The Swimsuit Contest...Finally

You're probably wondering why I took the time to tell you I got second in the contest and then be a totally buttfacehead and not tell you anything more.  You're probably wondering when I got so effing mean.  I swear I'm still nice.  Allow me to explain with a wordy description of the contest and its aftermath.

I went into this contest not expecting anything.  In fact, at the time I decided to compete not because I was looking to win, but because I have been kicking my own ass for my NPC fitness contest – which is Saturday by the way – and I look damn good.  I also spent a lot of money on a most adorable bikini that I then spent more money on by painstakingly gluing Swarovski crystals to.  I figured why not show off my hard work and my most adorable bikini?  So I signed up and expected nothing.

On the day of the contest I came in feeling like a million dollars.  The night before a friend had given me a gorgeous set of extensions (meant to give me in edge afore mentioned NPC contest this weekend) that took me from a short A-line to long curls.  I also had my amazing gold bikini all ready to go.  Plus I did a really good job on my eye makeup.  Basically you can wrap all that up in a neat little bow called “I was feeling hot.”

So I went up on stage and strutted my stuff.  Uniform, dress, bikini – I rocked them all.  I waved.  I blew kisses.  I popped my hip.  I disgusted myself with how bubbly I became with so little effort.  Essentially, I was a nearly perfect example of a Hooters Girl.

First runner up, second runner up, winner

When it finally came town to announce the winner, I still expected nothing.  Sure, it would be nice to win and spend nine glorious days in Miami, but I certainly wasn’t going to be upset if that didn’t happen.  So when the crowning began and I suddenly found myself with a pink runner-up sash around my neck I was totally content.  I got second and that, my friends, was awesome.

Then they announced the winner.  And that surprised everyone.  A wonderful girl who has been with Hooters Missoula since we opened, was also surprised to win.  It wasn’t that she shouldn’t have, it was that this girl was pregnant.  Not very pregnant, but pregnant none the less.

In that moment, she looked at me and I looked at her and had the sudden realization that I very well could be going to Miami to represent our store.  And the next day that is exactly what I was told.  Well sort of anyway.

My owner called me the next day to say that though I had placed second, the odds were very good that I would be the one going.  In fact my odds were so good that he said, “ok, you’re going.”  While there was obviously still I chance that things would change, I was left to believe that through a crazy set of circumstances I had found myself as Miss Hooters Missoula.

For a week I wrapped my head around the idea that I would be going to Miami.  I thought about all the things I would need to prepare.  I thought about what my costume would be for the vendor show.  I thought about how small my “fit girl” boobs would look.

And exactly a week later my owner called me again.  He told me that circumstances had changed and that the winner would indeed be our representative.  Now before you jump to horrid conclusions, I’ll be the first to say that I think this girl is not the type that would ever do anything drastic for a bikini contest.  Of course rumors have flown, but I don’t believe a one of them.

Initially I was disappointed.  In fact, I was surprised by my disappointment.  While I’d prepared myself for not going, I’d also become excited for the idea that I very well might; I had been looking forward to it without even really realizing it.  I couldn’t help but be a little bummed.

So all this is why I didn’t go into detail about the contest.  To be honest, I was waiting until I could tell you that I was going to Miami.  The story wouldn’t have been complete without that bit of information.  Instead, I come to you finishing second and not being upset about it.

I love my Hooters family and couldn’t be happier for the dear friend who will be representing us in Miami; I know she’ll do a good job.  Would I have liked to go?  Sure, but it certainly wasn’t my desire or my expectation.  My desire was only to be confident and proud of the hard work I’ve put in changing my body composition.  My desire was to represent myself as the strong, fit, happy woman that I am.  And that I certainly accomplished.

June = Awesome in the Life of Sauce

June has never been very modest.  Even in '51.  CREDIT.

Sometimes you have those days when you wake up and things seem to be going really freaking well.  Everything is happening the way it should and shit is just awesome.  Well as of June first, that's pretty much how this whole month seems to be shaping up for me.  Yes, the forecast for my month of June seems to be sunny with a 90% chance of total baddassness.  It may be rainy and cold in real life, but my June is so totally legit I can ignore that.  That's how high June's wonderful quotient is.  I am already loving these thirty sweet days.

I started my June by finding a new place to live that isn't smaller than most celebrity - or even some rich normal people - closets.  After a year and half of paying way too much money for way too little space I am finally going to call a real apartment home.  An apartment with real rooms and doors separating those real rooms.  I won't be able to touch my oven from my bed.  Not mad about it.  I'll be in a cute little apartment with character that just so happens to be three blocks from downtown and three blocks from campus.  I call that perfection.  

But what makes of this even more exciting is that I wasn't just apartment hunting for me, I was apartment hunting for my sister who currently lives 5,000 miles away in Amsterdam.  Did I mention that my sister lives in Amsterdam currently?  Well she totally does.  That's how cool and international my family is.  Unfortunately there is nothing cool about international apartment hunting for someone who can be picky as shit.  That is hard as hell.  Finding this place - that I get to move into on the eleventh - ends an arduous two month search that had to meet approval from half way around the world.  Now here's hoping she actually likes it when she moves back in August.  I'm already in love.

Beyond the apartment, I'm just feeling really good about my life.  I've been working out more than my usual half-assery and decided that I shouldn't waste my 6:00 am workouts by eating the way I usually do (healthy with an extra healthy dose of "I'll cheat with this huge burger because I'm drinking copious amounts of alcohol later").  The exclusion of alcohol and eating immaculately 100% of the time has put me in the best shape I've been in since college track.  I'm finally seeing real results and am amazed about how good my body feels.  All I did was make a few rather small changes and my body is finally thanking me after nearly two months.  Just in time for bikinis.  You have impeccable timing, body.

The most important part of why my June is going to be extra awesome has nothing to do with my new living situation or my physical fitness.  Most awesomely, I'll be leaving for Miami in two weeks.  On June eighteenth, I leave to spend nine marvelous days in Florida.  But this isn't a simple vacation.  Hooters is sending me to the International Swimsuit Pageant.

Now before you get all excited and jump to the conclusion that I'm competing, let me tell you that is not the case.  Instead, I'll be a Hooters Girl correspondent of sorts conducting interviews, attending events, doing some PR and of course giving all of you a behind the scenes look at the Pageant.  Now to my knowledge, I am the first girl being given an opportunity like this.  That's pretty amazing.  Of all the thousands and thousands of Hooters Girls around the world, I get to have a Hooters first.  I am downright ecstatic.  And downright ready to parlay this opportunity into a corporate position one day.  Seriously.  That's what I want for my future.  I clearly love Hooters.

So that's why my June is going to be awesome.  Add all that to the fact that I start my first grad school class right after I get back - which I'm also very excited about because I'm a super nerd - and this month is pretty much perfect.  If I could round it out with buying a winning Powerball ticket I'd have the best month of my life on my hands.  I should probably run to the gas station now and buy a handful of quick picks.

My Hooters Twin

He was intently staring at the picture on the wall.  Very intently.  Then he'd turn, look at me and move his eyes back to the picture in front of him.  This is Hooters, there are lots of pictures on the wall.  It's just one of those restaurants that likes to have a lot of random crap around.  We have old magazine covers, pictures of celebrities, local sports memorabilia and lot of other crap no really takes the time to notice.  But this guy, he noticed.  And he couldn't stop noticing it seemed.

The picture he was staring at ever so absorbedly was taken after our swimsuit contest in April and it featured two bikini clad brunettes, skin glistening with Pam Cooking Spray (that's no joke).  And one of those oily brunettes just so happens to be yours truly.  Most people never notice the picture, but those that do will generally come up to me and give me some type of compliment that I awkwardly accept because really I don't much like the picture.  Yeah, I look pretty good but there is something about having my bikini bod up there that I don't really like.  Weird for a girl that works at Hooters, I know.

After looking at the picture for a minute or so the man finally started towards me.  I was ready for a comment about how nice I looked or a question about how I got such a shine to my skin.  I was prepared for this moment.

Dude:  "Did you know that that girl in the picture over there looks just like you?!"

Wait, what?  That's not the usual response.  I decide to roll with it.

Sauce:  "Oh my gosh, I get that ALL the time.  So funny."

Dude:  "You clearly have a Hooters twin.  It's the only answer."

Sauce:  "Yeah, that's probably it.  Small world isn't it?"

This guy generally did not get that I was the girl in the picture.  Winner.

Dude:  "Well I hope you get the chance to meet her one day.  Then they can put a picture of both of you up!"

It took everything I had to not laugh my ass off.  Everything.  I.  Had.

I'm currently looking for my Hooters twin.  I have a feeling it's a lost cause.

Swimsuit Contest: The Day After

I'm sure you're all curious about the swimsuit competition.  No, I didn't win.  No, I didn't win the trip to Vegas.  No, I didn't place.  But I looked DAMN hot and realized that a month of crazy healthy eating and hitting the gym before 7:00 a.m. has done my body well.  And by doing my body well I really mean doing my body really effing well.  I am a hottie and summer isn't even here yet!  I call that being proactive my friend.

Anyhooters, the contest itself was actually really fun.  This surprised me.  One would think that prancing around in a bikini in front of a standing room only restaurant would be anything but fun.  I was apparently mistaken.  Silly me.  Yes, I can honestly say that I enjoyed my time on stage.  I enjoyed the cheers and yelling and gawking.  I like hearing, "Dear, God, look at those long legs."  This even surprised me.  I expected to feel embarrassed during my time on stage; somewhat ashamed I would display myself that way.  As I alluded to before, a swimsuit contest really isn't me.  I'm not the girly-girl Hooters Girl that likes to be on display.  I'm the Hooters Girl that is down to earth and talks sports with her tables while actually knowing what she is talking about.  I'm the tomboy Hooters Girl.  But apparently I'm the swimsuit pageant Hooters Girl too.  Who knew?

So what is a Hooters swimsuit contest like?  Well they're all a little different.  But every Hooters is different, so this is to be expected.  Our competition went a little something like this.  First we all paraded around in our bikinis in a procession of half-naked awesomeness.  Wings were prevalent, beer was flowing and bodies glistened with baby oil.  It was a beautiful thing.  After all thirteen of us marched out together we switched to "clubwear."  Basically, clubwear means finding the sexiest little dress you can.  The shorter and cleavagier (it's not a word, I know) the better.  You get the idea.  This time we came out individually to strut and pose and answer a question.  Out of that big list of twenty questions they effing asked us one.  I thought this was a little lame considering you can't discern much from one damn question and quite frankly some of the questions sucked.  Luckily, the swimsuit contest gods were kind to me and presented me with a question I liked.  It went a little something like this:

MC:  "So, Sauce, who is your favorite professional athlete?

Sauce:  "Well currently I'd have to go with Usain Bolt.  I'm a track girl and he gives all us tall sprinters hope.  But - and don't hate here - all time favorite I'd definitely have to go with my boy John Elway."

A thunderous roar erupts from the crowd.  It seems the Broncos fans were out in force.  Sweet!

MC:  "Ok, so how about your favorite nonprofessional athlete?"

Sauce:  (Eff I am unprepared for this little twist) "I'd have to go with myself.  Obviously."

More applause and laughter emits from the crowd.  Humor is a plus with crowd.  Noted.

MC:  "So what about the curlers?  No love for them?"

Sauce:  "Excuse me, curlers are professional athletes in my eyes."

Nailed it.  The crowd loved me.  And somehow I had taken a single question and effortlessly made it into a conversation.  I am just that good.  The other girls were impressed.  And glad they didn't get the sports question.

After we all had our clubwear interview we changed back to our bikinis and did our individual bikini judging.  Basically this consisted of a sexy walk, some smiling a little wave maybe, a wink if you were really saucy, a pose, a turn, a pose, some more walking, more posing, a little final flirting and exit.  Of course all of this was also completed in insanely tall shoes and a bikini on a slippery stage, even slipperier floor, and the most slippery of all, two frightening stairs.  Final count resulted in only two major falls and about nine minor slips.  I'd have to say this was pretty good all things considered.

Finally, we all came out for one last group walk before returning for judging.  This is quite possibly the worst part.  You have to stand there and smile and wait and keep smiling when they don't say your name.  Yes, we're all friends and I'm happy for the winner and those that placed, but it's still no easy thing to do.  You stand there and look pretty and smile and then your name isn't called.  It's marginally disappointing.  Even to a girl that didn't want to win.

So the winner was announced, we were all happy, relieved and excited to indulge in copious amounts of fried food and alcohol.  Please note that if you value your life you will NEVER get in front of a girl who has spent the last two days basically starving herself after living for weeks on protein shakes, Boca Burgers and vegetables after she has completed a bikini contest.  You will get trampled to death as her heeled feet sprint to the nearest bar/fried food haven.  Luckily, we were in a Hooters.  Fried food and alcohol was rained upon us.  A cheat day never felt so effing good.

That concludes my swimsuit contest experience.  I loved it.  Now, I am serving as Miss Hooters Missoula's manager.  Well sorta.  Since I'm the one with the degree and business knowledge and the marketing foresight that can only be gained through five years of college courses and one award winning student advertising campaign, I have graciously decided to help her get sponsors and get her name out and generally be awesome.  Last year our winner spent $2,000 out of pocket to attend the Hooters International Bikini Pageant.  This year, I'm going to prevent that.  I've already gotten her a weekly radio gig.  Less than 24 hours after the contest.  I am that good.

Note:  Yes, that headless chick is me.  And yes, the picture does make my boobs look small.  Thanks for noticing.

Swimsuit Contest

Swimsuit contest is today.  I'm not expecting, or wanting, to win - I don't want to be in the International Pageant.  Second place is an all-expense paid trip to Vegas though; that I could definitely handle.

A Little Bit About Sauce

Our swimsuit contest is coming up in the beginning of April.  I signed up.  This is a decision I nearly immediately regretted.  First off it's really not my style.  It's also insanely expensive when all is said and done.  Being my father's daughter, I hate spending money.  He's Dutch, he taught me cliché, Dutch cheapness amazingly well.  In addition he also taught me not be a quitter.  So here I am somewhat begrudgingly preparing for my swimsuit contest debut (unless you count bikini skiing contest, I already have that championship under my belt).

This post however is not directly about the bikini contest.  Rather, it is about the questions we will be asked during the bikini contest.  In an effort to show that Hooters Girls do indeed have a personality, management has decided to include a small interview question to the contest.  This will either be the greatest idea ever or an incredible disaster.  Luckily the questions contain nothing of actual substance so we should be just fine.  We wouldn't want to challenge anyone.

Here I will present you with the both the questions (of which we will be asked two or three) and my own answers.  I figured this could be an interesting journey into the life of Sauce.  Or it will be boring.  Whatever, you'll read it anyway.

1.   Where do you see yourself in ten years?
Are we looking at this realistically or ideally?  Realistically, I hope to be a lawyer starting a family.  I hope to be successful both professionally and personally.  Mostly, I hope I'm happy and devastatingly in love.
Ideally on the other hand, I hope that I'm a singer that was successful enough to drop out of law school and devote myself to my music.  I still hope I'm happy and devastatingly in love.

2.   What' the worst pickup line you've heard at Hooters?
"So, you want my hotel room number or what?"  He proceeded to leave the room number on his receipt for me.  Seriously.

3.   What's your favorite word?
Plethora.

4.   If you had a billion dollars what would you do with it?
Honestly I'd probably just save it all.  I have a very hard time spending money, even when I have a lot of it.  Saving money gives me a weird high so saving a billion dollars would probably give me a crazy insane high.  Oh and I'd donate a lot to Parkinson's research because seeing my grandmother die from it was one of the worst things I've ever seen.

5.   Do you have any nicknames?  If so what?
Sauce, Hot Sauce and any variation therein.  This is a (somewhat) logical progression from my actual name that can be mildly confusing as it's anything but common.  I've also been called Big Dutch because I am tall and Dutch, but it makes people that don't know me think I'm obese and Dutch.  Since it's less than flattering I try to ignore that one.

6.   Who's your favorite Professional Athlete?
Current:  Usain Bolt.  I am a track nerd.  Plus, he gives tall sprinters hope.  Thank you.
All-time:  John Elway.  DON'T HATE!

7.   Describe your dream man.
First off he's tall.  I'm talking 6'3+.  I like to wear heels.  This is a no compromise issue.  But mostly he makes me laugh, makes me think and makes me feel loved.  He is trusting and trustworthy.  He is driven to be successful both personally and professionally.  And he's really, really cute.  Tall, dark and handsome?  Yes please!

8.   What's your favorite feature of yourself?
My quick wit.  Or my extremely long legs.  Either way.

9.   What was your worst dating experience?
I've had many less that ideal dating experiences.  It's hard to choose, but my worst would be the guy who took me to an Italian restaurant and used his hand to wind his linguine around his fork.  Watching him wrap those noodles around and around and around will forever be etched in my brain.  But I did date a guy who lived in a doublewide with his parents and was unemployed.  Obviously picking my worst is a hard choice.

10.   Have you cheated on a test?
I've never cheated to get ahead on a test, but I have helped others cheat.  I took Native American Studies 100 with a very serious boyfriend and he thought studying was overrated.  After he scored quite poorly on his first test of the class, I helped him cheat on the two remaining exams.  It was a large lecture class and we'd sit a seat apart with our feet touching.  I would then tap his foot to correspond with the answers; one tap for A, two for B, three for C and so on.  He got As on the remaining tests.

11.   What is your favorite activity to do at Hooters?
I love playing my guitar at work.  I don't know any other restaurant that would encourage me to do that.

12.   Describe yourself in three words. (for the record I effing hate this question)
Tall, glamorous nerd.

13.   What's the weirdest thing that has happened to you while working at Hooters?
Nylons man.   Enough said.

14.   Describe your first kiss.
I was almost seventeen.  You can call me a late-bloomer.  It was slobbery and awful.  I mean really slobbery.  Luckily, my second kiss let me know the saliva issue was clearly not my fault.

15.   What did you want to be as a child?
When I was really little I wanted to be President.  Then I decided I'd be a meteorologist.  This dream ended when I went to the National Weather Service at fourteen and every employee was an overweight guy at a computer.  I realized I didn't fit in.

16.   What is your favorite food at Hooters?
If calories didn't exist I'd say the Strip Cheese Sandwich.  Other than that I'd say oysters on the half shell.

17.   What is the most memorable day that you've ever had?
Winning the State Championship for high jump.

18.   Tell your favorite joke.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and rhino?   Elephino!  Read it out loud.  Seriously do it.  Stupid, I know, but people ALWAYS laugh.

19.   Why would you want to win this swimsuit contest?
I would want to win this contest to show that a Hooters Girl is not only about a certain look, but she's about personality and charm too.  She more than a pretty face, she's a beautiful person.

20.   What do you love most about Montana?
I love how in Montana you can drive five minutes out of town and be lost in the wilderness.  I love that juxtaposition of urban and rural that is quintessentially Montana.