23 August 2011

The Big Boob Lie

When you workout a lot and eat right, one of the results is generally losing body fat.  Now most people would agree that losing body fat is a good thing in most circumstances.  And I would totally agree.  And while it's really nice to have hard work pay off, all that gym time does have one rather unfortunate side effect; your boobs go to.

This isn't rocket science, breasts are composed of fatty tissue and if you're going to lose fat in the rest of your body it's a pretty sure thing that the fat in your chest is going to follow suit.  It's sad but true.  You're working out and watching what you eat and one day you look down and see abs - and no boobs above them.  It's a trade-off.  I gave up my full Cs for small Bs.  But did I mention my hot stomach?

Now for many people this doesn't really matter.  You breasts are smaller, but it's really not that big of a deal.  Of course most people don't work at Hooters.  And lets not pretend that boobs don't matter at Hooters.  Tits effing matter at Hooters.

Luckily, every Hooters Girl knows a plethora of tricks for creating the illusion of cleavage.  And no I'm not talking about augmentation.  That's the obvious one.  Beyond surgery, there a number of tricks that Hooters Girls - and probably women in generally - employ to make their breasts appear larger.  After three years of working at Hooters and closely guarding these secrets, I am coming clean and telling you all the truth.  Welcome to your first lesson in breast augmentation - no toilet paper or silicone required.

Normal Boobs
Itty-Bitty-Titty Committee
Observe the girls in a normal, everyday T-shirt bra.  This is what I look like in my real life.  Yes, my boobs look small because they are indeed small.  In the real world I am totally unashamed of this fact.  Having small breasts allows me to wear all sorts of fun shirts and even go braless if my outfit requires it.  Plus they don't hit me in the face or cause back pain when I run.  I'd say that in most cases that's a win.  Hooters doesn't fall into the "win" column.

Push-up Bra Boobs
Only a little real.
Welcome to the whole reason that Victoria's Secret exists.  Every woman in the world owns AT LEAST one push-up bra.  Hippies are of course excluded from that statistic.  Most push-up bras will increase breast size from one to two cup sizes by the aid of various forms of padding.  Padding can consist of anything from gels to water.  Hell we'd probably wear a bra made of rocks if it gave us perfect decollate.  We're women it's what we do.  The picture to the right is me in a "Bombshell" type bra.  The Bombshell is Victoria's Secret's amazing creation that adds two cup-sizes.  It's the biggest lie ever.  Now I say Bombshell type because I am cheap and got the same bra at Target for a third of the price.  Go Target!  This is my usual Hooters attire.

Chicken Cutlet Boobs
Good eatin'!
No, I am not condoning stuffing your bra with poultry.  That would just make a mess and attract crows.  Chicken cutlets are silicone padding specifically made to insert into bras.  The name is derived from the fact that the shape and feel holds a striking resemblance to chicken breasts.  This effect is only increased when they make they are skin-colored.  Sorry, this girl doesn't own cutlets.  Mostly this is because they cost around $50 for a ice pair.  Plus they tend to make you sweat and end up smelling like ass.  And smelling like ass is always sexy.

Double Bra Boobs
Awkward bulges are not attractive.
This is exactly what it sounds like.  Some Hooters Girls will go so far as to wear two bras to increase their cleavage.  Not only is this usually extremely uncomfortable, but also tends to look really unnatural.  I say this because it gives the breast a very bottom heavy appearance owing to the fact that you have added about 18 pounds of padding to your breasts - not to mention all that underwire and straps and hooks.  All that stuff is just waiting to cause all sorts of awkward lines that don't belong anywhere near a nice set of boobies.  I condone the double bra under no circumstances.  You're welcome for the picture.  My boobs are ashamed.

Bronzer Boobs
Real life airbrushing!
I am a huge fan of using bronzer to contour all sorts of body parts.  Yes, you can use bronzer on your boobs to great effect.  Basically you get a nice dark bronzer - eyeshadow will work in a pinch - and brush that shit all inside your cleavage.  Next, you get all excited and shadow the top, round bits of your breasts.  Suddenly you start to get that totally unnatural, but totally fabulous top roundness that is generally only achievable with either surgery or absolutely perfect genetics.  You can think of it as reality PhotoShop.  It's a simple trick, but easily one of the better ones.

And the magician has revealed a few of the secrets.  I'm fully prepared for a Hooters Girl issued hit on my life.  Sorry, girls, the secret was going to get out someday.


  1. I've actually given this a bit of thought over the years--I think I prefer the pushup bra method. Though I'm more of a butt man, myself--a nice ass will cause me to ignore imperfections in other areas.

  2. The double bra can actually work alright, just depends on what you're wearing over it. In certain outfits, I would recommend it, relatively speaking. There are other tricks as well.

  3. So true, this is but a sampling of the most popular methods.

  4. I love the Bombshell bra! :) I have smallish bosoms (32c), but the lyrca squishes them down into non-existence in anything but the heavily padded bras. I find I can't use my cutlets with that particular bra, though... it's already colossally padded enough! :) What I like about the crop top is that it doesn't squish the girls in so much, haha!

  5. Also, I have to add... those bronzer boobs look amazing. :) I'm so pale, though! I wonder if I can shade with a tone of powder one or two shades darker than my skin? Bronzer is probably too much for pasty ol' me. :)

  6. Zelbess, anything that is darker than your skin tone should work just fine. Even if you found an eyeshadow a bit darker than your skin you'd probably be fine (just make sure to get one that is more matte). I swear by the bronzer trick!

  7. The biggest BOOB ever on your web site is shawna the maid who shows up at Hooters restaurants dressed as a french maid. He has all you girls fooled the story he tells about himself to you all is a BIG LIE !! He made up the whole story so he could get away with wearing womans clothing and his last girlfriend name is not Ava. So to all you hooter fans the joke is on you!!!

  8. Hey Sauce!! How do you keep the bronzer off your clothes??

  9. Unfortunately the only real answer for keeping the bronzer off your clothes - especially a white Hooters top - is very carefully. Of course the more accurate and true answer is that you don't. I've found the easiest thing to do is to try to get as little on as possible and then attack the bronzer afterward with a tide to go pen or some soda water.

  10. Great Bra! Has great support with out too much padding but with uplift! Love it! The cups are a bit smaller than regular C cups so keep this in mind. when sizing..but playtex 18 hour bra is a great bra!



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