Hooters Girls Explain Football

This is entertaining.  I have a sneaking suspicion that they may have done some creative editing to make them seem like they know even less than they actually do.  Whatever.  Either way it's pretty hilarious.



Oh and the cute blonde in the sky blue Hooters owl shirt is Raechel Holtgrove.  She helped open our store and is a totally awesome and hilarious and Miss Hooters 2009 and gorgeous.  Ugh, perfect people.

To Working Doubles

We don't do doubles.  It has long been a rule that at Hooters of Missoula that a girl will only work one shift a day.  I'm not really sure why this is, but I think it might have something to do with the fact that most girls can't be truly hooterrific for more than five to six hours at a time.  Just think about being that peppy and happy and nice for ten or more hours while drunks and entitled bitches harass the shit right out of you.  Yeah, that doesn't sound too fun does it?

Of course sometimes - like tomorrow - college homecoming and UFC decide to happen on the same day.  This means two things:

1)  Every collegiate bitch at Hooters will request the day off to get wasted and pretend to give two shits about football.  I understand.  I've been there.  The difference is I legitimately do care about football and actually understand the rules.  But whatever, I had my college experience.  Knock 'em dead, ladies.

2)  Girls not taking the day off to be wasted - which is most - will avoid UFC like the plague.  This is because UFC means you will either make a shitload of money or no money at all - the latter being all too common.  This will depend on your section, which are always small on UFC nights, and who sits in said section.  If you get one or more tables of teenagers in your five to six table section you are totally screwed.  They will all order waters and ten boneless wings for twelve people to split.  It pretty much rocks.

So what happens when a gillion people request the day off?  It means that you might end up working an elusive double.  And by might end up, I really mean that out of the entire staff of Hooters Girls I am the only one working a double.  I think this might be because I am most excellent at always being happy.  And I totally rock my job.

Yup, I'll be at Hooters from 10 a.m. until midnight or maybe even later.  I'm hoping it will give me lots to write about.  I'm also hoping that I will be swimming in money just like Uncle McScrooge.  You know, McSrooge from "DuckTales" only without the funny accent and live-in nephews.  That's a nice visual.

All-You-Can-Eat Wings

Tuesday nights mean all-you-can-eat wings at my Hooters.  This means that all sorts of hungry people come out of the woodwork to stuff their faces for $12.99.  I'm pretty sure there are few things more American.  God bless the U.S. of A.!  Whatever.  As I was saying, Tuesday nights mean you can get all the wings your tummy can handle for just $12.99.  Delicious, greasy goodness.

Generally all-you-can-eat equates to twenty wings.  Served in plates of ten, four times out of five people will usually just order two plates.  Sometimes people order three.  More than three plates is a rarity indeed.  Basically what all this means is that we usually get rid of lots of wings and still make money.  Yeah, not as much as we normally would perhaps, but whatever.  A man still has to drink his money away, right?

Last week I sold my share of wings.  And most people hardly took advantage.  As usual the twenty wing limit ruled the evening.  People's eyes just seem to be bigger than their stomachs.  Then the linemen came in.  Eight huge, collegiate linemen with hunger in their eyes and less than twenty bucks in their pockets.  It was evident right away that these guys were here to eat some wings.  Of course by eat I actually mean destroy.  Yes, these guys were here to destroy some wings.  I wisely notified the kitchen.

Ten at time the wings flew out of the sell window at speeds previously unheard of.  Almost as quickly as the wings appeared at the table, the mountain of bones grew.  Naturally, being manly type men who enjoy visualizing their conquests, not a bone was allowed to be cleared from the table.  No pre-busing allowed.  Annoying.  Yes.  Amazing.  Damn right.

Slowly, men began to drop out.  It seems even a lineman can only handle so many wings.  Stomachs were full and happy, but a few were out to prove something.  A few were ready to make both wings and friends their little bitches.  Finally, there were only two in a race to eat the most wings.  And eat they did.  Plates and plates of wings.  And the bone mountain grew.

Eventually the pace slowed and pain set in.  One finally dropped the white flag of surrender.  He'd finished eighty wings.  Being a real man, it was decided that the last competitor would have to finish one more serving for the win.  Ten more wings and he had stomached ninety hot wings.  But what is ninety?  Ninety is just some number that is way more than fifty but not quite 100.  Ninety is a number for pussies.   Why not go for 100 and be a real man?

That's right, last Tuesday I witness a man eat 100 wings.  I was disgustingly inspired.  As such I made him a one of a kind award - a wing plate emblazoned with "I ate 100 wings @ Hooters" in permanent marker.  A real family heirloom to hand down to the kids for generations.  We also gave him a t-shirt.  And a prime spot on our photo "Wall of Shame."  And what I can only imagine is the painful satisfaction of 100 wings.  All for $12.99.  I wonder who got the best end of that deal.

When all was done the eight linemen put down 680 wings.  At $12.99 a piece.  That's 680 wings for $103.92.  Savvy shopping, boys.

Hopefully I'll see you tonight, my linemen.  That's if you've awoken from your food comas yet of course.

Hooters Fall Football Menu

Because nothing goes better with football season than deliciousness, Hooters has kicked off their football themed fall seasonal menu.  Being a very dedicated and hungry employee, I made it my mission to try each of the four items available for a limited time only.  The things I do for my job.

Luckily, stuffing my face means that you get a play-by-play of all the menu awesomeness.  I present to you my totally unbiased, honest opinions of Hooters' fall offerings.  I am not responsible for any drooling on your computer.

Speedway Sandwich
The Speedway Sandwich is grilled chicken breast smothered in Hooters signature Daytona wing sauce.  If you haven't tried Daytona on your wings, first off you should and I generally describe it as a "spicy yet sweet sauce with a decent kick."  It's also caramelized on the grill after being applied to your favorite fried or grilled item.  This makes it amazing.  Try it now. 

Back to the sandwich.  Like I said, the Speedway features a chicken breast grilled and tossed in Daytona sauce.  It is then topped with melty cheddar cheese, bacon, tomatoes and green onions all on a ciabatta roll.  The sandwich is served with a side of baked beans.

Sounds amazing right?  Yeah, I thought so too.  Sadly, this offering disappointed me and several customers I've served it too.  For having all that good shit on it the Speedway seemed surprising bland to me.  Not that is wasn't good it just wasn't incredibly memorable.  There was no, "oh shit this sandwich blew my effing mind!"  It's still a decent sandwich, but definitely not my favorite item on the menu.  Also, I get the whole Daytona/Speedway thing they have going with the name, but this is a football menu.  Nascar?  Football?  Step it up, people.

Baja Burger
The Baja burger is a Southwestern style burger.  It features a half-pound all-beef burger covered in provolone cheese, pico de gallo, jalapeños and a delicious ancho chipotle sauce.  Served with a side of baked beans.

You need to go to the nearest Hooters right now and put this burger in your mouth.  I don't care if the closest Hooters is ten hours away or on Mars or whatever; you need this burger now.  It's seriously that good.  Hands down my favorite thing currently on the Hooters menu.  I have dreams about this burger.  Delicious, amazing, wonderful dreams.  I dread the day it leaves the menu.

BBQ Sandwich
The BBQ Sandwich features Hooters barbeque pork topped with coleslaw and onion tanglers (we do onion rings) on a ciabatta roll.  It also is the only special item that doesn't come with stupid beans.  It comes with sweet potato fries.  This makes it infinitely more awesome.

This is my second favorite of the featured items.  Of course by second favorite I actually mean that it wishes it could be half as good as the Baja Burger.  But I'm clearly Baja biased.  All things considered it's a darn scrumptious sandwich.  I even liked the sweet potato fries and those sorts of things generally aren't my style.  So I suppose that means they are pretty delish too.

Nacho Ordinary Cheeseburger
Just like the Baja Burger, the Nacho Ordinary Cheeseburger starts with Hooters half-pound burger.  It's then finished off with a bit of chili, cheddar cheese, lettuce, tomato and sour cream.  It is also served with baked beans.

Yeah, this burger is good but I'm not really a fan of chili on my burger.  It's a burger, is more meat really necessary?  Not for this little lady.  This is clearly a manly-man burger meant for someone with chest hair and muscles and rough hands.  This burger is for a man that doesn't mind getting dirty.  This is a burger meant for the man of my dreams.

I suggest you hop on over to Hooters and try all these little delights for yourself.  Or just the Baja Burger.  Mmmm, Baja Burger.

Oh Wait, What Are Our School Colors Again?

Tomorrow marks the first college football game of the season. This is a huge deal. Missoula, Montana is love-drunk with the University of Montana Grizzlies. Here, football is king and fall Saturdays are everyone's favorite day of the week. In the stadium, over 25,000 fans will gather in a city home to less than 80,000 people. It is loud and amazing and if it were a city it would be Montana's seventh largest by population. Montana football is not just a sport, but a way of life.

I won't be in the stadium cheering the Griz to (hopefully) yet another National Championship game. I won't even be watching the game on TV. No, I'll be at Hooters watching other people watch the game. I'll watch you cheer and get excited and when you get really loud I'll know to look up from catering to your every need to catch the score. You're welcome for that fifth beer and oh hey, we're winning. Sweet.

Now generally I do enjoy working a football Saturday. Yes, I'd rather be at the game roaming aimlessly from tailgate to tailgate and attempting to avoid death by trampling in the student section, but overall working is not so bad. Football games mean drunk people and drunk people generally forget when they're spending money. Thanks for the 50% tip! In addition to lose wallets, Griz games mean I get to wear my favorite uniform top. When you wear the same thing every effing day you have to appreciate the shinning moments of variety. It's like watching a Family Guy episode where they get dressed up. Oh hey, Stewie is wearing a little tie! How delightful!

Of all my Hooters tops the Griz top is easily my favorite. The glaring orange across my chest is replaced by a pleasant maroon and the owl even gets his own cute, little Griz football helmet. The slogan "Big Sky Country" becomes "Griz Nation" while "Delightfully Tacky, Yet Unrefined" becomes "Go Griz" across my back. I love this top all the more because it black and, as noted earlier this week, I love a black uniform. Basically, this uniform top is pure, freaking sexy.

Unfortunately, all my excitement for my very favorite uniform has been replaced by dread. You see when my manager went to order more tops for the new girls she forgot one all-important request. She forgot to tell them to use maroon. So Hooters did what Hooters does best and used orange. The logo is orange, the helmet is orange and "Go Griz" is orange. Of course, since Hooters Girls all have to look like little clones of each other this means I can't wear my old top anymore. Since I can't wear my old top I am forced to purchase a new top. Essentially, here I am paying for someone else's mistake. Needless to say I am very excited about this prospect. Please note the sarcasm in the preceding sentence.

I realize that a top will only cost me $5.95, but since I already have a perfectly good, much cooler looking Griz top, I'm none too happy about forking over six bucks of my tips tomorrow morning. I'm sorry you forgot to request what is probably the most crucial part of the uniform. Let me go ahead and pay for that for you. After all, I love spending needless money on things I'm going to wear less than ten times almost as much as I loving wearing a sports team top featuring the colors of a rival team. You just have to appreciate the irony in that. I love the orange color of the Griz jerseys, oh wait, that's Idaho State. Oops!

So stop on in and see me in my unGriz Griz top tomorrow. I'd love to explain why I'm wearing orange while you get shitty drunk. Oh, and to add insult to injury I'll be wearing my orange shorts too. Yes, with a black top. Fashion faux pas are so awesome.