Losing It

Go ahead and think it, I’m a horrible blogger.  I’ve left things terribly neglected and for that I apologize.  The truth is – because I believe in the benefit of full-disclosure – I have completely lost my drive.  Actually, that would be a vast understatement.  I haven’t so much lost my drive as I’ve totally lost myself.  And that is a frightening realization.

To be honest, I find myself lacking the passion I have always found to be one of my greatest strengths.  Perhaps it’s the homework.  Perhaps it’s the lack of a social life.  Perhaps it’s the changing of the blog.  It’s probably a combination of a lot of different things.  Whatever the reasons for the place I’m in, the only clear thing is I need a way out.

A few days ago I hit rock bottom.  I can’t say I’ve hit rock bottom before, but I’m pretty sure that hysterically balling over the phone to your mom on the floor of your closet certainly qualifies.  Yes, I am ashamed to admit that is where I actually found myself.  I said an awful lot of things as the tears came without restraint into the dark.  I said I wanted to drop out of school.  I said I felt alone.  I said I hated my life.  I said things that scare me.  And while I eventually calmed down and found my way to a chair, I still felt that same dread.  My drive was gone and I didn’t know where to find it.

But the next morning I still got up and found my way to the gym.  Even though I really didn’t want to be there.  I didn’t want to be anywhere besides the comfort of my bed.  I wanted to sink into its sheets and simply disappear.  Despite all that, I got up and ventured to the YMCA before the sun was even up.  I was just a couple weeks out from a fitness competition after all.

And as I was there doing my cardio and weight training I realized the drive it took to kick my own ass for months on end.  I felt the strength of my body.  I felt the power of my will.  In a split second I realized just how driven I could be.  Things became clear and I understood the amazing kind of person I am.  It was corny as shit, but it all felt so right.

So I went home and joined LinkedIn.  Maybe that sounds weird, but I threw myself into the project and as I created my profile and looked at my resume I realized how much I’ve done with the opportunities that have been presented to me.  I realized that I am an asset to myself as much as I am one to everyone else.  My confidence in myself – though diminished – still existed somewhere inside me.

Yes, I still feel lonely.  I still feel a little lost.  I still feel unsure about an awful lot of things, but I realize that life can and will work itself out.  It’s just the how I’m not quite sure of yet.  But maybe I don’t need to be in a rush to figure all that out.

Right now I just need to work on returning to the positivity I have always prided myself on.  I also need to work on returning this blog to something I’m really proud of.  Who knows, maybe someone will read it, appreciate what I’m doing and offer me the dream job that I feel so very compelled to have.  But then who really knows anything?

Maybe that’s the beauty of it all.