Sure I'll Split Your Ticket

I've made it clear before, that I am very opinionated on the subject of split tickets.  Now it might seem stupid to be worried about a little thing like people needing separate tabs but they never make the process convenient.  In fact, they prefer to make the process as close to mimicking Chinese water torture as humanly possible.  I'm not really sure why this is, but people seem to have this innate need to make my life a living hell.   They prefer to do this at extremely convenient times.  Like lunch rushes.

It's never a good sign when a table of nine comes in and six of them are middle-aged woman who clearly don't want to be lunching at Hooters.  This is made readily apparent by all six women being entirely nonresponsive as I cordially greet them at the door.  It is also made apparently by their looks of general disdain for my overall existence.  When they precede to order water and salad or water and soup or water and more water I decide it's in my best interest to place each person on their own seat so that the inevitable splitting of tickets will be a (relative) breeze later.  This was a good decision.

I split the tickets - as I assumed I would have to - quickly because each person's order was separated by seat.  And then I saw it.  Nine stacks of cash.  Why in the world do you need split tickets when everyone is paying cash?  Split tickets make absolutely NO sense when everyone has a wad of bills of various denomination at their disposal.  What, you say you don't have the appropriate change?  Give me that damn twenty and I'll gladly give you a couple fives and some ones.  Then freaking round.  What, you don't know the exact cost of what you ordered?  You ordered soup and water.  I'm sure you can calculate the cost of one thing.  It's written in the goddamn menu after all.  Or, if you ordered *gasp* two things get out that cellphone and add it up.  Or exercise that mental math you clearly no longer use.

Why must you torture me by making me count change ten times?  I don't carry endless amounts of money in the stupid little pouch.  This means I have to take all your cash to the bar and get change.  After I change your money out I have to count out the correct change nine separate times.  Not only does it make me want to gouge my eyes out, it takes an awful lot of time.  An awful lot of time that makes you pissed off because you have a business meeting to get to so you can discuss topics of importance.  Can anyone think of an easy way to remedy this time consuming and annoying situation?  Oh yeah, you can be a normal person and all "throw in" on one tab.

Instead, you have to wait while your impatience grows.  Naturally, this waiting is my fault and though I've given you impeccable service for the last forty-five minutes I am suddenly horrible at my job.  This obviously gives you the right to leave me a dollar.  Or less.

And for the record, table 16, I can technically refuse to split a ticket for a party larger than eight.  My menu says so.  I can also add an 18% gratuity.  In case you were wondering nine is bigger than eight.  But we all know math isn't your thing. You're welcome for the favor.