The Big Boob Lie

When you workout a lot and eat right, one of the results is generally losing body fat.  Now most people would agree that losing body fat is a good thing in most circumstances.  And I would totally agree.  And while it's really nice to have hard work pay off, all that gym time does have one rather unfortunate side effect; your boobs go to.

This isn't rocket science, breasts are composed of fatty tissue and if you're going to lose fat in the rest of your body it's a pretty sure thing that the fat in your chest is going to follow suit.  It's sad but true.  You're working out and watching what you eat and one day you look down and see abs - and no boobs above them.  It's a trade-off.  I gave up my full Cs for small Bs.  But did I mention my hot stomach?

Now for many people this doesn't really matter.  You breasts are smaller, but it's really not that big of a deal.  Of course most people don't work at Hooters.  And lets not pretend that boobs don't matter at Hooters.  Tits effing matter at Hooters.

Luckily, every Hooters Girl knows a plethora of tricks for creating the illusion of cleavage.  And no I'm not talking about augmentation.  That's the obvious one.  Beyond surgery, there a number of tricks that Hooters Girls - and probably women in generally - employ to make their breasts appear larger.  After three years of working at Hooters and closely guarding these secrets, I am coming clean and telling you all the truth.  Welcome to your first lesson in breast augmentation - no toilet paper or silicone required.

Normal Boobs

Itty-Bitty-Titty Committee

Observe the girls in a normal, everyday T-shirt bra.  This is what I look like in my real life.  Yes, my boobs look small because they are indeed small.  In the real world I am totally unashamed of this fact.  Having small breasts allows me to wear all sorts of fun shirts and even go braless if my outfit requires it.  Plus they don't hit me in the face or cause back pain when I run.  I'd say that in most cases that's a win.  Hooters doesn't fall into the "win" column.



Push-up Bra Boobs

Only a little real.

Welcome to the whole reason that Victoria's Secret exists.  Every woman in the world owns AT LEAST one push-up bra.  Hippies are of course excluded from that statistic.  Most push-up bras will increase breast size from one to two cup sizes by the aid of various forms of padding.  Padding can consist of anything from gels to water.  Hell we'd probably wear a bra made of rocks if it gave us perfect decollate.  We're women it's what we do.  The picture to the right is me in a "Bombshell" type bra.  The Bombshell is Victoria's Secret's amazing creation that adds two cup-sizes.  It's the biggest lie ever.  Now I say Bombshell type because I am cheap and got the same bra at Target for a third of the price.  Go Target!  This is my usual Hooters attire.



Chicken Cutlet Boobs

Good eatin'!

No, I am not condoning stuffing your bra with poultry.  That would just make a mess and attract crows.  Chicken cutlets are silicone padding specifically made to insert into bras.  The name is derived from the fact that the shape and feel holds a striking resemblance to chicken breasts.  This effect is only increased when they make they are skin-colored.  Sorry, this girl doesn't own cutlets.  Mostly this is because they cost around $50 for a ice pair.  Plus they tend to make you sweat and end up smelling like ass.  And smelling like ass is always sexy.



Double Bra Boobs

Awkward bulges are not attractive.

This is exactly what it sounds like.  Some Hooters Girls will go so far as to wear two bras to increase their cleavage.  Not only is this usually extremely uncomfortable, but also tends to look really unnatural.  I say this because it gives the breast a very bottom heavy appearance owing to the fact that you have added about 18 pounds of padding to your breasts - not to mention all that underwire and straps and hooks.  All that stuff is just waiting to cause all sorts of awkward lines that don't belong anywhere near a nice set of boobies.  I condone the double bra under no circumstances.  You're welcome for the picture.  My boobs are ashamed.



Bronzer Boobs

Real life airbrushing!

I am a huge fan of using bronzer to contour all sorts of body parts.  Yes, you can use bronzer on your boobs to great effect.  Basically you get a nice dark bronzer - eyeshadow will work in a pinch - and brush that shit all inside your cleavage.  Next, you get all excited and shadow the top, round bits of your breasts.  Suddenly you start to get that totally unnatural, but totally fabulous top roundness that is generally only achievable with either surgery or absolutely perfect genetics.  You can think of it as reality PhotoShop.  It's a simple trick, but easily one of the better ones.


And the magician has revealed a few of the secrets.  I'm fully prepared for a Hooters Girl issued hit on my life.  Sorry, girls, the secret was going to get out someday.