A Tale of Skechers

After returning from an epic winter Montana/Yellowstone adventure (more on that in an upcoming post), I arrived back at work to my Christmas present to myself.  Of course because I am what I would consider a rather frugal person the present was functional rather than fun.  A fun self-gift would only lead me to financial anguish because I take sick pleasure in growing - or during school simply maintaing - my bank account.  A functional gift, while still depleting my funds, is at least necessary and thus justifiable.

So I didn't return to a new purse or an iPad or a dragon, instead I returned to a pair of shoes.  But these weren't cute shoes with sparkles and spiked heels, these were the horrible white Skechers Hooters forces me to wear at work.  While they're comfortable enough for work, they are the type of shoes that no one would choose to wear in real life.  They are shoes reserved for waitresses and nurses and cheerleaders.  And I pretty much hate them.

Mostly my disdain for the shoes has nothing to do with how ugly they are, but rather with the fact that I have to fork over $40 to my place of employment for the pleasure of wearing them.  I love my job, but I don't love giving them my Jacksons.  I especially don't like giving them Jacksons I made working my ass off for them.  Something about that just feels wrong to me.  And lets face it, to cheap ass me $40 is about $40 too much.

Eventually though buying new shoes is totally unavoidable because Hooters wants me to have clean, white shoes all the time.  And that shit is effing hard.  I work in a minefield of booze, wing sauce and ranch dressing just waiting to mess up my whole day.  And while you'll keep your shoes clean for awhile they will undoubtedly succumb to the powers that be.  I bleach and wash and even paint, but the process of the dirtying of the shoes cannot be stopped.

While my old shoes were definitely not new, I actually didn't think they were that bad.  That was until my new shoes arrived and I compared the two.  It was disturbing to say the least.

If the ones on the left are white, the ones on the right are a new color never before seen by human eyes.

It's official, I was a naughty Hooters Girl with some really shitty looking shoes.  I maintain that the only way I didn't get my butt in trouble was that I spent the majority of my shifts hiding my feet behind the bar.  Regardless, that shit is embarrassing.  Sorry for being sucky. 

A Comparison

University of Oregon women's track team circa 1980-something.

CREDIT.

Hooters Girls cira 2000-something.

CREDIT.

Well doesn't that look remarkably similar.  Yes, there are certain physical differences (being a former collegiate track athlete I can assure you that curves and runners are generally mutually exclusive), but the uniforms are nearly interchangeable in a lot of ways.  So is the uniform inappropriate?  My feelings are certainly not.  Outdated?  Perhaps.

What do you think?

Swag

When you're one of the 100 lucky ladies who are selected to compete in the Miss Hooters International Pageant you get to live a pretty fabulous life for a week.  You get made up all pretty and have photo shoots.  You attend parties.  Your sign autographs.  Basically you get to be a minor celebrity for a week.  And of course you get to do all of it in sunny Miami.  It's a really hard life.

In addition to all of that, you also get a swag back full of Hooters goodness.  I wish more than anything that I could have one of those swag bags.  It's full of awesome Hooters clothes that I would give anything to get my hands on.  You get a cute little wardrobe as well as two new bikinis and a brand spanking new uniform - INCLUDING shoes.  If you are reading this and you are a Hooters girl you know how totally amazing that is.  And it's all gloriously free.

But what I might love even more than the swag bag is the fact that it comes with a key.  Yes, there is a correct way to use the things you're given during the week of the pageant and they want to make sure you get it right.  So naturally they not only line out what you'll be wearing and when, they give you pictures so you don't mess it up.  Even if you're mostly illiterate.  I think it's totally glorious.

Observe.

There it is, the contestants' daily wardrobe perfectly outlined with both pictures and descriptions.  If you mess it up with that thing you probably need to reevaluate your life.  The whole thing just screams Hooters and I totally adore it.  Today's white skirt day, ladies, don't effing it up.

Four-Eyed Hooters Girls

A fan from England emailed me a question I thought I'd address for all my readers.  Here's what she asked:

Are Hooters Girls permitted to wear glasses?   I only ask because I've never once seen a Hooters Girl wearing them, either in person or in photographs...I found myself wondering whether a Hooters Girl would be allowed to wear glasses or whether contact lenses would be required, or at least preferred?  It's probably a bit of a random question, but I was just curious having never seen a bespectacled Hooters Girl.  Do they exist??

Go Ahead.  Zoom in if you don't believe me.

While seeing a Hooters Girl in glasses is indeed rare, they do exist.  Hooters has no requirement that girls needing corrective lenses wear contacts.  There are a few girls at my store who alternate between contacts and glasses - and look great either way.  We have also had a few girls since we opened who wore glasses everyday.


All that being said, I would say that contacts are worn more often than glasses among the girls who require them.


Have you own Hooters question?  EMAIL Sauce and you might see it answered here on "Hooters According to Sauce."  Or submit your question via FORMSPRING where burning questions are answered everyday!

I Hate Uniform Fitting, Image Class and being a Total Bitch

Somehow I have become the "Image" girl at Hooters.  This means that I am in charge of uniform fitting and image training all new hires at my Hooters.  I'm not really sure how this happened, but one day it just sort of became my job.  It started with fitting one girl and then another and suddenly it was just assumed that it was my job from then on out.  And as much as it's nice to be trusted with a level of responsibility, it's not a job I particularly care for.

While it might sound easy to get a girl her uniform, it's really anything but.  There is nothing comfortable or fun about looking another woman up and down and determining her size.  There you are, alone with a nervous new hire and the first thing that happens is you judge the shit out of her.  You take in the size of her ass and estimate her cup size.  You look her up and down and determine if she's small or smaller or even smaller.  It's pretty much awful for both of us.

Then of course I have to make sure that the all the uniform pieces I chose for her fit correctly.  She'll already feel uneasy putting the uniform on for the first time and I'm forced to make it even worse for her by making her do "the turn."  The turn is a complete 360 that is meant to ensure everything is fitting where it needs to be fitting. 

In addition to making sure she's wearing the uniform correctly, I get to make certain her bum isn't hanging out or her top isn't giving her the dreaded double boob.  Trust me, there are few things more uncomfortable than looking at a girl and telling her she needs bigger shorts because her cheeks are hanging out too much.  No girl ever wants to hear she needs a bigger size - especially not from some girl she just met in a Hooters uniform.

All of this has made me very, very good at uniform fitting because in a situation full of awkward moments I want to avoid as many as possible and get my shit right the first time.  Of course even my Hooters uniform expertise can't save me from Image Class.  Image Class is a three-hour, intensive orientation where each and every new hire learns anything and everything about being a Hooters Girl and maintaining the Hooters Girl look.  This has also become my job.

Image class is where I have to tell girls they are too tan or too white.  I have to tell them their makeup is too heavy or too subtle.  I critique how they do or do not do their hair.  I tell them about proper eating and discuss their exercise regimen.  I do all that and a million other little things that I hate doing.  Of course I have to do it all with just the right amount of "I'm cool" and "I'm a total bitch."  Don't get me wrong, like I said, I love that I was given the responsibility, it's just not in my nature to be so blunt with people.  It's really effing hard for me in fact.

Tomorrow I get the joy of teaching yet another Image Class after a day of working the bar.  It's going to take some psyching up and intense mental preparation.  I've got to get into gentle constructive criticism mode.  Someone pass the wine please.

The Many Temperature Extremes of a Hooters Uniform

Sorry.  I suck.  I was all out of it and writers' blocky and then at my parents house with no internet.  Blah, blah, blah, excuses, blah, blah, like assholes, blah, blahditty, blah, blah.  Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.

It's suddenly that time of year when I'm asked about 938.67 times a day how cold I am.  The question presents itself in many different forms:

•       "You've got to be cold right now."
•       "Isn't it cold in that uniform?"
•       "Don't they let you wear more in the winter?"
•       "How are you not freezing right now?"
•      "I bet you're freezing your ass off."

I'm sure you get the idea.  If you don't, well feel free to stop reading right about now.  Anyhooters, the simple answer to all the above questions and statements is no, I am in fact not cold.  Believe it or not while the outfit appears rather small - and it is - it's actually pretty freaking warm.  This is because Lycra, spandex and nylon are quite possibly the least breathable fabrics in the history of the world.  Second to armor of course which I imagine wasn't breathable at all.  All this limited breathability means that regardless of how small my uniform may seem I'm actually staying pretty warm.  Yes, that little uniform does not have me freezing my ass of.

What the uniform does afford however are some temperature extremes.  Simply, my legs are often hot while my arms are cold.  This is because my dreaded nylons keep my legs very warm while keeping them awkwardly tan looking.  Thanks for that.  So my legs are burning (exaggerating) and my poor bare arms are in danger of being lost to frostbite (double exaggerating).  There is no remedy for this.  It's a Hooters way of life.  Unless of course you're a Hooters that breaks conventional uniform standards and wears long-sleeved shirts in the winter.  Yes, some Hooters actually do that.  I'm going to go ahead and tell you now that you look like complete and total shit.  You're welcome.  You're even more welcome for the picture below in all it's shitty glory - it's unfortunately the best example I could steal off the Hooters Facebook page.  By the way, ladies, I apologize that you're still wearing the shorts from Hell.

I'll go ahead and just state the obvious now; the long sleeve shirt totally defeats one of the purposes of Hooters.  Do I really need to be more obvious?  Fine, the long sleeve shirts allow for no cleavage - unless your boobs miraculously start at your neck which would be freaky weird.  Even I find the lack of boobage disappointing.  Also, I think it makes chubbiness out of skinniness, which is really not an attractive look on anyone.  Not to mention the inherent oxymoron of wearing shorts and long sleeves, but that is probably another thing entirely.  Dear Hooters Girls, man up and avoid the long sleeve crap at all costs.  Trust me on this one.

I'm happy being half hot and half cold.  Besides, after two years you get used to that shit. 

The Comfort of the Hooters Pouch

The pouch is a quintessential piece of the Hooters Girl uniform.  It's that sort of awkward hanging apron that we're all forced to wear.  Nothing about it is attractive because it's the one piece of the uniform that's actually utilitarian.  Out of the whole uniform it's the only thing that actually serves a purpose besides showing off my body.  Of course being that's it's also the one thing that gets in front of showing off said body Hooters has kindly made it as small as possible.  You're welcome. 

I get the joy of shoving everything I need into the one little pouch - also lovingly known as the "Hooters penis" - slung around my waist.  This is not always easy.  Especially when it's a really busy and I'm trying to keep hundreds of dollars straight in the damn thing.  You see, I have to keep all the money I collect during a shift and then I pay Hooters (my sales minus my credit card tips) at the end of the day.  Usually servers have a nice little book to keep everything all organized.  Now I understand that even with a book all the cash can get a little crowded, but without it it's can be truly awful.  Of course that's the situation I'm in because a waiting book and a Hooters pouch don't really get along.  Hooters so kindly decided to design these little pouches so they are just ever so slightly larger than a typical serving book.  Yes, I could shove one in there, but then it's annoying as hell to get in and out and even more annoying as thing slaps against you over and over and over again as you run around the restaurant.

So what's a girl to do with this puzzle of organization?  I fold up a take-out menu and put all my money and credit card receipts in it.  It's a really simple solution to a really annoying problem.  It might not be the best solution, but it's the better than the alternative - shoving all the cash and receipts into the thing.  Yes, some girls just throw all that money into their pouch.  These are generally the same girls that complain about their tips being off at the end of the night.  I wonder if there is a pattern here?

Anyway, all this ranting serves to prove how much I despise the pouch.  Or rather how much I THOUGH I despised the pouch.  Last week I began training as a bartender.  Now if you've been with for me for a while, you'll know that I was supposed to be bar trained LAST June.  And I'm just getting trained now.  But whatever, the lack of followthrough in this situation isn't the point of today's post.  The point is that as a bartender I don't have to wear a pouch.  This is because bartenders actually get their very own till.  Feel free to comment on how awesome that makes me.

While having a till makes me feel more important, not having a pouch makes me feel a lot more naked naked.  After wearing the pouch for over two years I now realize how much coverage that annoying little thing actually offers.  As bothersome as it is, the pouch is just perfect for covering the...er...camel toe.  Suddenly, being without it, I realize just how important the pouch actually is.  I feel as if I've just turned ten and my mom decided I was too old for my favorite blankie.  Yes, the pouch is my safety blanket and I'm not afraid to admit it.

I'm hoping that the added income of bartending will quickly replace the comfort of the pouch.  I might need a twelve-step program.  

Trading Tops

I figured it would be very unfair of me to race off to Vegas and have a fabulous time without updating my blog.  So here I am the night before I jet off leaving you all with a little something to tide you over.  You're welcome.

Being a Hooters Girl, you wear the same thing every day.  It's sort of like being a cartoon character - you open your closet and every outfit is exactly the same.   I remember seeing this on Doug once long ago; every outfit was that green sweater vest and khaki shorts.  Little did I know, that my daily life would one day be reduced to one outfit just like Doug Funny.  Only my daily wardrobe would include orange hot shorts and nylons.  There are some days I'd prefer the sweater vest.

In a life full of uniform redundancy, I look forward to the few little changes I'm allowed.  Changes like black on Friday and special holiday themed tops.  It may not seem like much, but even that can bring some joy to the life of a Hooters Girl.  Ah the simple things in life. 

In addition to these changes in tops, a Hooters Girl can get really lucky and somehow obtain a top from a different store.  Then rather than wearing the same top from the same place, you stand out from the other girls rather dramatically.  Suddenly you have something distinguishing.  Yes, everyone's top says one place and yours says something entirely different.  This differentiation is a coveted thing.

It is no easy task to obtain a top from another store.  Generally, you'll have to have a pay stub and a top to trade when going to another store.  Since Hooters Girl uniforms are so coveted and unavailable to the public, you have to prove your official Hooters Girl status.  Sometimes, regulars can obtain shirts trading them out along their travels, but this is even more rare.   Some stores aren't so strict, but generally a girl needs to be there in person with proof in hand.

Recently, through a very kind regular both at our store and at a store in Wichita, Kansas, I was able to obtain a new top.  While having a Wichita top seems random, it's still pretty cool to have something different.  Plus it's a great conversation starter.  I'm also hoping it's just the first of a growing collection of official Hooters tops.  I already have my paystub packed in hopes that I can get my hands on a Vegas top (though I have a feeling they probably don't hand those out even with a pay stub).  Here's hoping on Friday I'll not only have a killer tan, but also a really killer top to show off on my first shift back to work.

The Tattoo

I got a tattoo touched up today.  While that is all exciting and good, what got me most appeared on the "Basic Tattoo Care" information sheet I was handed as I walked out the door.  I've seen these sheets before and ordinarily wouldn't even read them anymore, but for some reason I took it.  And I read it.  I'm glad I did.

Line two of "WHAT NOT TO USE/DO" (yes, that is in ALL CAPS) reads:  No swimming, hot tubs, baths, saunas or nylons for 10-14 day or until completely healed.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Apparently, whoever wrote these guidelines is unfamiliar with the whole nylon aspect of Hooters.  Then again, Hooters Girls aren't meant to have tattoos so maybe the joke is on me.  Either way I'll be breaking the rules of tattoo care for the next 10-14 days.  Starting tomorrow.  I am such a badass.

The Crop Top

The infamous crop top has indeed returned to Hooters.  Once upon a time, Hooters Girls wore t-shirts tied up at the back.  They also didn't wear nylons.  True story.  Well we're still wearing nylons, but Hooters has reintroduced an updated version of the cropped top.  Instead of a tied up t-shirt, the new crop top is a tight fitting, v-necked shirt with cap sleeves.   Overall, it's a more flattering looking than the traditional tank.  Well unless you count the bare midriff.

The crop top that was recently introduced is NOT replacing the Hooters Uniform.  While some stores are including the crop top - mine included - they cannot force their employees to wear it.  At my store for instance, certain girls are approved to wear the top and are allowed to wear it only on certain night shifts.  Our management decided the crop top was not necessarily appropriate for dayshifts and I tend to agree.   The only exception to this is the bartender who is allowed to wear the crop top during any shift.

So what do I think of the crop top?  Well first off, I was approved for the top, but I have a tattoo that shows on my back when wearing it and I'm really too lazy to cover it up.  So it will be a rare occasion on which I dawn the crop top myself.  But surprising, I actually don't mind the top.  When I heard about it initially, I was very hesitant.  I thought it would make Hooters look trashier and somewhat increase the negative image that many hold.  In fact, my opinion before experiencing the top was pretty much summed up by a fellow blogging (ex) Hooters Girl HERE.  However, on the right body, the crop top can look adorable if it's fit appropriately.  This is the key.  In some pictures I have seen, girls that should not be wearing the crop top are hanging out all over.   I'm not judging a curvy, womanly body.  I'm simply saying that it is a very, very unforgiving uniform and is not for every Hooters Girl.  But in most cases, I am a crop top convert.

Now, please note that who can wear the crop top and when is to be decided by the management (or franchise owner) at any given store.  Some stores don't have the top at all.  What I mentioned above is what was decided for my store and my store only.  Check out the new crop top and make your own opinions at a Hooters near you!

The Million Dollar Question

So a lot of people search the following question in some form or another; do Hooters Girls wear underwear with their uniforms?  First off, that is so fucking creepy.  The fact that you think about this shit is quite frankly disgusting, disturbing and so wrong.  I really don't want to think about some perv imagining my state of undress beneath my nylons.  I'm already scantily clad, is it really necessary for you to go beyond that?  Is it really necessary for you to imagine my vagina against my nylons while I serve you hot wings?  No, I don't think that is necessary.  In fact, the very idea that you think about vaginas and food at the same time is bit off putting.  Yes, I realize you're a guy, but most men still have standards.  Standards that include not obsessing over the girly parts (below the belt at least) of Hooters Girls while you're eating.  Yes, I realize this is Hooters, but it's not a damn strip club and my vag is covered up.  Stop effing imagining it.  So allow me reiterate once again that I find you disgusting - just incase you couldn't deduce that on your own.

Unfortunately, my rant has now left most of you probably wondering about the underwear situation.  Fine, some Hooters Girls wear underwear and some don't.  It's a personal preference.  We do what we want in regards to our private areas.  I won't tell you what I do, because frankly the material surrounding my intimate areas is for my eyes only, and of course my boyfriend if he existed.  So stop thinking about what's under the uniform.  Case closed.  If you like vag that much go to a titty bar or find a prostitute - either way.

A Hooters Uniform Emergency

It's Saturday morning and I'm opening.  Getting to the restaurant I have a clear mission, purchase nylons and a new top.  Yes, I said purchase.  Besides my first two uniforms - one in the traditional white and orange and one black - I, just like every Hooters Girl, am required to buy any additional uniform items.  A Hooters uniform must be immaculate, not a run or a stain or faded logo.  As you can imagine, in a restaurant specializing in saucy hot wings, stains happen.  Runs are even more common.  On this particular Saturday I had a run and a faded top.  That was a quick ten dollars.

Nylons are easy.  I'm tall.  I wear the biggest size.  I know this.  I insert my four bucks into the nylon vending machine (yup, nylon vending machine) and out pop my size D nylons in "ultra tan."  Nylons in hand, I grab the manager to unlock the merchandise closet and he grabs me my usual size tank top.  Then I run to change - nylons on, shorts on, top on.  Something, however, is horribly, awfully, uncomfortably wrong.  My usually awesome fitting top is not fitting so awesome.  Rather than showing just enough cleavage and easily tucking into my shorts, the tank shows no boobage and is unbearably short.  In fact, I can hardly tuck the shirt into my shorts at all.  Looking in the mirror I note in horror that I look as if I've shoved my size C breasts into a top designed for a tween.  I am every pedophile's dream.

"Something is really wrong with this top," I say to the manager as I desperately attempt to pull it into position.  He doesn't even have to say anything; I know he agrees with me by the look on his face.  Marching back once again to the merchandise closet, I start looking through the tank tops.  The thing about Hooters tops is that are never, ever, never the same.  You could grab fifty marked the same size and each one would be a different length, width, thickness and cut.  For some unknown reason there is nothing uniform about the uniform.  Knowing this fact I wasn't concerned as I reached into the bin.  We'd just received a new shipment of tops so there had to be at least one that fit properly.  But looking through the tops I start to notice a trend.  These tops are all high-necked and short as shit.  I'm talking short enough that they all look like Hooters uniforms for little girls.  Can you say inappropriate?

Reaching deeper and deeper into the plethora of tops I start to panic a bit.  What if I can't find one that fits?  What if I am too tall for all the new, not at all improved tops?  My height curses me again as I realize that while some tops are better in the cleavage area, they are all shorter than hell.  I am sure I am effing screwed.  Then, in the very, very bottom of the bin I find the oddest thing ever: a Hooters top in a size medium.  This is like finding a white elephant.  Medium and Hooters don't go together.  In face medium is not a word I have ever heard at Hooters.  I can already tell it's far too wide, but it's long and at this point length is what I'm after.

I run to change into my last ditch effort at a top.  Thankfully, it tucks right into my shorts and shows off my cleavage just right.  Unfortunately, other than the length, the top is quite obviously too big and as such it wrinkles and gathers around my body in a less than flattering way.  I realize that I have no other choice.  I have to wear the ill-fitting top or wear a belly shirt.  I am not Sporty Spice, I don't do belly shirts.  So I rock the shit out of my wrinkles.

Don't worry.  We're getting new tops this week.  We've been guaranteed they won't look like total crap.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Decisions, Decisions

At Hooters there are days when we don't wear the customary orange and white that is synonymous with Hooters Girls.  This may include Fridays and UFC nights when we wear black, holidays like Halloween, and special events like "Are You Smarter Than A Hooters Girl?" when we, for example, wear school girl outfits.  Outfits other than the orange and black uniforms all have one thing in common, they must be approved by corporate before we are allowed to wear them.  This ensures that any outfit is still in keeping with the Hooters Girl image and that any given restaurant doesn't have too many none Hooters outfits.  After all, you go to Hooters to see Hooters Girls.

Recently, our Hooters was given a choice between two new outfits to wear on football game days.  One is a white and orange Hooters football jersey (as pictured on the left, not the jerseys on the two girls), the other is a referee inspired tank top.  Both uniforms are worn with the traditional Hooters shorts, nylons, socks, and shoes.  Rather than simply tell us to order both uniforms, management placed pictures in the dressing room with a list beneath on which to mark our choice.  Mayhem ensued.

Rather than simply placing names, people began writing pros and cons and made an "either" column until eventually the paper became such a mess than you can hardly even read it.  Of course it couldn't just be a simple decision.  This is Hooters.  Hooters is full of girls.  Girls never make anything easy.  So as of yet a decision hasn't been made, naturally.

So what are my thoughts?  I personally like the ref outfit.  Not only do I find it more flattering in design, but I think it's far more versatile.  Think about it, a ref outfit can be worn not only for football but basketball as well and I'm all about getting the most out of my uniforms when I'm constantly blowing money on nylons every freaking week.  Back to the fit, the referee uniform shows off the curves that Hooters is known for.  It shows off the boobs and the hips.  The jersey, while it is adorable, hides the boobs.  I mean, yeah, it looks great on the model in the photo, but she has huge fake tits.  They'd look good in a paper bag.  Finally, I've seen the jersey in person and as a tall girl I am very worried about the length.  I prefer to not look like I'm wearing children's clothing.  It's just a personal preference.

I'm ref all the way.  What do you think?

Wardrobe Malfunction

"Can we dance the Cotton Eyed Joe?!"

"Of course we can! Let me go drop this drink off and I'll turn the music on for us."

Dancing and Hooters are synonymous. It's just something Hooters Girls do; we serve food, we flirt shamelessly and we dance. The thing about dancing at Hooters, however, is that most girls become tired of dancing. You see, after doing the same repetitive dance about half a billion times there comes a point when most girls simply don't want to do it anymore. For some reason, even after a year of Hooters service, I still enjoy dancing. I dance with the fervor of a new girl. That's the thing, usually dancing is enjoyed my newbies who are excited about doing anything and everything Hooters; they haven't been spoiled by the repetition.

So when the question arose from one of our newer hires of course I said yes. Running over to change the music, I could see her excitedly rushing toward the middle of the floor. With the quick adjustments of a few switches Cotton Eyed Joe blared through the restaurant and I clapped my way to the middle of the floor. Not surprisingly, only the two of us stood there on the floor - new girl and old girl. Five other servers raced around us as we expectantly waited for our cue. None of them joined us.

The music dropped in and we started dancing. I should correct myself, not really dancing as much as bouncing. This is the thing about every dance at Hooters; they are incredibly bouncy. Hopefully I don't have to explain this affinity for bouncing. Lets just say that the bouncing allows certain assets to be more....noticeable. Plainly, Hooters dances have little to do with dancing and lots to with tits.

Bouncing away, the too of us smiled at the expectant eyes before us. The simple steps were completed with ease. As the song continued and we'd done the same four steps about six times, I looked over at my dancing partner. My smile faded away and was replaced by a look of shock. Smiling away, bouncing happily, there was one of our newest employees with her right breast hanging over the top of her tank. Luckily, the nude bra beneath still slightly covered her ample cleavage, but it left very, very little to the imagination.

"Your bra, your bra! We need to stop dancing right now!"

"What? Why?"

"LOOK AT YOUR BRA"

And then she looked down. A look of horror flashed across her face as she began desperately trying to adjust her top. She still hadn't stopped dancing.

"Stop dancing!" I said as I grabbed her arm and pulled her to the waitstation.

Helping her adjust her top behind the safety of a half-wall and stacks of to go boxes, we peeked out at the restaurant. Guests were snickering, point, giggling and reenacting. Everyone had noticed. Her face reddened as she dropped her head to her hands.

"Well at least they got dinner and a show," I tried to say over my own laughing.

"I do what I can!" she said as she cracked a cautious smile.

I flashed her a smirk and we both laughed as we confidently headed back to work.

Search Term Sunday: Black Uniform Hooters

Looking at the analytical data for my blog I noticed that a lot of people end up at my blog by asking questions. They'll wonder something about Hooters, type a question into Google and suddenly they find their way to Girl and Guitar. I've made light of my search terms before, but I figured I might as well start answering some of the questions on a regular basis.

Enter "Search Term Sundays". Now, every Sunday, I'll post and respond to one of the many search terms that led readers to my blog. This Sunday, we'll start with "black uniform hooters."

Black Uniform Hooters
Hooters is known for several things: wings, hot chicks, grease, owl references and the color orange. Entering a Hooters, you will be lambasted with the color orange. You'll see orange barstools, orange paint, orange menus, orange merchandise and, of course, orange shorts accompanied by white tank tops with orange logos on every hot-bodied waitress in sight.

Of course this won't be the case if you come to Hooters on a Friday because on Friday we don't wear orange; we wear black. Yes, Hooters classes it up a little, pulls all the stops and gets all fancy on Friday by making its Hooters Girls dawn black uniforms. So while every office in town is dressing it down for casual Friday, Hooters is dressing it up with black hot shorts and tanks because everyone knows that black makes anything elegant no matter how short it is. Just ask Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman." Black equals class no matter what.

As far as us Hooters Girls are concerned black can equal whatever it wants to equal but to us it simply equals marvelous. Yes, Hooters Girls love black uniforms almost as much as they love lose wallets. Black Hooters uniforms simply fit better. Add that to the fact that black is flattering as hell and you will have a restaurant full of girls thanking God it's Friday. Ask any Hooters Girl you want, but I can assure you she looks forward to Fridays (guess you don't have ask after all). Friday is king at Hooters as far as days of the week are concerned.

What about the customer? Well frankly, Fridays seem to confuse many a Hooters patron. Countless Fridays I have encountered the questions "why do you wear black?" and "don't you wear orange here?" Then I'm left to explain the whole thing and the customer ends either being more confused, not caring, or wishing they'd come either a day later or a day earlier. I apologize that I don't look like a typical Hooters Girl, but the outfit is still just as tight and just as short so suck it up because you're still getting all the ass and boobs you came for. I'm just in a better mood about my outfit so really it's better for you. This Friday is your luck day.

So now you know why we wear black. But just to confuse you a little more I'll let you know that we also wear it on "special occasions" like UFC and home games for the local college football team or whatever the hell else we randomly decide to celebrate. Also, some Hooters make girls that are training wear black so you can differentiate the inexperienced, sucky Hooters Girls from the more experienced, totally awesome Hooters Girls. Basically, black comes out when it wants to just to shake it up and make you think you may be at that other breastaurant, Winghouse.

The Uniform of a Hooters Girl

The uniform of a Hooters Girl is an interesting thing. Instantly identifiable, the uniform evokes thoughts of sex, breasts, and wings in millions of people the world over. Now when I, and countless other Hooters Girls, see the uniform sex and hot wings are probably the farthest thing from mind. Sorry to ruin the illusion that Hooters Girls are constantly thinking of enumerable ways to stroke your ego, but really we’re often worrying about how much our asses hang out or if we look fat today – this is the woe of the orange shorts.

Following is a head-to-toe rundown of the Hooters Girl uniform from the eyes of a Hooters Girl.

Tank Top: The Hooters Girl tank top is, obviously, made of Lycra. As it is super stretchy the tank top is only available in super small sizes like XS and XXS and occasionally S. But don’t let the sizes fool you; even if you’d regularly wear a medium you’ll squeeze into a top that looks like it’s made for a child – trust me, it’ll fit. Getting the oh so small top perfectly tucked into the shorts is a considerable feat that involves rolling and folding and careful placement in an effort to avoid awkward lines interrupting the awesomeness that is the orange shorts.

Shorts: Hooters distinctive orange shorts are a gift to nylon as a fabric and bring the 80s running short to a new high in the fashion world. The shorts are also available in sizes ranging from XXS to S. Now according to the Hooters Manual my butt is never to hang out of my shorts, but it will and it does pretty much constantly just as every other girl in the restaurant (you’re welcome, guys, you’re welcome). The shorts will simultaneously leave you with what I call the “mom jean ass” creating a beautiful contradiction of sexy and frightening. The mom jean ass is a direct result of having to pull the shorts up just right so you create the “smile”. A Hooters must, the smile means making your shorts higher to the sides yet lower in front – making your shorts appear to be smiling. The smile allows me to hang my ass out, have the longest looking butt ever and hide the muffin top that the uniform creates on even the thinnest of girls. And finally, of course there is the camel toe but I have a major defense against that one…

Pouch: The Hooters pouch is the ultimate camel toe defense as it conveniently hides all the embarrassing front bits. The pouch comes in both brown to be worn with the generic uniform and black for Fridays and special occasions on which we wear the all black uniform (something every Hooters Girl loves and wishes she could wear everyday). Having several pockets, the pouch will be your own portable cash register and pen/Sharpie holder. It is important to note that the pouch is to be worn to the top of the shorts with no orange showing above the band.

Nylons: If you read my blog since way back when you will know that I loathe the Hooters nylons. The nylons come in letter sizes with D being the biggest (meant for tall freaks like myself). In addition to being horribly tan, they are slightly thicker than the average nylons causing them to be fairly opaque. The nylons are also atypical in that they are footless. Now a constant debate among the Hooters Girls I know is if the nylons should be worn with or without underwear. Personally, I find it more comfortable to forgo underwear however this is personal preference. So take additional pleasure in knowing your Hooters Girl may be commando.

Socks: Any good 80s style uniform is not complete without scrunched socks. The socks are one size fits all and when not pushed down go to the knee. The scrunching of the socks is a true science as they must be even and end at the bottom of the calf. This is done to draw attention to the shape of the leg.

Shoes: Every Hooters Girl wears the same (or a variation on the same) white Sketchers. Not only do Sketchers have the right “look” but also add height with the addition of a relatively thick sole. The shoes must stay white at all times.

So basically the uniform of the Hooters Girl that you’ve all come to know and love is one big pain in the ass. Yeah, there is something to be said about being the personification of an iconic American image, but it’s not always so glamorous. It takes work to looks good and I do it like it’s my job – oh wait, it is.

My Life in Spandex

I feel like my whole life has revolved around spandex. I played volleyball on a state championship winning team in high school - the sport of all things spandex - and had some amazing pink shiny spandex that was the staple of my favorite rollerblading outfit when I was 8. My bike helmet even had these sweet spandex covers so I could change the color whenever I wanted to (which was daily because every girl knows her bike helmet simply must match her outfit).

So when I saw some pictures of the new style Hooters Girl shorts on fellow a Hooters Girl's blog I started having flashbacks of spandex gone by. The new shorts quite frankly reminded me of all that has been purely awesome in my life (even those damn helmet covers). Most notably, I am reminded of my college track uniform because - shit you not - minus the cute little slits on the sides I ran my ass off in nearly the EXACT same shorts. That's right, I ran track in some of the shortest spandex I have ever worn. And all you men thought track and field was boring! I do have to say though, as cute as I probably looked in those little maroon hot shorts they do create certain uncomfortable situations when one's primary activity is jumping into a pit full of sand - I shall spare you the details.

Needless to say I am fairly excited about the proposition of wearing something that is made of the most awesome material known to mankind. Especially considering that the current shorts are so obviously outdated. I mean I realize that the shorts are quintessentially Hooters but there is nothing flattering about an article of clothing that simultaneous lets your butt hang out while creating the longest mom-jean ass ever - they're a wardrobe oxymoron.

Long story short (haha short) I want the new shorts! Unfortunately, our store has at this point decided not to get the new shorts. One of our managers said that they'll maybe get the new ones when they run out of what is currently stocked so we should buy them up if we want the new ones. Not sure where the logic is in buying a whole bunch of something that may be obsolete in the next month, but it's certainly nice for the store's bottom (haha bottom) line. Really though I just hope we get the spandex soon because I'll feel right at home in that skintight fabric