08 July 2009

Defeating the Hooters Pose

Every Hooters Girl knows how to take a picture. Photographed on a daily basis, Hooters Girls and cameras go together like mac-n-cheese, cookies and milk, wings and ranch, Bert and Ernie (please insert cliché pairing here). Just as every Hooters Girl knows how to take a picture, she knows exactly how to stand in every picture. In fact, Hooters Girls are told how to stand.

1. Stand a bit sideways, approximately 45° from front facing.
2. Bend the knee closest to front so your foot is pointed with toe on the ground, heal up.
3. Place hands on hips (please note that my example has her arms all wrong. Bad, Hooters Girl, bad!).
4. Turn your torso back towards the camera, while leaving legs at 45°.
5. Now make it sexy! Most girls will pop their hip furthest from the camera up a little and really hold the shoulders back to show off the girls.
6. Congratulations, you have nailed the signature Hooters pose.
7. Repeat…87 times a day.

So why does Hooters want every girl to stand like this? Well first off it promotes uniformity across restaurants, but mostly it makes you look pretty damn good. Of course by pretty damn good I mean skinny, which is a plus when wearing an outfit composed of the wonder fabrics Lycra and spandex. Seriously, go find a mirror and try it, I assure you that you will look thinner. Observe the magic of the Hooters Girl optical illusion!

Now that you’ve tried that out, sit back and enjoy the rest of this because if you keep doing it you will never be able to escape it. It’s like the twilight zone. Basically, the move will be so ingrained into your body that every time you see a camera your body will unknowingly force you into this pose. After reviewing your photos, you will stare in horror as you see how Hooters has invaded the privacy of your normal, non-nylon-wearing life. Damn you, Hooters pose!

What is a girl to do to combat Hootersposeitis? At our restaurant we have found the cure is to replace one dreaded photo cliché with another. We have found the prescription for this horrific disease is the most cliché photo pose of all time, the prom pose. You know, guy behind girl, awkwardly tilted heads, interlocked arms, done since the dawn of time. Yes that’s right, we have taken to imitating the awkward mannerisms of 17-year-olds in formal attire as a way to breath life back into poor, over posed bodies. Now rather than simply standing with chests held high and hands assertively placed on our hips around a guest, we force them to relieve their dreaded teenage years Hooters style.

Implemented by my closest Hooters sister, Ariel, the prom pose has taken Hooters by storm. An apparent hit with diners, the prom pose has begun appearing in countless photos. We find it’s most successful application is with acne prone, teenage boys who blush shades of red never before seen on the face of man. While it’s not for everyone, it is certainly refreshing to break the photo monotony with prom power.

So if you find yourself in a photo slump I urge you to bring the prom pose to your photo repertoire and rediscover the awesome power of forced photo poses. Perhaps next we will tackle the dreaded senior portrait.

See, told you it's been around since the dawn of time. Thank you prom pose, Hooters loves you.

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