Hooters Knocks One Out of the Park

Hooters has a softball team and as you may recall I said that we'd probably be epically crappy. Well low and behold we actually won our first game. That's right, a field full of Hooters Girls and fry cooks unleashed utter domination on the diamond last night (ok fine, we only won by one point but still).

A little background before the play-by-play. Our Hooters softball team plays in a co-ed city softball league. There are three divisions B, C, and D (don't ask me what happened to A because I have been wondering the same damn thing) with B being highly competitive and D being mostly about fun - and drinking. Obviously, we signed up for D but by some administrative error we ended up being placed in C; needless to say we thought we were marching to our softball deaths.

Most of us girls have never played softball, in fact only one had played softball in high school and another wasn't sure if she'd played in middle school or not. Long story short, we were prepared to suck. First inning and we're up to bat and suddenly we realize that some of these girls can actually hit. Heck we're getting on base, we're stealing, we're, even against all odds, scoring!

In addition to the fact that we had some impressive skills on the field, we were also the best damn cheering section I've ever seen whether we were on the field or in the dugout. It was like we were all some amazing cheerleader softball hybrid of awesome. This is not surprising when you consider that Hooters Girl is a job title that requires you to be annoyingly loud and obnoxious on a regular basis - which I must say I love. The best part of all this is that the other team HATED it. Sorry to get in your heads, A&P Auto Repair!

Now I don't want you to be led to believe that it was all a show of amazing athleticism, domination, and grace. Our very own Miss Hooters Montana did stand directly on home plate before being directed by the umpire that you had to stand next to it to hit, at which point she somehow ended up standing behind it (good try, honey). We also had a couple of those cliche girls that are scared of the ball but we're working on that for next week. And luckily, there was only one injury which occurred when one of our graceful cooks dove for a ball in center field resulting in an inch long gash above his eyebrow that required stitches (good thing the fields are conveniently located across from a hospital!).

So to recap we don't suck at softball, we look amazing doing it, and we won our first game 13-12 - we will be working on fielding. Hooters is 1-0, baby.

Journalism at its Finest

The following articles appeared this week in The Hellgate Lance, a local high school newspaper:

Battle of the sexes: HOOTERS
"Hooters girls, a.k.a. hookers, make prostitution legal. I have only been to Hooters once but everyone knows that women there dress in booty shorts and tight shirts just to show their rack. They prance around the restaurant getting undeserved attention from the males for their bodily features and sexual ditsy moves.

The whole idea of serving alcohol and half-dressed girls trying to get noticed sounds a lot like a lap-dance club where a stripper belongs, not a family restaurant. Might as well start putting tips in the clothes and not on the tables because the tips aren't for the food but for the sexual stunts pulled by these ladies.

Hooter women not only serve the food but have heated contest which include wet T-shirts and swim suits. Billboards advertise the Hooter woman of the year and what the average Hooter girl looks like (blonde hair and a big chest.) There are shirts and other items available to buy that have lines such as "hooter chicks dig my ride" that are available in sizes for people who are three years old!

The focus of Hooters is not on the food but on the waitresses. It is possible to get the same food cheaper at other restaurants so sex appeal is added to the mix to make the moolah.
This is the start of an industry of sexual behavior."
-Dani Tarbert ASST. News editor



"I'm just going to put this out there; hot wings taste like stale nacho cheese Doritos soaked in ammonium. Now that that's over with, here's my masculine perspective on the matter: I would find eating at Hooters a little awkward, especially being in a relationship at the moment. I mean, yes, I'm a guy therefore expected to love staring at huge breasts. And I suppose I do. That being said, I've never understood the appeal of such things. After all, if you're really so horny, isn't there enough free porn on the internet? Not that I keep track, but my friend's brother puts it, "rule number #1 of the internet; if you can think of it, it exists." I find the whole idea of Hooters distasteful.

On the other hand, people have a right to do what the want, and contrary to popular belief, exposure to sexual images-even, get this, before they're 18- isn't going to kill anyone. 4 out of 5 people lose their virginity by the time they graduate. 4 out of 5 people aren't crazed sexhounds; therefore, it's no great stretch to say that Hooters, while maybe not family-friendly, isn't corrupting anyone's mind, whatever puritan BS neoconservatives want us to believe.
Still, while I don't think it's a millionth as important as some make it, I will never eat at Hooters unless forced to. Whatever the official statement, the waitresses ARE essentially soft-core strippers. I doubt I'm missing much.

As for everyone else...well, if you can stick with that internet porn, you can eat better food."
-Kevin Rouse ASST. News Editor


Thank you Dani and Kevin for pointing out yet another shortcoming of the American education system! Apparently, high school journalism advisers aren't teaching kids the "Five W's" anymore but rather saying, "hey guys here's a computer, pull some shit out of your asses and we'll call it a newspaper!"

Whatever happened to actually learning the facts about something and reporting it? Whatever happened to being informed? I mean I get that most high school newspapers suck, but that doesn't mean it's ok to print something that is entirely demeaning to a group of decent, hardworking women you've never even met.

Now I realize these are both meant to be opinion pieces (though they were not printed on the opinion page but rather a "news" page) but last time I checked opinion was meant to be based on valid personal experiences not assumptions, rumor, and hearsay. It seems that while Dani has been to Hooters once and Kevin not at all, they are both experts on the subject of this "lap-dance club" (thanks Dani for that 1950s terminology, when you're 18 you'll learn that it's called a strip club and that in certain states of inebriation it can be wildly entertaining...just trust me on this one).

Now I could go on for hours pointing out the multiple inaccuracies of both of these pieces (um, wet t-shirt contests, sorry but no) but they point out themselves. Besides, that's not really the point. The point is that it's utterly disappointing that this is the sort of crap journalism that is being taught today. I'm all for opinion and choice and individuality, what I am not for is unintelligent, biased opinion and especially unintelligent, biased opinion that is thoughtlessly printed.

I would like to personally invite Dani and Kevin to Hooters. I'll be sure keep the "prostitution" to a minimum for Dani and Kevin, bring your girlfriend, we can discuss the contradiction that is "soft-core stripping". While you're here, I'm sure one of our Hooters Girls who is a student at the University of Montana School of Journalism could help you burn edit your next article. Just come in, try it out, form a real, informed opinion, and then if you decide to write about it fine. But please, leave your assumptions at the door because I guarantee I'll prove them wrong.

IHOP

"If a girl with big boobs works at Hooters, then where does a girl with one leg work?"

IHOP

Our Hooters is located directly behind an IHOP and I literally hear this joke about 97 times a day. Let me pretend like it's the most original thing I've ever heard. Let me also pretend that it's funny so I can giggle and inflate your ego for a few seconds. Really though, you should probably never use that joke again even though I'm sure you tell it to every Hooters Girl who serves you.

Our Hooters is also located across from the street from a Jiffy Lube. If you can come up with a joke involving Hooters, IHOP, AND Jiffy Lube then I will be impressed. You work on that homework and come back in and see me.

Step Two: Make the Finals

Sunday marked round one of the Colgate Country Showdown. If you've been reading along you probably already know that I was selected as one of 15 preliminary competitors for the Showdown after submitting a demo tape to my local radio station - you can read about all that here and here.

So what took place during the prelims? Well first off I was selected to go first - awesome. At 1:oo p.m I was the first competitor to take the stage with my cowboy boots, guitar, and well planned out "contemporary country" outfit. Strangely I wasn't nervous as I moved through my three song set which included two covers and an original song. I had contemplated doing all originals but at the last minute decided to throw the covers in and in doing so made probably one of the best decisions I could have.

While the Colgate Country Showdown is an all-around talent competition that focuses on overall musicality and marketabililty with the vocals only counting for one part of the score, it became incredibly apparently that these judges were looking at it much differently. They were looking for the dreaded, cliche, played out "karaoke queen" What is a karaoke queen? She's that girl with a fairly good voice that perfectly mimics every nuiance and run of the original artist without injecting any personality and real talent into her performance. And I have a sinking suspision after seeing the eight finals selections that that is what the judges at this competition may want.

There were two girls in particular that while they had nice voices should never have been chosen over the true-blue, Montana rancher that was one of the best songwriters I have ever heard or the sweet newlywed who wrote a song for his wife. I was the only girl with a guitar in the competition and while I was told that my original was "radio ready" (best compliment ever), I don't think they want a girl with a guitar.

I can belt with the best of them but should I put down my guitar and sellout to make it to state? I don't think so. So In two weeks when I take the stage again I'll bring my guitar with me whether that's a wise decision or not because I know that it's me and it's real talent. And if I don't make it, well there's another local 100 miles down the road in four weeks - maybe those judges will be looking for a whole package and maybe I can be that whole package.

For Love of Ranch Dressing

Hooters is not an eatery one is generally meant to visit if they are at all health conscious. Yes, Hooters has its healthy options and the menu even has a cute little doctor owl who will let you know that a salad is a nice healthy choice (he won't tell you that you have to get without all the yummy things like dressing and cheese). Really though, as a restaurant where a good 75% of the menu options are fried, healthy is not that first thing a person thinks when Hooters is involved.

Curiously in a very unhealthy restaurant the only type of ranch dressing we offer is "lite" ranch. That's right you can't get full calorie, artery clogging ranch at Hooters. Generally this isn't an issue and even if it was an issue my stellar "hands free service" that Hooters requires me to give means you never even saw the writing on the top of the foil wrapper anyway.

Apparently, some people are picky about their ranch. Some people want real, true, lots-o-calorie ranch even if the slightly better for you lite ranch tastes exactly the same. And that's the thing, our lite ranch is excellent. So when I drop off a salad at your your table of thirty and I don't quite have time to get the top off that ranch before you see it because I'm trying to deliver twenty plates while I simultaneously entertain your kids, I may be a little surprised when you complain.


"Excuse me but I DID NOT ask for lite ranch with my salad. Where is MY real ranch?!"

"I'm sorry, we only offer lite ranch, but it's really great and you can't even tell a difference. In fact I like it better, it's easily my favorite ranch."

"Do I CARE if you like it? I guess I'll HAVE to have thousand island then..."

*sigh*

So let me apologize once and for all about our horrible, low calorie ranch. Heaven forbid you save twenty calories as you gorge yourself on chicken wings.

Postsecret

I religiously check Postsecret.com every Sunday.  I find something strangely intimate about sharing such personal moments with people I will never know or perhaps even reading the secret of a close friend with no realization.  I have thought about the secrets I would send in a million times and have countless designs planned out in my head.

Some Sundays however I come across a secret that perfectly encompasses a moment within my life.  Some Sundays I come across a secret so personal I could have written it myself.  Sometimes these secrets are funny little moments, sometimes they are sad, and sometimes they capture large parts of my life.  The secret below puts my life in perspective.

You lied to me so expertly for three long years.  It was painful and it killed me inside, but to this day I think it was necessary for I found my own truth.  I found a confidence that could only be gained through being torn down completely by a person I loved unquestioningly.  Your lies were my truth.

Hooters Takes the Field

It's spring time and spring means certain things.  Spring means new life, warm weather, and that summer is ever closer (all cliche things I realize). But, spring also means softball and we at Hooters are going to have our own team this year.  That's right, a plethora of sexy girls are coming to a softball field near you!

Now I'm not about to claim we'll be any good, but we do have some pretty amazing jerseys (modeled so expertly here by one of our cooks, nice balls by the way) and you can bet that we will mostly likely have a certain skill in player diversion.  Luckily, I will be able to enhance my skills of sexiness by taking batting practice - the perks of having a roommate who played college softball - because though I would describe myself as a very athletic girl my skills fall short a bit when it comes to softball.  Fortunately softball in Montana is really more about inebriation than athletic skill and winning so if I totally suck I don't have to feel so bad.

Tomorrow evening is our first game and as it's our Hooters Swimsuit Competition I'll most likely be the only girl on the field (remember I have the day off for the Showdown tomorrow afternoon).  So after I sing I'll be the only girl taking the field for the first ever Hooters softball team, which I find ironic for a team representing a restaurant staffed by women.  I'll have to work at those skills of diversion extra hard tomorrow.

The Fight

I would like to start by saying that I am probably the easiest person to get along with in the world. I literally like everyone, even the people no one else gets along with. I guess I'm just the sort of optimistic person that finds the good in everyone. There is however one person I have been unable to find that good in - my roommate.

First, I think it's important for my story today to give you a little background on our household dynamic. I live with five other roommates, yes I said five. Now what makes this this tolerable is the fact that we live in a huge house; I'm talking five bedrooms, two kitchens, three living rooms big. All of my roommates including myself have graduated college and two of them are engaged to be married this summer. There is however one outlier, we'll call her RK.

RK is a student at our local tech school and she was one of those last minute sort of roommates that you get when you need a room filled fast. Having just turned 21, RK is younger than all of the rest of the roommates and it shows. At first none of us really minded her. She was loud constantly, brought home guys a lot, and wasn't the most considerate person but we all equated this to her being young and let it be. Well after awhile it came to our attention that this girl talks about everyone and not the nice sort of talk but the sort that is so negative that half of it isn't even real. There are certain people that thrive on gossip and drama whether it pertains to them or not and RK is certainly one of those girls.

Several months later it become incredibly apparently that not only was she talking to all of us about various "friends" of her's (which I became expert at toning out) but RK was also talking to others about all of us roommates. Not only was she talking, but making things up that were incredibly hurtful. She even fed lies to us about each other, pitting us against each other when there was nothing for us to fight about in the first place. RK had gotten into everyone's heads and exerted a control I believe she loved. The way she is has nothing to do with being young but honestly being an evil, hurtful person.

Obvisouly all of this is incredibly paraphrased and censored, but the fact is that all of it came to a huge breaking point. After all of us deciding RK had to be talked to after we were told she was talking bad about us by several people I hardly even know, we sat down to have a family meeting last night. We cautiously confronted RK about her various behavior, especially her addiction to drama. Well RK didn't take this too well and became instantly defensive, simultaneously spewing lies about us while saying she's never talked about anyone ever. That's the thing with RK, I honestly believe she talks about people so much she doesn't even realize it anymore - it's that ingrained into the person she is.

We all let her talk and let it roll off of our backs and made our points known. Then she said something that cut me deeper than anything anyone has ever said to me. RK made hateful comments about my parents who she has never even met. This is when with no self-control I flew at her. I had never fought anyone until the very moment when I began dragging her back down the stairs by her hair (and that really happened). Several flying punches and bleeding noses later my roommates pulled us apart and she promptly said she was moving out which was both started and completed last night.

I find it interesting that my roommates let me get in a few punches before pulling us apart. Later they even said they have wanted to hit RK countless times. Funny that as probably the least confrontational of all us I was finally the one to do it. But as good as it felt I did feel incredibly bad. I am just not the sort of person to take things to a physically harmful level and as such I apologized to her. I told RK that I meant every word that I had said, I owned up to being frustrated and annoyed and even disliking her, but I apologized for getting physical and coming at her. She never apologized for anything. So she's moved out and honestly today I feel as if a weight has been lifted from me - we all feel like that. The drama is gone and I couldn't be happier even with a swollen face.

Oh and by the way, RK is the same roommate who talked shit about one of my fellow Hooters Girls and broke my $2000 laptop I told you about before. So here's to you RK, grow the eff up because the real world is going to kick you hard in the ass someday and it may not make you bleed like I did, but it'll hurt a lot worse - trust me