The Uniform of a Hooters Girl

The uniform of a Hooters Girl is an interesting thing. Instantly identifiable, the uniform evokes thoughts of sex, breasts, and wings in millions of people the world over. Now when I, and countless other Hooters Girls, see the uniform sex and hot wings are probably the farthest thing from mind. Sorry to ruin the illusion that Hooters Girls are constantly thinking of enumerable ways to stroke your ego, but really we’re often worrying about how much our asses hang out or if we look fat today – this is the woe of the orange shorts.

Following is a head-to-toe rundown of the Hooters Girl uniform from the eyes of a Hooters Girl.

Tank Top: The Hooters Girl tank top is, obviously, made of Lycra. As it is super stretchy the tank top is only available in super small sizes like XS and XXS and occasionally S. But don’t let the sizes fool you; even if you’d regularly wear a medium you’ll squeeze into a top that looks like it’s made for a child – trust me, it’ll fit. Getting the oh so small top perfectly tucked into the shorts is a considerable feat that involves rolling and folding and careful placement in an effort to avoid awkward lines interrupting the awesomeness that is the orange shorts.

Shorts: Hooters distinctive orange shorts are a gift to nylon as a fabric and bring the 80s running short to a new high in the fashion world. The shorts are also available in sizes ranging from XXS to S. Now according to the Hooters Manual my butt is never to hang out of my shorts, but it will and it does pretty much constantly just as every other girl in the restaurant (you’re welcome, guys, you’re welcome). The shorts will simultaneously leave you with what I call the “mom jean ass” creating a beautiful contradiction of sexy and frightening. The mom jean ass is a direct result of having to pull the shorts up just right so you create the “smile”. A Hooters must, the smile means making your shorts higher to the sides yet lower in front – making your shorts appear to be smiling. The smile allows me to hang my ass out, have the longest looking butt ever and hide the muffin top that the uniform creates on even the thinnest of girls. And finally, of course there is the camel toe but I have a major defense against that one…

Pouch: The Hooters pouch is the ultimate camel toe defense as it conveniently hides all the embarrassing front bits. The pouch comes in both brown to be worn with the generic uniform and black for Fridays and special occasions on which we wear the all black uniform (something every Hooters Girl loves and wishes she could wear everyday). Having several pockets, the pouch will be your own portable cash register and pen/Sharpie holder. It is important to note that the pouch is to be worn to the top of the shorts with no orange showing above the band.

Nylons: If you read my blog since way back when you will know that I loathe the Hooters nylons. The nylons come in letter sizes with D being the biggest (meant for tall freaks like myself). In addition to being horribly tan, they are slightly thicker than the average nylons causing them to be fairly opaque. The nylons are also atypical in that they are footless. Now a constant debate among the Hooters Girls I know is if the nylons should be worn with or without underwear. Personally, I find it more comfortable to forgo underwear however this is personal preference. So take additional pleasure in knowing your Hooters Girl may be commando.

Socks: Any good 80s style uniform is not complete without scrunched socks. The socks are one size fits all and when not pushed down go to the knee. The scrunching of the socks is a true science as they must be even and end at the bottom of the calf. This is done to draw attention to the shape of the leg.

Shoes: Every Hooters Girl wears the same (or a variation on the same) white Sketchers. Not only do Sketchers have the right “look” but also add height with the addition of a relatively thick sole. The shoes must stay white at all times.

So basically the uniform of the Hooters Girl that you’ve all come to know and love is one big pain in the ass. Yeah, there is something to be said about being the personification of an iconic American image, but it’s not always so glamorous. It takes work to looks good and I do it like it’s my job – oh wait, it is.