Search Term Sunday: Are Hooters Girls Prostitutes

I know, I know, it's not Sunday anymore.  However, since I'm still sitting here in my uniform and cover-up and I just got off work, it's still Sunday in my world.   So, onward with Search Term Sunday

Are the Hooters Girls prostitutes?  Looking through my search terms, I cam across this little gem.  The most obvious answer is no, Hooters Girls are most certainly not prostitutes.  I don't walk up to my tables and say, "How 'bout some wings, hot and extra wet....oh and a blow job?"  While I'm sure many people would appreciate the added bonus of a sexual favor here and there, it most certainly isn't going to happen at Hooters.  I'll sell you wings until I'm blue in the face, but I will never sell you my body.

I mean really, who even asks such a question?  Do you think the waitress at Perkin's is a prostitute?  How about the nice girl at the coffee hut you frequent in the mornings?  Or what about the guy at the McDonald's drive through if that's more your thing?  You would never assume that these individuals are prostitutes.  Why would you assume that I am?  Oh that's right, I serve food with a smile and dash of sexuality.  It's not an overt sexuality; it's a playful, innocent and even naive sexuality.  Apparently, this sexual undertone makes me a prostitute.  Guess I missed that one in my job description.  Must have fallen right between "girl next door" and "all-American cheerleader type" in the manual.

My question is why would one assume that prostitution is a part of Hooters?  Obviously, as I said above, this has something to do with the way I dress because really that is the major difference between Hooters and any other sports bar.  I mean I also hula hoop, sing, dance, and actually get to know my customers incredibly well, but I'm pretty sure none of those things are red flags that Hooters is a bastion of the sex trade.  So that leaves the fact that I wear a tank top, shorts, nylons and atrocious socks.  Sounds like the outfit of a high-class whore to me.  I mean really, what more could a man want then a pair of ultra nude pantyhose and smell ass socks to go along with his hour of paid sexual promiscuity?

Hate to break it to you, but Hooters really is just about the food...and the breasts.  Unfortunately (for horny, lonely men at least) the breasts aren't for sale.  Hate to be a heartbreaker or a cockblock, but if I wanted to be a prostitute I'd move to the Bunny Ranch and change my name.  I'll stick with wings.

Search Term Sunday: Hooters Ranch Dressing

It seems that many a Hooters patron is curious about that all-important condiment ranch dressing. Various combinations of Hooters, dressing and ranch have occurred in my search terms countless times. You see, Hooters serves wings and ranch goes with wings quite nicely; the curiosity is understandable.

Of course, beyond ranch so perfectly accompanying wings, ranch is quite possibly America's favorite condiment. Feel free to argue with me, ketchup (or catsup if you prefer) lovers, but I will fight for the honor of ranch to the death. Do you eat ketchup on pizza, breadsticks, cheese sticks, salads and wings? I think not. Yes, Americans love ranch and all of its creamy, calorie packed goodness. Ranch has effortlessly captured the hearts of the American people.

As a contrast, I offer you a scenario involving an Italian exchange student who recently had his first Hooters experience. His first statement was that he thought we'd all be on roller skates. I was sorry to disappoint. After realizing we wear shoes, his next inquiry was to try ranch dressing. He hated it. You see ranch is a truly American phenomenon. It is lost on the rest of the world, much like Kraft Mac and Cheese and microwave popcorn (seriously, bring some on your next trip to Europe and watch minds be blown). It's fine though; we'll keep all the ranch for ourselves.

In a country in love with ranch, what makes Hooters ranch so special? Well, it's really freaking good ranch. You know how it is, restaurant ranch is amazing and no matter how hard you search and how many brands you try nothing in the store ever compares. It's like some cruel joke. I can just imagine ranch manufactures laughing at us all now. Hooters ranch is much like that - it's the Holy Grail of ranch. I would even go so far as to say it is perhaps my favorite ranch. Yes, I will denounce all other ranch dressings for the deliciousness of that provided at Hooters. A big deal, I know.

Logically, after all my ranch rambling, you are probably most curious as to what ranch Hooters uses. Well, at my Hooters we actually use a lite ranch produced by a company called Naturally Fresh*. Yes, you heard me right, a lite ranch. Don't let the word lite frighten you, it is still a most epic and enjoyable condiment. And the best news, you can order Naturally Fresh products online! Seriously, YOU CAN ORDER THE BEST RANCH EVER RIGHT HERE.

You can thank me later for the party that will occur in your mouth if you order.

*Please note that as Hooters is franchised some locations may use a different condiment provider. However, all of the Hooters I have personally visited have use this brand.

Search Term Sunday: Black Uniform Hooters

Looking at the analytical data for my blog I noticed that a lot of people end up at my blog by asking questions. They'll wonder something about Hooters, type a question into Google and suddenly they find their way to Girl and Guitar. I've made light of my search terms before, but I figured I might as well start answering some of the questions on a regular basis.

Enter "Search Term Sundays". Now, every Sunday, I'll post and respond to one of the many search terms that led readers to my blog. This Sunday, we'll start with "black uniform hooters."

Black Uniform Hooters
Hooters is known for several things: wings, hot chicks, grease, owl references and the color orange. Entering a Hooters, you will be lambasted with the color orange. You'll see orange barstools, orange paint, orange menus, orange merchandise and, of course, orange shorts accompanied by white tank tops with orange logos on every hot-bodied waitress in sight.

Of course this won't be the case if you come to Hooters on a Friday because on Friday we don't wear orange; we wear black. Yes, Hooters classes it up a little, pulls all the stops and gets all fancy on Friday by making its Hooters Girls dawn black uniforms. So while every office in town is dressing it down for casual Friday, Hooters is dressing it up with black hot shorts and tanks because everyone knows that black makes anything elegant no matter how short it is. Just ask Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman." Black equals class no matter what.

As far as us Hooters Girls are concerned black can equal whatever it wants to equal but to us it simply equals marvelous. Yes, Hooters Girls love black uniforms almost as much as they love lose wallets. Black Hooters uniforms simply fit better. Add that to the fact that black is flattering as hell and you will have a restaurant full of girls thanking God it's Friday. Ask any Hooters Girl you want, but I can assure you she looks forward to Fridays (guess you don't have ask after all). Friday is king at Hooters as far as days of the week are concerned.

What about the customer? Well frankly, Fridays seem to confuse many a Hooters patron. Countless Fridays I have encountered the questions "why do you wear black?" and "don't you wear orange here?" Then I'm left to explain the whole thing and the customer ends either being more confused, not caring, or wishing they'd come either a day later or a day earlier. I apologize that I don't look like a typical Hooters Girl, but the outfit is still just as tight and just as short so suck it up because you're still getting all the ass and boobs you came for. I'm just in a better mood about my outfit so really it's better for you. This Friday is your luck day.

So now you know why we wear black. But just to confuse you a little more I'll let you know that we also wear it on "special occasions" like UFC and home games for the local college football team or whatever the hell else we randomly decide to celebrate. Also, some Hooters make girls that are training wear black so you can differentiate the inexperienced, sucky Hooters Girls from the more experienced, totally awesome Hooters Girls. Basically, black comes out when it wants to just to shake it up and make you think you may be at that other breastaurant, Winghouse.