When Hot isn't Hot

I don’t like giving people suggestions when it comes to ordering.  It’s not that I don’t have my menu favorites – Hooters Cobb, chicken tossed in hot sauce or Training Burgers with American cheese and LOTS of jalapeños – it’s that what I like doesn’t necessarily correlate to what you’d like.  This is why when asked what I’d suggest I generally give some bullshit answer that makes sure to include several items that serve as a pretty good cross-section of the menu; you get your suggestions, but still have to rely on personal preference to choose between several offerings.  The last thing I want to do is suggest something I love only to have you not enjoy your meal because it doesn’t suit your tastes.  That’s just not good for either of us.

Enjoy your wings, asshat!

The one exception to my aversion to offering menu suggestions occurs when people order wings.  I will ALWAYS offer my suggestions in this area because in all honestly Hooters basic buffalo sauces aren’t nearly as hot as they are billed.  As I like to put it, our hot is more of a medium, our medium is basically mild and mild is pretty much nonexistent.  And that is not an exaggeration.  For some reason Hooters has “dumbed-down” sauces.  It’s just the way it is.

Knowing that our sauces are milder than their names, I always suggest people order one sauce up from the one they think they want when choosing from our basics.  I relay the fact that our buffalo sauces are butter based and that the spice very gradually increases as you go up the scale while the butter decreases.  And though I’ve had many people be skeptical, most people follow my advice and step their ordering up.  In nearly three years of suggesting this, not one person has said I was wrong.  In fact, most people have thanked me for the advice.

Then there are the people who don’t listen.  They order the stupid mild – which is a lot more butter than spice – and then complain that their wings weren’t sauced.  At this point I’ll do my best to once again explain that the sauces are butter based which means that they melt when paired with the hot, fried wings.  And since mild is so butter heavy it seemingly all but disappears to a lot of people.  I will then offer to grab them a side of the hotter sauce – which I had offered them in the first place.

And some people will be happy with this.  And of course some won’t.  Some people will spend the rest of their Hooters’ experience hating the absolute shit out of me because they are chowing down on some wings that aren’t what they expected.  They will totally forget what I suggested and instead think I’m horrible at my job.  All over some stupid wings. 

Meanwhile, I will think you’re a complete and total asshole who had every chance to have some really awesome wings.  I will think that you should have listened to the girl who has spent 30+ at Hooters every week for the past three effing years.  I don’t just make shit up, people.  I am a Hooters expert.  It’s not my fault you didn’t listen to me.  It’s also not may fault that you’re a stubborn prick.

So next time your waitress offers you a suggestion, remember that she probably knows what’s she’s talking about.  Odds are she is not out to get you and simply wants you to actually enjoy your meal.  It might be hard to believe, but I want you to like what you’re eating.  After all if you hate it you’ll tip me like shit – even though it will be no fault of my own.  Don’t even get me started on that shit.