01 October 2011

Losing It

Go ahead and think it, I’m a horrible blogger.  I’ve left things terribly neglected and for that I apologize.  The truth is – because I believe in the benefit of full-disclosure – I have completely lost my drive.  Actually, that would be a vast understatement.  I haven’t so much lost my drive as I’ve totally lost myself.  And that is a frightening realization.

To be honest, I find myself lacking the passion I have always found to be one of my greatest strengths.  Perhaps it’s the homework.  Perhaps it’s the lack of a social life.  Perhaps it’s the changing of the blog.  It’s probably a combination of a lot of different things.  Whatever the reasons for the place I’m in, the only clear thing is I need a way out.

A few days ago I hit rock bottom.  I can’t say I’ve hit rock bottom before, but I’m pretty sure that hysterically balling over the phone to your mom on the floor of your closet certainly qualifies.  Yes, I am ashamed to admit that is where I actually found myself.  I said an awful lot of things as the tears came without restraint into the dark.  I said I wanted to drop out of school.  I said I felt alone.  I said I hated my life.  I said things that scare me.  And while I eventually calmed down and found my way to a chair, I still felt that same dread.  My drive was gone and I didn’t know where to find it.

But the next morning I still got up and found my way to the gym.  Even though I really didn’t want to be there.  I didn’t want to be anywhere besides the comfort of my bed.  I wanted to sink into its sheets and simply disappear.  Despite all that, I got up and ventured to the YMCA before the sun was even up.  I was just a couple weeks out from a fitness competition after all.

And as I was there doing my cardio and weight training I realized the drive it took to kick my own ass for months on end.  I felt the strength of my body.  I felt the power of my will.  In a split second I realized just how driven I could be.  Things became clear and I understood the amazing kind of person I am.  It was corny as shit, but it all felt so right.

So I went home and joined LinkedIn.  Maybe that sounds weird, but I threw myself into the project and as I created my profile and looked at my resume I realized how much I’ve done with the opportunities that have been presented to me.  I realized that I am an asset to myself as much as I am one to everyone else.  My confidence in myself – though diminished – still existed somewhere inside me.

Yes, I still feel lonely.  I still feel a little lost.  I still feel unsure about an awful lot of things, but I realize that life can and will work itself out.  It’s just the how I’m not quite sure of yet.  But maybe I don’t need to be in a rush to figure all that out.

Right now I just need to work on returning to the positivity I have always prided myself on.  I also need to work on returning this blog to something I’m really proud of.  Who knows, maybe someone will read it, appreciate what I’m doing and offer me the dream job that I feel so very compelled to have.  But then who really knows anything?

Maybe that’s the beauty of it all.


  1. Dear Sauce, I can understand that with the blog being a really very big thing in your life the recent events will have been pretty horrible. That said, please, please understand that everything you've written has been awesome. Your blog has allowed a great many people to read and learn things we'd never ever have known about otherwise. I love to read stories from people who live in other countries and you've got some pretty good stories. I don't know if any of this helps, but please know that to me you're totally awesome and that I'll be rooting for you and your blog.

  2. I've been through that myself a couple times. I'm kind of going through it now, actually. It's terrifying. I'm glad you were able to get some perspective. Sometimes we need to turn around and see that long road stretching back to where we were to where we *are* to be reminded of our own awesome strength, before we can continue moving forward. If that makes any sense.

  3. A little self inspection every now and then does help cleanse the palate so to speak my dear Sauce. Look at all you've accomplished. I'll point you to the "I want her Job" posting about you. That's right. YOU. It wasn't about your blog, or about the Orange shorts and tube top( well maybe a little), but it was about you, and all you've accomplished to get to that point. When they told you to take down the blog, You could have in a fit of rage, just done that. Posted what happened and then said, eff it and gone on your merry way. But not you Sauce. You decided that you wanted to keep your blog, and continue to do what you love. That right there is your drive. You do what you love. You just gotta kick yourself in the ass every once in a while to get back to where you need to be. And where you want to go. Keep the faith hon. You've got a lot of people out here in the interwebs who support you and want to see you succeed!


  4. you're a gem. altho i don't follow your blog THAT closely, i know i have never finished reading an entry feeling i've just wasted two minutes of my life.

    it sucks being an active student sometimes. i really understand. in fact... i'm lucky to be getting complimentary mental checkups. (long story)

  5. This will sound dumb, but...you haven't totally lost yourself if you know that you're losing something. Seriously. And if you can admit what you feel to yourself and talk about it with others that shows that you still have a bit more self-confidence than many people in your situation would. Also, wanting to drop out of school in early days is pretty normal (the people who never question themselves early on are often the people who get hit hardest in the end, when things don't work out quite how they were expecting).

  6. Thanks for the update! Corny, lol, I was watching olympic stories from the 98 Nagano games in Japan and had tears rolling down my face becasue of the personal journeys of the featured athletes.

    Miss ya

  7. I am currently feeling that same way. I have taken the initiative to pin point the things that make me happy & the things that stress me out to filter my life. I love reading your blog. I've read every post up to date and I will continue to do so because your blog is in the happy section of my life :). Keep your head up champ. I'm also rooting for you here from St. Thomas, US Virgin Islands.

  8. Nothing super inspirational to say... just know that everyone feels like you have at some point..but as a longtime reader of your blog...I'm confident that youll always pull yourself out of the muck and figure things out...and you have a lot of people that care and root for your success....and on that note...good luck and go kick that fitness competition in the ass!!!



Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...