Hold the Veggies

Sometimes as soon as I answer the phone at work it’s obvious that the person at the other end of the line wants to complain.  Take yesterday for example, the phone rang, I answered and was abruptly greeted.

“Can I speak to the restaurant manager, PLEASE?”

He said please in that way that doesn’t mean please at all.  It was one of those pleases that really says, “I’m being a total dick here and have no effing clue what it means to be polite.”  It was a complaint please and I knew it immediately.

“B, there is a phone call for you and you better put on your manager game face because it sounds like the guy is calling to complain.”

And that’s all it took.  I watched Manager B march to the office like a determined soldier heading to the front lines.  Manager B might be one of the nicest guys ever, but when business needs to be done he handles shit.  I once watched the guy get punched in the face by an inebriated UFC fan and then lean in and ask for a real hit.  If anyone can handle a complaint it’s Manager B.

It turns out I was right.  We had a complainer on our hands.  His complaint went something like this:

The day before, the caller had ordered three plain Double D burgers to-go.  Now for those of you who are not Hooters menu aficionados, the Double D is a two-patty monster that weighs in at one pound of delicious beef.  In a word the Double D screams AMERICA!

Aren't those vegetables offensive?

So he got his plain Double D burgers as he ordered them.  Only the kitchen had the audacity to put lettuce, onion and tomato ON THE SIDE of the burgers.  Heaven for effing bid.  While his burgers were plain, they came with veggies on the side.  Apparently this was the cause of the end of the world.  And apparently this meant he needed his money back.

Now, I didn’t take the order, but it seems to me that he probably asked for plain burgers and that’s exactly what he got.  Odds are he wasn’t specific enough to relay his complete and utter disdain for all things healthful because had he made that known no vegetables would even look at his greasy beef.  But of course we are meant to be mind readers.  Everyone knows that’s a crucial part of any server’s training.

And that is before we look at the fact that this man is utterly ridiculous.  You’re going to freak out over a few vegetables that aren’t even ON your damn burger?  Forgive us for even implying a bit of health to accompany your bagillion calorie gut bombs.  We are so fucking offensive.

Allow me to teach you a trick.  Grab that burger with two – probably not washed – hands.  Now pick that baby up and remove it from the box.  Holy shit, that is a plain burger!   Is that some magic or what?  I know, I even impress myself sometimes.

No, you cannot have your money back.

Note: Before you “he might be allergic” people jump on the ol’ comments bandwagon, don’t you think he would have made that known when ordering if that was the case?  Also, it would totally unrealistic to say that three people (assuming he was sharing) are all allergic to several varieties of vegetables.  This man was just picky and cheap.  And afraid of vegetables.