A new and exciting weekly event has found its way to my Hooters schedule – Bikini Carwash Thursdays! OK so Bikini Car Wash Thursdays aren’t really that exciting, unless you’re a middle aged perv with a beater in need of cleaning, but our managers seem to think this is the best thing they have ever come up with. Apparently my managers have never seen the precision with which a squad of scantly clad, jailbait cheerleaders works a corner with cardboard signs and sponges in hand.
So what makes a Hooters Bikini Carwash different than your average high school cheerleader slut-a-thon? Well besides the fact that we’re legal, we also have a cunning way of drawing you into buying a plate of hot wings and a shirt so quickly that you won’t even know what hit you. That’s right, we are not just hot, wet chicks; we are hot, wet chicks that are strategically placed to sell you shit.
See here’s the thing about working the carwash, I am not paid for my participation. Before you cry, “labor law violation,” realize that every single cent you pay for me to wash your POS Jeep Wrangler goes directly to me. Basically, I volunteer to slip into my favorite bikini, get a tan, avoid your awkward stares, wash your shit and hopefully make some money. That my friends, is perhaps the worst part of Carwash Thursdays, I might make boatloads of cash, but I might also walk away with $3.50 in lose change. You see, it’s not up to me how much it should cost to wash four months of dirt off your car, it’s up to you – this carwash is strictly donation.
Lets break this down: you see hot Hooters Girls in less clothing than usual, you drive in your very dirty vehicle, watch me clean it, give me $5 for the honor and go in and have some Daytona wings because, “hell, I’m already here!” So who wins? Well, Hooters wins of course. Yes, you can argue that the man oogling my goodies as I bend to dip my sponge in a bucket is the winner, but Hooters is the one that more than likely got $30 out of that guy for a meal he wasn’t even hungry for in the first place. Kudos to your marketing efforts, Hooters, kudos indeed.
Obviously there is the odd jackass who drives in his charter bus, gives you $20 to clean the whole damn thing and then leaves to pickup his load of kids from bible camp. Yes that actually happened. Did you know they make special hose attachments just for cleaning buses? Well they do, and Mr. Bus Driver had them on him. How convenient!
As of the first week of June, Bikini Carwash Thursdays will take place weekly. This means that a plethora of pervalicious and truly awesome stories will surely find their way to this blog and unlike the carwash, this shit is donation free! You’re welcome.