22 June 2009

Conversations with an Ass

My ex has a way of calling me at awkward times of day. Specifically, he enjoys calling me when I am asleep and he is less than sober. I always answer. Now before you write me off as a really stupid individual, realize that he’s calling me when I’m asleep. The funny thing about your phone ringing in the middle of a sweet dream featuring the one and only Chuck Wicks is that you will answer it no matter what. You won’t even look at who’s calling. You will grope around your nightstand in the dark, knocking shit over, finally find your blaring phone and you will answer it. It’s just a fact (and before you say I’m stupid again for not putting my phone on silent, it’s because I use it for my alarm and my alarm only setting is broken…so hah!). Thank you, ex, for barging your dumbass face into my lovely, lovely dreams.

Now these early morning – or late night if that’s your preference – phone calls are all the more interesting because more recently my ex got a new phone. This has had a dramatic effect on my sleeping patterns. The owner of a new Blackberry Pearl, the ex is unfamiliar with such exciting new features as “key guard.” Yes, just like the commercials I am a constant victim of butt dialing.


“Gargle blah gargle…take a shot…blah gargle gargle…so drunk….blah blah.”

“Nice to talk to you, butt.”

The thing I don’t understand about my constant conversations with my ex’s ass is that I am not at the top of his contact list. My name is not Abby, hell my name isn’t even Beth. My name doesn’t start with an A or a B or a C – it starts with an S. How does one butt dial someone in the middle of his contact list? How does one butt dial someone that they have not called in well over a month (meaning I am not at the top of his recent calls)? How is my ex’s ass so very smart that it picks me out of all his contacts? You, dear ex, have an ass that should belong to Mensa.

Maybe it’s just your ass’s way of letting me know that you’re a drunken idiot and that I am so much better off single. If this is the case, your ass is doing a phenomenal job. Thank you, ass, for pointing out my ex’s shortcomings, he is even more of an ass then you. Oh and for the record, you probably don’t need that shot of Jager you were discussing with your buddy; it’ll go straight to your ass.


  1. Love this.
    I was dying laughing.

  2. Perhaps, in an effort to conceal you from a new girlfriend, you are listed as, "Aaron?"

  3. Well we men have this idea that if we call you drunk we will finally have figured out all the right words to say to win you back. I actually gave up on this theory years ago but I know plenty of guys who still subscribe to it. Generally, this theory goes away with either time or maturity.
    So if you really are not interested in having him back my suggestion is either a) call the police. or b)change your phone number.

  4. I'm getting a new (not broken, yay!) phone on the 29th and I'm going to block the number. I've had my same number for six years and I refuse to give it up!

  5. If enough shots go to his behind, eventually the butt would start hitting a different button, right? Send him a tit boob cake (hee!) to help the process along.

    Some phones have a blocking feature built in- I have blocked exes that way. Some carriers will help with blocking numbers as well. Why yes, I used to work for a cell company.



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