into the family behind Hooters it presented.  Obviously there is a lot going on there that the public or its employees will never understand.  Hooters is a privately owned, family company and the show made that very apparent.  While it shed a lot of light on Hooters, we'll never get the whole picture.

Oh and I watched the show with my Mom and her friend and I have to say she (friend here, not my amazing awesome Mom) is the biggest bitch ever.  She was the epitome of that "Hooters is degrading" opinion.  Of course, she's never been there because that's the best way to form opinions.  You know, by not actually experiencing shit.  Apparently the Hooters cliental is "less educated" and "lower income" and have "deprived morals."  Really, I never knew that?!  After deciding against slapping her "I work for the government and have great benefits" look right off her face I finished watching the show in my room.  I love people. 

13 February 2010

Hans and the Couch

Hans has continued his tireless campaign to be my sugar daddy.  Recently, over his usual Miller Lite it came up that I am now living in a sort of one bedroom, sort of studio apartment.  A sort of one bedroom, sort of sudio apartment without a couch.  Hans apparently saw this as his in.

"You need couch?  I would like to buy you this.  It will be for you a gift."

I didn't know what to say.  Noticing my hesitation Hans continued to explain himself.

"I ask for nothing.  I just wish to help.  You know, like a sugar daddy but no sex deal.  I am an old man.  I do not love you, but I very much like you a lot.  A couch is a small thing for such a like."

No sex deal?!  Dear Lord, what do I say now?  Conveniently, kitchen yells my name and I quickly escape to run food to a large party across the restaurant.  This table is needy and I spend more time than usual opening ranches, refilling drinks and generally sucking up to them and their $200 tab.  I notice Hans leave as I run another round of drinks to the tables.  He smiles and waves, pointing to the table as he shuffles out the door.

Making my way to the table I can see the hundred-dollar bill well before I am close enough to grab the one empty Miller Lite - the only thing he ordered.  His email is scrawled carefully across one edge of the bill accompanied by a note:

The couch you shall have.  Too pretty to sit on floor.  You email after shopping and I buy for you with no questions.

I still don't have a couch.


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