18 June 2009

A Very Hooters Birthday

What better way to celebrate your birthday than at Hooters? It’s no Chucky Cheese, but I’d take hot, hula hooping chicks over a creepy, oversized rat-mouse thing any day. Obviously we’re going to sing to you and luckily we have a plethora of highly embarrassing options to regale you with (note: if you appear very shy, really good looking, annoying, or we just feel a smidge mean, your song and anything else we make you do will be extra embarrassing). So you’ve got chicks, fried foods, beer, songs and awkwardly placed balloons; what more could you need?

Well this is a birthday and in my opinion a birthday is not complete without a sugar-induced coma brought on by copious amounts of frosting. No, I’m not talking about licking frosting off a Hooters Girl – though I’m sure you’d thoroughly enjoy that. I’m talking about a cake baked in the most perfect form ever, the form of a Hooters Girl. That’s right, at our Hooters you can order a Hooters Girl cake, boobs and all, very much like the cake pictured here. Now this doesn’t come cheap, it’ll cost you anywhere from $80 to $200 dollars depending on flavor and size, but who can put a price on eating cake-filled breasts?

In all my time at Hooters, I have never seen anyone order the Hooters Girl cake – until last night. Walking into the cooler to grab extra lemons I saw it. There it was next to the creamer, tits perky, logo looking extra orange. This was one sexy freaking cake.

When the party came in at 7:30 they were already drunk. Piling around our most popular table – a large, wooden Montana-shaped table that easily seats twelve – the partygoers effectively took over the restaurant. The birthday boy could barely stay seated on his high stool as he jabbered and gawked and made everyone aware that he was 29 today. The wings came, the beer flowed and finally it was time for the grand unveiling.

“Holy shit, that cake has the biggest tits of any cake ever in the history of tit cakes!” Apparently this wasn’t our birthday boy’s first rodeo.

Now I’ve never seen a “tit cake” but apparently on a scale of 1 to 10 this one ranked an awesome as far as tit cakes go so I enthusiastically said, “Yeah, they used me as the model,” with a joking giggle and roll of my eyes.

“Guys, guys, it’s the tit cake model! This girl IS the tit cake!”

“Well actually, no, I was just…”

“I need a picture and it needs me and the tit cake and Sauce.”

And before I knew it, I was with birthday boy, tit cake in hand, while he proceeded to take a huge bight out of the cake’s C cups. It was probably the most epic moment caught on film (at Hooters at least).

Face covered in cake and frosting, birthday boy smiled, “I bet yours taste so much better! Just one little lick?”

I never even saw that one coming…


  1. Haha. I just read your ENTIRE blog!! Archives and everything! I was bored and I just got hooked. You are hilarious. And I really identify with the high-school-sauce, except I'm pretty short (5'1"), but in the non-noticeness, that's me. I doubt I'll grow a c-cup when i'm 20, but a girl can dream, I guess. LOL! Thanks for being super hilarious and kind of inspiring, even.

  2. Thanks so much for the super sweet comments! I started this blog to just write down my thoughts - it's nice to know that it has the ability to be a appreciated by others! I hope you'll continue to read and enjoy my blog and don't worry...there is still a lot of high school Sauce in me!



Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...