14 December 2011

The Hunt for the Perfect Table

Pick a table, any table.  CREDIT.
Believe it or not, when your waiter or waitress asks you if you have a seating preference they actually do give a shit.  Contrary to what is apparently popular belief, I do not ask this question for my own health or amusement.  If you want a booth, I want you to have a booth.  That’s how much I care.

On the other hand, if you don’t have a preference that’s fine as well.  I have no problem choosing for you.  Odds are when this happens I’ll automatically take you to my section.  Or I’ll be nice and seat my coworkers so we can keep an even rotation.  However if you do – like I said – want a booth and I don’t have booths in my section I won’t force you to sit at a high table.

What I really don’t like is when you tell me you don’t care when in fact you do.  Generally these situations happen a little something like this:

Sauce:  “Do you have a preference where you’d care to sit today: booth, high table, bar?”

Customer:  “Oh we really don’t care.  Wherever works.”

So I do what the customer says and take them “wherever.”  This involves arbitrarily choosing a table just because I effing feel like it.

Customer:  “Um, no.  Not this table.”

Sauce:  “Alright, well how about this one over here then?  Will this work better for you?”

Customer:  “No, I think that one.  We’d really like a booth.”

Bitch, please.  Did I not give you a choice?  Yes, Yes I did.  And believe it or not I actually did so on purpose.  I wanted you to sit where you wanted to sit.  Call me crazy, but that just seems polite.  Now don’t waste my time taking me on an exploratory journey through the land of open tables.  I am not Lewis.  You are not Clark.  This is not the freaking Louisiana Purchase.  This is Hooters and I want you to sit your ass down, be happy about it, stuff your face and tip me for the privilege of it all.

Here’s the thing, your server actually has other stuff to do besides go on wild goose chases for a table you said you didn’t care about.  If you know what you want by all means go ahead and tell me and save us all a little bit of time.  As much as I’d like to be a mind reader, it’s a skill I thus far fail to possess.  Can I put on that on my Christmas list?

Dear Santa,
I’d really like the following things for Christmas:
The ability to the read minds of needy customers
20% or more tippers
Nylons that don’t run
Rent that pays itself
A kitten

I don’t think that’s too much to ask for. 


  1. OMG! Totally with you on this one Sauce! I ask customers the same thing and then they make faces or ask for a specific table. I had a customer yell at me for being inconsiderate (when I asked where he'd like to sit twice!)
    My biggest pet peeve is when you sit people and they take it upon themselves to switch tables after ordering! Enough of my ranting but long story short, I can relate. lol

  2. Heh. Yeah. As someone who answers the phones in a call center, I have no problems at all believing stuff like that. No, it doesn't make any sense to me, either.

  3. I was taking 2 guests to a table today and when I went to seat them they stopped and said, "Could we have that table?" I didn't really care until I looked up and realized that the table they were looking at had menus and full drinks. The guests had excused themselves to go to the bathroom. I tried to explain to him that someone was already seated at that table and his response was "wherever is fine then."



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