It was only after their meal had ended and the couple had made their way back into the Montana cold that I really understood how impressive, and disturbing, the burger eating had actually been. As I moved her nearly empty plate to begin busing the table, I was greeted by the upper-half of her smile staring up at me. She had left her dentures right there on the table.
|So do you come here often? CREDIT.|
My first reaction was utter disgust. Here were a woman’s teeth just hanging out on the table under the edge of her plate. She hadn’t even placed them on a napkin like I did with my retainer when I was fifteen. That would make sense. Instead, the elderly woman had taken out her slobbery teeth and just let them rest on a table in a busy restaurant. Germs apparently weren’t a consideration.
After getting over my initial reaction of disgust, I began to contemplate how I should go about removing the dentures from the table and what to do with them anticipating the couple’s return for the rather important item. I finally decided to go in with a paper towel and a plate and go after her teeth like a man. Just so you know, even with a paper towel it is not an enjoyable task to pick up a pair of someone else’s dentures. They felt warm and slippery and altogether unpleasant. I would place it on the same level as picking up dog shit with a plastic bag. I don’t care who you are or how many dogs you’ve owned, no one likes feeling poop on the other side of a thin layer of plastic. Dentures easily fall in this category.
Once I’d finally worked up the courage to get the dentures on a plate and safely to the office, I had time to truly appreciate what an incredibly feat gumming a half-pound burger is. That takes some serious skill. This woman didn’t even go in with a knife and fork. She picked that bad boy up and managed to decimate it without a full set of teeth. And I didn’t even notice until I was left to pick her dentures up from the table. Kudos, old lady.
The next time someone complains about our burgers being too big, I will suppress the urge to compare them to a toothless old woman who knows how to get shit done. I will similarly suppress the urge to laugh at them and tell them that they – and their teeth – are not as awesome as they think they are. Unfortunately, regaling my guests with a story involving picking up someone else’s dentures is not exactly appropriate mealtime conversation – no matter how incredible that story is. This will just have to be an inside joke between you and me.
And don’t worry; she came back for her teeth.