19 November 2010

The Many Temperature Extremes of a Hooters Uniform

Sorry.  I suck.  I was all out of it and writers' blocky and then at my parents house with no internet.  Blah, blah, blah, excuses, blah, blah, like assholes, blah, blahditty, blah, blah.  Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.

It's suddenly that time of year when I'm asked about 938.67 times a day how cold I am.  The question presents itself in many different forms:
  •       "You've got to be cold right now."
  •       "Isn't it cold in that uniform?"
  •       "Don't they let you wear more in the winter?"
  •       "How are you not freezing right now?"
  •      "I bet you're freezing your ass off."

I'm sure you get the idea.  If you don't, well feel free to stop reading right about now.  Anyhooters, the simple answer to all the above questions and statements is no, I am in fact not cold.  Believe it or not while the outfit appears rather small - and it is - it's actually pretty freaking warm.  This is because Lycra, spandex and nylon are quite possibly the least breathable fabrics in the history of the world.  Second to armor of course which I imagine wasn't breathable at all.  All this limited breathability means that regardless of how small my uniform may seem I'm actually staying pretty warm.  Yes, that little uniform does not have me freezing my ass of.

What the uniform does afford however are some temperature extremes.  Simply, my legs are often hot while my arms are cold.  This is because my dreaded nylons keep my legs very warm while keeping them awkwardly tan looking.  Thanks for that.  So my legs are burning (exaggerating) and my poor bare arms are in danger of being lost to frostbite (double exaggerating).  There is no remedy for this.  It's a Hooters way of life.  Unless of course you're a Hooters that breaks conventional uniform standards and wears long-sleeved shirts in the winter.  Yes, some Hooters actually do that.  I'm going to go ahead and tell you now that you look like complete and total shit.  You're welcome.  You're even more welcome for the picture below in all it's shitty glory - it's unfortunately the best example I could steal off the Hooters Facebook page.  By the way, ladies, I apologize that you're still wearing the shorts from Hell.

I'll go ahead and just state the obvious now; the long sleeve shirt totally defeats one of the purposes of Hooters.  Do I really need to be more obvious?  Fine, the long sleeve shirts allow for no cleavage - unless your boobs miraculously start at your neck which would be freaky weird.  Even I find the lack of boobage disappointing.  Also, I think it makes chubbiness out of skinniness, which is really not an attractive look on anyone.  Not to mention the inherent oxymoron of wearing shorts and long sleeves, but that is probably another thing entirely.  Dear Hooters Girls, man up and avoid the long sleeve crap at all costs.  Trust me on this one.

I'm happy being half hot and half cold.  Besides, after two years you get used to that shit. 


  1. I've always thought that was kinda silly--I mean, you *are* inside, with heating and all that. It's not like you're wearing the uniform outdoors in a blizzard or anything.

  2. I was in my high school drill team and we wore tights very similar to the Hooters tights. They are, indeed, warm! That's why I've never asked a Hooters girl if they're freezing during the winter...though I've suffered through listening to other people ask. If those people are in my party, I jump in to say how toasty they are, without explanation. It usually shuts them up because they're left wondering why I would know. ;)



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