The Internet Freaks Me Out

The other day as I randomly pursuing the Internet looking for Hooters shit because I have no life want to make this blog more interesting, it suddenly dawned on me that I am probably all over the effing Google Machine.  I came to this realization because I started to actually pay attention to the trillion pictures of random Hooters Girls that come up when you search "Hooters Girl."  I've searched this literally a thousand times.  In fact, I bet Google and the government are probably concerned with just how much I search those very words.  Don't worry, Internet Police, I'm a blogger - not a creep.  Promise.

So there I am looking at all these pictures of pretty girls from around the world when I suddenly think about just how many of these pictures could feature me.  Now, I'll say for the record that I haven't come across any random photos of me.  To be honest that would freak the shit right out of me.  I'm fine being in 1,932 radome Facebook albums as long as I don't come across a one of them.  Yes, Hooters may be "relatively famous" and as  Hooters Girl I may just be part of that - but this is a part of my relative fame I would rather choose to ignore.  And here is why.

In this picture the girls look nice.  Yay, we're pretty and pretend to like douches who don't know how to use buttons yet!  Tolerable.

But what if my eyes are closed?  No one looks good when their eyes are closed.  This is automatic grounds for a picture retake.  No exceptions.  But maybe Jim Bob's cousin Bobby Ray doesn't know this crucial rule?  Or what if my ass is hanging out of my ill-fitting old-style Hooters shorts in a completely unflattering way that makes my backside look eighteen feet long?  That would be most unforgivable.

Or what if I'm making some weird face?  Now, I have plenty of weird faces overflowing each and every one of my Facebook albums.  Actually I am the queen of weird face.  It's my trademark and I'm not ashamed.  But I like having the power of untagging pictures where weird face doesn't intersect pretty face.  Yes, you can indeed have both at once.  There is a vast difference between pretty weird face and ugly weird face.  (On an unrelated note, please observe how much cuter the shorts are these days.  Thanks, Hooters, we all owe you one.)

But worst of all, what if someone has posted a picture of my bum.  Yes, I work at Hooters and said bum is on display all the time.  I am clearly fine with this, but a picture of a walking butt isn't all that great if you ask me.  Especially if my shorts are being eaten by my ass.

I wish I could go back to ignorant bliss.