15 August 2011

Hold the Veggies

Sometimes as soon as I answer the phone at work it’s obvious that the person at the other end of the line wants to complain.  Take yesterday for example, the phone rang, I answered and was abruptly greeted.

“Can I speak to the restaurant manager, PLEASE?”

He said please in that way that doesn’t mean please at all.  It was one of those pleases that really says, “I’m being a total dick here and have no effing clue what it means to be polite.”  It was a complaint please and I knew it immediately.

“B, there is a phone call for you and you better put on your manager game face because it sounds like the guy is calling to complain.”

And that’s all it took.  I watched Manager B march to the office like a determined soldier heading to the front lines.  Manager B might be one of the nicest guys ever, but when business needs to be done he handles shit.  I once watched the guy get punched in the face by an inebriated UFC fan and then lean in and ask for a real hit.  If anyone can handle a complaint it’s Manager B.

It turns out I was right.  We had a complainer on our hands.  His complaint went something like this:

The day before, the caller had ordered three plain Double D burgers to-go.  Now for those of you who are not Hooters menu aficionados, the Double D is a two-patty monster that weighs in at one pound of delicious beef.  In a word the Double D screams AMERICA!

#Prague #Hooters #Burger #Beans
Aren't those vegetables offensive?
So he got his plain Double D burgers as he ordered them.  Only the kitchen had the audacity to put lettuce, onion and tomato ON THE SIDE of the burgers.  Heaven for effing bid.  While his burgers were plain, they came with veggies on the side.  Apparently this was the cause of the end of the world.  And apparently this meant he needed his money back.

Now, I didn’t take the order, but it seems to me that he probably asked for plain burgers and that’s exactly what he got.  Odds are he wasn’t specific enough to relay his complete and utter disdain for all things healthful because had he made that known no vegetables would even look at his greasy beef.  But of course we are meant to be mind readers.  Everyone knows that’s a crucial part of any server’s training.

And that is before we look at the fact that this man is utterly ridiculous.  You’re going to freak out over a few vegetables that aren’t even ON your damn burger?  Forgive us for even implying a bit of health to accompany your bagillion calorie gut bombs.  We are so fucking offensive.

Allow me to teach you a trick.  Grab that burger with two – probably not washed – hands.  Now pick that baby up and remove it from the box.  Holy shit, that is a plain burger!   Is that some magic or what?  I know, I even impress myself sometimes.

No, you cannot have your money back.

Note: Before you “he might be allergic” people jump on the ol’ comments bandwagon, don’t you think he would have made that known when ordering if that was the case?  Also, it would totally unrealistic to say that three people (assuming he was sharing) are all allergic to several varieties of vegetables.  This man was just picky and cheap.  And afraid of vegetables.


  1. We had a total bitch flip out over a pickle in her ToGo order a while back. She never said she didn't want a pickle. The menu states clearly that her order came with a pickle on the side. She gets a pickle, wraps in up in a napkin like a picky little girl, and charges into the ToGo bubble, and screams at the ToGo girl 'DO YOU LIKE PICKLES.' The girl (sweetest person in the world) looks out of the corner of her eye, and mutters 'um, yes...'. The lady burst into tears and said 'well, then, you just wouldn't understand.'

    I swear, people who don't work in the biz probably think servers make this shit up. Of course, I work in a spineless, the custumer is always right org. So, instead of acknowledging that the woman was an irrational baby, the GM acts like the policy was the problem. Now, we have to clearly ask people if they want a pickle on the side for their orders.

  2. Oh dear lord, some people just live to complain! Clearly has nothing else in his empty life that he has to phone and complain about a few greens. Indeed, those of us in the service industry are all mindreaders, it's an obvious requirement.

  3. Oh god, I have had such To-Go nightmares at Hooters! This lady comes in and orders the most complex side ceasar salad ever. Her demands? No croutons. Only white, crisp lettuce. Cheese on the side, along with extra white cheddar on the side. Dressing on the side. Extra bleu cheese dressing on the side. A side of fry seasoning (?!) and Bentley sauce (on the side, of course). What the hell?!

    So, I bring her to go order, and she checks through it. Suddenly, she is utterly aghast. "Wait, this cheese on the side... it's not the same cheese that normally comes on the salad!"

    "Well ma'am, you asked for white cheddar, and the salad comes with parmesan."

    ...And she proceeds to flip her lid, saying, "Well, you should have known what I meant! Who would order cheddar with a Caesar salad?! My god!"

    ...How about the same lady who thinks her salad needs Bentley and Fry seasoning?!donsor

  4. I work with someone like that. She is incredibly picky and has all these things she doesn't want on her food, but she won't tell her server about it when she orders. So she winds up sending her meal back three or four times, and copping an attitude with her server because the poor guy or gal couldn't read her mind. Drives me nuts. It's embarrassing as hell.

  5. How dare they try to screw up this man's pound of meat by placing vegetables near it. Don't they know that nutrients are contagious and can be transmitted through the the sheer placement of veggies near a burger. It's a huge problem, like the swine flu, but worse.

    On a serious note, I hope this douchenozzle gets scurvy.

  6. I just have one question: He ordered THREE one-pound burgers? All for himself? This guy has a much bigger problem than having (horrors!) some vegetables touch his precious burgers.

    To borrow a phrase from the late Gene Rayburn, this guy was being a total [BLANK] bag.

  7. From my research, I see that there is only one Hooters in the great state of Montana, and you work at it. I find it more than a little amazing that anyone would do or say anything stupid at your Hooters. Do they not realize that Really Stupid Behavior on their part is likely to become a Very Entertaining Entry on this blog?

  8. Janus, the burgers were not all for him. Making his complaint all the more ridiculous. I think it's safe to say that he was just trying to get stuff for free.

  9. Definitely trying to get free stuff. As a server, that shit pisses me off.



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