Someone is a Graduate Student

This Hooters Girl is going to graduate school.  Yes, I was just accepted this morning and I have already spread the news like wildfire via Facebook and cellphone (which I hope will soon be an iPhone on my day of birth).  I proudly proclaim, "I am nerd!"  My brain is thirsting for knowledge and my resume is hungry for a way to get me a real job where I can wear pants - one day; grad school should do both those things nicely.

I'm now going to have a celebration because I'll use any excuse to have a good time.  Celebrations are even better when the reason is totally legitimate.

Oh and I get a new computer now which is awesome considering since my wreck a year ago the screen is slowly but surely going to shit.  Can't say I'll miss the cracks and growing black spots.

Go me!

Hands Off

Not my butt.  CREDIT.

Once upon the time - meaning Friday - a customer at Hooters went over the line.  In a moment one man went from regular ass to unbearable ass.  And all he did was touch a Hooters Girl.

Twin Tower was waiting on a table of two gentlemen who were unashamed to share their uncouth comments.  Now this might seem like something that is somewhat common at a place like Hooters, but really it's not.  I like to think this is because most people are smart enough to realize that we don't give a shit about what they say.  After all Hooters is just another sports bar when you really get down to it.  I also like to think that people are smart enough to realize that being a jerk isn't going to do a damn thing for them.  These guys were apparently not of this particular IQ level.

 So they began with their comments and while they were annoying and occasionally rude they were innocent.  Twin Tower, being a girl with a sense of humor, deftly handled their words with quick comebacks and expertly planned exits. 

Then it happened.  One of the men reached out and touched Twin Tower.  In fact, he not only touched her but put his hand inside the front of her shorts, grabbing the fabric as he pulled her toward him.  After letting him know this was inappropriate and meeting shock and disbelief, Twin Tower did what any girl would do and grabbed the manager to talk to the table.

Of course these particular gentlemen weren't the type to head the words of a manager.  They were the type to yell and make a scene and blame everything on the manager.  They said they'd never come to Hooters again and tell all their friends to do the same.  For this I would have thanked them.

After having a temper tantrum, the men noisily made their leave.  Naturally they left a messy table and no tip on their way out.

I love people.

Things Not to Tell Your Hooters Girl

Accessories sold separately

A note to Hooters guests:  If you plan on being a huge douche and tipping $1.00 on a $30 tab do me a favor and DON'T tell me that you just bought a huge flat screen at Best Buy for the big game.  Now I know you're not just cheap, but you're a cheap asshole which is so much worse.

I hope that you spent your Super Bowl Sunday with epic diarrhea brought on my indulging in too much bean dip, trapped under that 50'' TV.  I say trapped because you seem like the particular type of overcompensating individual who need to put that shit on the wall.  You also seem like the type of dumbass who wouldn't put the thing up there right.  Hope you enjoyed the game from you front row view!

To avoid this particular fate, do yourself a favor and either tip your server appropriately or don't let her know you just spent over a grand on a television.  Karma is a bitch after all.

Happy Super Bowl

I got off at four and find myself at Hooters - Dreamy wants to win a flat screen. Tomorrow more stories; today eat, drink and forget about responsibility til Monday.

P.S. Blogging from my phone is not my new favorite thing.

Hostess with Too Much Mostess

Mostess?  Mostest?  Even Google can't decide.  CREDIT.

The other day, someone brought up an interesting point on my Formspring account that I hadn't really thought about regarding Hooters.  To summarize, the situation involved a Hooters Girl coming to the table too much and basically being annoying in her Hooterificness.  The question was how do you politely let her know to go away.

Before I go into how I would handle the situation, I think it's interesting to discuss the issue itself.  Hooters prides itself on not only offering good food service, but a certain level of entertainment.  As the Hooters Girl manual lamely puts it, Hooters expects its severs to all be the "hostess with mostess."  Excuse me while I gag.  Tired clichés aside, one of the ways that Hooters expects us to entertain our guest is to speak with them often.  They encourage us to get to know our customers and - when appropriate - even sit down right there at the table with them.

Yet even with the expectation that this happens at Hooters there is still a very fine line of over serving the customer (and I'm unfortunately not talking about alcohol).  How does a Hooters Girl give that expected higher level of service without taking it to the point of annoyance? 

This is where reading your table is crucial to the role of a Hooters Girl.  Basically it's not just your job to be the hostess, but also to know when the hostess should let her guests be and mingle elsewhere.  I mean it's fairly obvious that a table full of business men at lunch needs to be helped differently than a family coming in for dinner.  I've always considered the reading of tables to be a strength of mine; which is probably why I've never even imagined the scenario or overdoing it.  What it comes down to is that not every table wants to talk to you.  Believe it or not some people really do just come to Hooters to eat.

So what do you do if your Hooters Girl - or any server for that matter - is being too chatty?  Well you suck it up and tell them.  I realize this is often easier said than done, but I certainly would want to know if I was being an annoying little bitch.  In the end I actually want you to enjoy your meal.  Not only is this because I really don't want to be irritating, but also because odds are the more I bug you the more my tip goes down.  And that, my friends, is no bueno.

Now if you don't want to up and tell your server to get the eff away from you, you can totally feel free to lie.  I'm not against white lies to avoid awkward social situations.  Feel free to tell your server you have business to discuss and would prefer privacy.  Or that you need to let your dining partner know the results of your recent STD test.  Just do so with a really solemn expression.  I'm sure that would chase her away real quick.

Here, Have a TV

I'm sure she actually plays football

So what are your big Super Bowl plans?  If you're like me, you're probably working.  If you're not like me you're probably going to have an awesome time doing awesome Super Bowl type things.  These are likely to include eating cocktail weenies, drinking adult type beverages and yelling at TVs.  I am jealous of all these.

Now if you don't have Super Bowl plans, I highly suggest you watch the game at Hooters.  This isn't because I think it's the most awesome place to watch the Bowl - I'm a home football watcher typically - this is because it's one of the few places you can watch the Bowl and leave with a flat screen TV.

EVERY Hooters in the US will be giving away a 42"LCD HDTV on Super Bowl Sunday.  And if the Hooters where you are is anything like the Hooters where I am, you need to be present to both enter and win.  Those make for pretty good odds my friends.

Super Bowl Sunday at Hooters might be sounding pretty good now.  And did I mention there is beer and fried food there?  Yup, consider your calendar marked.

I Can't Math

One of my former Hooties and all time favorites, Amber D, posted this gem on my Facebook (JOIN HERE) and I couldn't resist posting it.

Math hard! CREDIT.

Yes, this person clearly can't math.  In addition to their arithmetical deficiencies, they also can't grammar.  My guess is that they probably didn't school very well.  "I can't school at all."

It's actually pretty common for people to just write in a lower total and avoid writing in a tip.  They might suck at math, but they're still smart enough to not call themselves out on that shit.  Had this person just written in $11.00 we never would have assumed their shortcomings.  Perhaps they were in a hurry.  Perhaps they wanted to test my own math abilities.  But I certainly wouldn't assume they are a dumbass. Thanks for clearing that up for me.

And Lamebook is awesome.  Go there.

I'm a Winner

World peace!  CREDIT.

Somehow I totally forgot to mention that I am in fact a winner.  This could be due to me being such a winner all of the time that being a winner again totally slipped my mind.  I'm a permawinner.

So those of you who made it through that total crap above might remember that we had a merchandise contest at Hooters during the month of December.  As a recap, the contest basically amounted to seeing who could be the most awesome at selling shit. 

The following prizes were offered:

1.  Trip to Vegas:  free room at Hooters Hotel and $100 towards airfare
2.  Purple Hooters velour tracksuit
3.  Four Maulers tickets:  local farm hockey team full of young boys

So basically, no prize was worth winning but first place.  Unless you're really into tracksuits.  I was gunning for first.

And then I went to Europe missing eleven days of the contest.  So even though I was ahead when I left, it was pretty much a certainty that my lead wouldn't last for a third of the contest that I'd be missing.  I might be good, but not that good.

Upon my return from my fabulous Amsterdam adventure, I was greeted by the final tally posted in the back room.  There it was.  I'd finished third and had won a quartet of hockey tickets.  Lame.  What was lamer was the fact that I'd missed second by less than $100 and first by less than $400 - a margin easily made in eleven days.  I would have won.  But I'll take Europe over Vegas any day.

My competitive streak was wounded, but life went on.  It was just a contest after all.  So I kept working and forgot about it for a few days.  Soon payday rolled around and the envelope that accompanied my check quickly reminded me of the hockey tickets I hadn’t yet received.  Obviously this was the tickets.

It wasn't until hours later that I actually opened the envelope and saw not four hockey tickets, but a voucher for a free room in Vegas and a check for $100.  These were accompanied by a note saying that my hard work was being rewarded and that I too had received first prize.  Even though I hadn't actually won, it was acknowledged that I indeed would have had I had the same amount of time as everyone else.  I was totally floored.

So, kids, the moral of the story is you should always try your best because you may get the chance to go to Vegas and be a total sloppy drunk for four days and three nights.  That's what being an adult is like.