On Friday, I had one of those mornings that made me a less than happy person. Actually, I had one of those nights that make a person have a less than stellar morning. No, I wasn't drunk, rather I was locked out and slept on my front porch in the rain. Yeah, my Thursday night was grand. Don't worry; I'll fill you in on that little gem later. For now, all you need to know is that I was not exactly in my most perfect Hooteriffic form on Friday morning. But I put on my best little happy, awake act, grabbed a heavily caffeinated beverage and headed to work.
After setting up the restaurant, I was ready for my first customer of the day as a family made their way toward the door. It is important to note at this point that it was a family with teenage kids - two girls and a boy. I breathed a sigh of relief. No toddlers. No college kids. No creepy construction workers. I was prepared for it to be breeze as I smiled and held open the door. Of course I was wrong.
Dad: "See, son," addressed to his twelve year old. "That's the kind of rack you need to look for on a girl. She's got a darn good set."
My smile fell from my face almost as quickly as Dad's eyes focused on my breasts and son's face turned 128 shades of red. As all this was happening I had already decided to pull the seniority card and dump Dad and his family on the other girl on the floor. It's not so much that I didn't want to take them, but given my two hours of sleep, on edge body I probably would be less likely to put up with his shit and more likely to scream at him. I figured pawning the family off would not only be in my best interest, but theirs as well. That's just good service on part for not taking them. That's how good I am.
I promised to make it up to her and my coworker most graciously took the table. I owe you. Seriously. The poor girl dealt with more lewd comments than I have perhaps heard in ALL my time at Hooters. Yes, he was that bad. And he was with his kids. Two of which were teenage girls. Classy.
Prepare to be amazed by a selection of Dad's most eloquent quotes!
Dad: "Look at the size of the knockers on that one!"
Dad: "Why aren't you smiling? Shouldn't you be happy to be around me?"
Dad: "Get that butt in gear so I can watch it walk away from me."
And perhaps my personal favorite: "Can you step back a little and do some jumping jacks for me? I wanna see how things go."
This was followed most effortlessly by: "Oh I'm sorry, it's a little too early for me to be doing strenuous exercise."
That of course was followed by a swift turn and ample eye rolling. I'd like to take this time to commend my fellow Hooters Girl for not only putting up with Ass Dad, but also delivering the most perfect comeback. Kudos.
But as much as he said, what I couldn't understand is why he would let his mouth run not only in front of his wife but also in front of his two young daughters. So is that how you expect men to talk to your girls? Is that how you courted your wife? Did it all start with a casually dropped, innuendo filled pick-up line? I can only guess that it did since ladies love nothing more than a pig in men's clothing. Sexy.
Dad capped off his Hooters adventure buy leaving his Hooters Girl a hefty $5.00 tip on a $120-something bill. Clearly his ample compliments were meant to be payment enough. Our self-esteem, self-worth and self-loathing can't thank you enough!
Oh and I can't wait for your oldest daughter to come in and apply when she's eighteen next year! Yay!!