22 April 2011

We Have Paper Towels

How kind of you to ask, creepy-mouthed towel roll
If you’ve been to Hooters before, you’re probably familiar with the fact that we conveniently place a big roll of paper towels on every table.  Being that pretty much every menu item does or can come with sauce those paper towels are very, very necessary.  It’d just be evil of us not to have them there for our guests.

Of course we sometimes don’t make it easy to find them.  By this I mean that they sort of hide behind the menus in the caddies.  Really not hidden at all.  Since the world is self-involved and unobservant, I always make a point of referring to the placement of the paper towels just to cover my bases.  Or, if they’re at a table where I can access the paper towels, I’ll actually turn the whole caddy around obviously positioning them for easy access.

It goes a little something like this:  As I’m placing the set-ups on the table (as many Hooters goers will know, we have no place settings on the tables before hand), which involves some creative, overachieving folding on my part, I gesture to the paper towels.

Sauce:  “And just so you know there is a whole roll of paper towels behind the menus just in case you run into big messes.  We like you to be prepared.”  I always through in some cute statement.  How Hooters of me!

If that doesn’t make the location of the damn towels clear I don’t know what does.  Even with that obvious warning, all too often the food will come out and people will be left thinking I’m a total bitch who only left them with one paper towel.  This is probably because – yes, even at Hooters – as a server I totally blend into the wood paneled walls.  After all I’m just a waitress and as such say nothing of consequence or real meaning.  Doing that would imply intelligence.

Perhaps next time I’ll put a strobe light on top of the towels with a sign that says, “plenty o’ towels for your dirty face.”  That way if you don’t notice the towels and turn the strobe light off you’ll risk a seizure.  Or I could take that nice soft roll of industrial style paper towels and bop you over the head with it.  But then again you probably wouldn’t notice that either.

Hey was the light fixture just talking?


  1. I feel ya. I spent hours and hours and hours developing these detailed instructions for our website at work for some forms people need to fill out for us. Ideally, after reading the instructions, the user will click the link at the bottom to the appropriate form. Unfortunately, people go straight to clicking, skipping the reading, and get their forms rejected by us. Then they call us, very angry, and give us a hard time. "You never said anything about we had to do" thus-and-so. Normally the thing they are so pissed about is covered in the very beginning of the instructions, too. So they didn't have to read *all* the instructions. All they had to do was read the *beginning* of the instructions. But that's asking too much. Having said that, I'll probably be one of those people who won't see the big roll of paper towels sitting there right in my face.

  2. i'm partial to phrases that use o' instead of "of", so i am 100% on board with the plenty o' towels strobe light. that seems like the sort of sign you'd take upon yourself to put up. because you give a shit.

  3. LMAO!! I cracked up at "plenty o' towels for your dirty face" - that was awesome! I think the towels are extremely thoughtful and sooo useful. I certainly go through a fair few when I get to visit. I am not a dainty eater, sauces go everywhere ...
    PS - Previously known as The Fan from England. I am off to visit one of our newly opened branches of Hooters next week! Hooray!



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