Sure I'll Split Your Ticket

I've made it clear before, that I am very opinionated on the subject of split tickets.  Now it might seem stupid to be worried about a little thing like people needing separate tabs but they never make the process convenient.  In fact, they prefer to make the process as close to mimicking Chinese water torture as humanly possible.  I'm not really sure why this is, but people seem to have this innate need to make my life a living hell.   They prefer to do this at extremely convenient times.  Like lunch rushes.

It's never a good sign when a table of nine comes in and six of them are middle-aged woman who clearly don't want to be lunching at Hooters.  This is made readily apparent by all six women being entirely nonresponsive as I cordially greet them at the door.  It is also made apparently by their looks of general disdain for my overall existence.  When they precede to order water and salad or water and soup or water and more water I decide it's in my best interest to place each person on their own seat so that the inevitable splitting of tickets will be a (relative) breeze later.  This was a good decision.

I split the tickets - as I assumed I would have to - quickly because each person's order was separated by seat.  And then I saw it.  Nine stacks of cash.  Why in the world do you need split tickets when everyone is paying cash?  Split tickets make absolutely NO sense when everyone has a wad of bills of various denomination at their disposal.  What, you say you don't have the appropriate change?  Give me that damn twenty and I'll gladly give you a couple fives and some ones.  Then freaking round.  What, you don't know the exact cost of what you ordered?  You ordered soup and water.  I'm sure you can calculate the cost of one thing.  It's written in the goddamn menu after all.  Or, if you ordered *gasp* two things get out that cellphone and add it up.  Or exercise that mental math you clearly no longer use.

Why must you torture me by making me count change ten times?  I don't carry endless amounts of money in the stupid little pouch.  This means I have to take all your cash to the bar and get change.  After I change your money out I have to count out the correct change nine separate times.  Not only does it make me want to gouge my eyes out, it takes an awful lot of time.  An awful lot of time that makes you pissed off because you have a business meeting to get to so you can discuss topics of importance.  Can anyone think of an easy way to remedy this time consuming and annoying situation?  Oh yeah, you can be a normal person and all "throw in" on one tab.

Instead, you have to wait while your impatience grows.  Naturally, this waiting is my fault and though I've given you impeccable service for the last forty-five minutes I am suddenly horrible at my job.  This obviously gives you the right to leave me a dollar.  Or less.

And for the record, table 16, I can technically refuse to split a ticket for a party larger than eight.  My menu says so.  I can also add an 18% gratuity.  In case you were wondering nine is bigger than eight.  But we all know math isn't your thing. You're welcome for the favor.

The Soccer Team

I had a big table today.  I'm talking twenty-seven top big.  Yup, twenty-seven people, at one time, on a Wednesday afternoon.  I was amazed too.  I was even more amazed by the fact that they had the extreme foresight to call ahead.   You see there is something about Hooters that seems to make people think we're always ready to handle huge groups of people.  There is nothing I love more than thirty people just dropping in and being surprised that we don't just have some huge table in the corn that seats 113.  Unfortunately for you and your very extended family, this is not the case.  Sorry to break it to you.

Back to what I was saying before I interrupted myself, I had a twenty-seven top today and they were nice enough to give me an hour notice.  Now, an hour may not seem like much, but those sixty delicious minutes are plenty of time to move seven or so tables together, put out a whole bunch of silverware, liter the table with wet naps and set out all sorts of water pitchers.  It's amazing how doing those simple things before hand will make your whole life easier.  Of course even an hour notice can't help the fact that you only have two cooks, but more on that later.

So there I was, flying high with my perfectly set up table looking all sorts of good.  Then I saw the bus.  This is generally not a good sign.  As you may recall, the last time I had a big bus pull in it didn't go so well for me.  And by that I actually mean the little high school shits made everything as complicated as effing possible for me.  And then they left me $14 bucks.  I was having flashbacks of this moment as I watched that bus round the corner.  I was very, very afraid.

I only became more afraid as I watched twenty-seven high school boys in matching warm-ups file down the stairs and towards the door.  Dear Lord, it was a freaking soccer team.  I was about ready to nail shit to the floor they looked so hungry.  When was the last time the fed these growing boys with what I can only imagine are monstrous appetites?! 

As they all clamored to get around the table and let me know all but four of them would be having water (bad omen), one of the couches pulled me aside.

Coach:  "So can you do separate tickets?  Each boy has to handle his own funds.  So split tickets?"

Sauce:  Forcing a smile.  "Well, with this many people it's going to take a lot longer for me to do that.  I of course can, I just want to let you know it will make things a little slower.  Is there any chance they would be paying with cash?"

Coach:  "Oh, it's all cash."

He'd spoken the most magical of words.  Cash.  Thank my freaking lucky stars.  I then explained to him that with everyone having cash it might be easier for them to all "throw in" as it was much easier and quicker for me to get change once than it was to get change twenty-seven separate times.  Luckily, he got my logic right away.   Thinks were looking up.  Of course by looking up I mean I still expected $14.  Again.

After completing my first mission of not having to split the ticket a gillion ways, I made it my next mission to steer the table toward wings.  This was not so much because it was easy for me, but because - as I mentioned before - we had two cooks on shift.  I hoped to make their job easier.  I failed most miserably.

I started my way from one end of the table to the other and back again and each and every boy had to order something different.  And modify things.  And then change their minds.  I cringed with every order I wrote down, crossed out and then wrote down again.  The kitchen was going to hate me.

Eventually, I slung the ticket into the food window, all five pages of it.  You see rather than printing one, huge, frightening ticket, I organized everything.  Burgers I sent with burgers.  Wings I sent with wings.  Random shit I sent with random shit.  It was the least I could do for my poor cooks.

Luckily, the cooks appreciated my organizational skills and knocked out that huge ticket like world champs.  Miraculously, all the items came out within five minutes of each other.  I was beyond impressed.  And my table was happy.  The hard part was over.  Now I just had to wait for the part where I would get $14.

Finally, I printed out the ticket and noticed that my manager had been nice enough to add auto gratuity.  Some of you may recall that our owner decided to do away with auto gratuity for pretty much no good reason.  Luckily, my manager understands food service and decided to throw me a bone.  I could be expecting a nearly $40 tip based on the auto gratuity and made sure to point out the tip when I presented the check.

Sauce:  "All right, guys, here's your check.  Now I'm going to give you a chance to use all that math you told your teachers you'd never, ever use.  It'll be easy enough to figure out what you owe, but keep in mind that we add an automatic gratuity for big parties.  It's 18% and if you need help figuring that out on what you owe I'll be happy to lend my fingers for counting purposes!"

I asked who wanted to be in charge, and left the ticket with a boy at the head of the table.  I expected they'd be scrounging for change, in awe of the price at the bottom of the ticket.  After a few minutes they slowly shuffled towards the door and one casually noted that the cash was on the table and that I might find some extra.  Sure thing.  I couldn't wait to find the extra quarter.

I picket up a huge stack of cash.  It was fives.  And lots of ones.  Not a good sign.  I started counting.  I got to the ticket amount, I kept counting.   I realized I had been left a tip of more than $60.  By a team of high school boys.  I was shocked and amazed and awe inspired.  Shame on my for my stupid stereotyping.

So to that lovely Idaho soccer team, Karma is on your side for calling ahead and taking such good care of me.  You'll probably win state because of your kindness.  The world owes it to you now.  Mark my words.

Oh and I tipped my cooks out really well today.  They thank you too.

Don't forget your daily vote for Sauce as Buzz Lightyear in the Hooters Costume Contest!  CLICK HERE TO VOTE FOR ME ON FACEBOOK!

Split Tickets

Today started with a party of fifteen.  This can either be a good thing or a very bad thing depending on the people making up the group.  They started out on a good note - they called ahead.  For some reason we never seem to get the consideration of a warning at Hooters.  People seem to think that we're just always ready to handle larger parties.  They seem to believe we have tables already all pushed together and staff already in the appropriate sections.  They seem to think we're just waiting only for them.  They are all that matters.  Of course this isn't true, but generally no one seems to realize this.  Naturally, this left me impressed that they'd called ahead.

So I was able to get the tables all situated and perfectly set up before my party arrived.  I have to say it felt pretty great.  Usually, I'm rushing around shoving together a few tables while a large group waits anxiously by the door.  Of course this is no one's fault but their own.  Naturally, they don't understand this.  Given all this, I thought my big table would run pretty smoothly.  I was of course, mistaken.

As they sat down I heard a few people mumble about splitting tickets.  But they didn't tell me this; that would be effective and actually get us somewhere.  Rather one person mentioned it casually to another and I happened to overhear.  Being proactive I used this information and took the time to put everyone on a separate seat.  Basically what this means is that I divided the table and put each member's ordered items under them.  Does this take more time and can it get confusing when people decide to do awesome things like move around?  Yes, but I figured a pain in my ass now would save me a bigger pain in the ass later.  Once again, I was mistaken.

I delivered the check and noted to them that I had carefully separated each of them in case they wanted separate tickets.  I also mentioned that I hadn't actually split them off yet just in case anyone was paying for anyone else.  This way they could just let me know how they'd prefer I split the ticket and I could easily do so.  Of course Bob wanted to pay for Mary and Sue wanted to pay for Jim's fried pickles and a bunch of other silly things that made splitting the ticket simply by seat totally impossible.  But I was cool with this.  I'm smart.  I was taking notes.  I had it down.  Then I saw a whole bunch of cash come out.  There is NOTHING more annoying that doing fifteen split tickets when eleven of those are being handled in cash.  As such I casually mentioned that those paying with cash might want to try and combine all the money as it would be much quicker for them to receive change as I would have to do it once rather than eleven times.  This would be logical, however this is never what happens. 

This part of the story is the whole point of this post.  Why, when most of the table is paying with cash do people insist on split tickets?  Not only is it a pain in my ass, but it also takes A LOT longer for you.  I'm not counting out change once, but a million times over.  This not only means that I have to count out change a million times, but odds are I'm having to go to the bar to change things out as I don't carry a shit ton of money on me.  This just adds more time to the whole effing process.  Now I realize that some may say, "well what if I have a twenty and my portion is only sixteen?!"  I would much rather break a few twenties than count back jingle (coinage) and ones and fives to every person at the table.  I'll gladly break that for you so you can use that mental math and figure out the tab amongst yourselves.  Aren't we all adults after all?  Didn't we learn to add in elementary school?  Are you really that effing lazy that mental math is beyond you?  You know if it is beyond you I'll gladly give you a pen to add it all up.  It should be easy because as I mentioned I put you all on a separate seat clearly laid out on that pretty receipt I left you.  But no, you all effing want change for yourself.  Heaven forbid I ask you to give up the all important autonomy of having your own freaking change.

So do your server a favor.  Actually, do her/him several favors.  First, if you want your tickets split let them know ahead of time.  This will make it much easier and much faster for you later.  Some restaurants won't split checks on big tables, but if you let them know upfront you're much more likely to get your way.  Next, if the majority of you are paying cash put your heads together and figure out how to all throw in what you owe.  Easy for you, easy for me.  You're out the door in a moment.  Oh and don't tip like a cheap ass.  Your big table is more of a pain in the ass than you think.