Automatic Creep

It seems that creepy dudes are often the worst tippers.  I perhaps could have led into that more smoothly and made it less blunt, but that's just the best way to put it.  Creepy guys tip like shit.  It seems that as cheesy pickup lines and thinly veiled innuendo increase, money making prospects decrease; it's a brutal inverse relationship.  Not only do I get the honor of serving a total douche, I get jack in return for it.  Maybe it's just their final asshole move. 

A few days ago, I had a real peach in my section.  Of course by peach I mean a man in his 50s who thoughts his mouth was a release hatch for "compliments" for me and my fellow Hooters Girls.  It's one thing if I am offended by your demeanor, if you manage to creep out the rest of the girls on staff you're truly a professional jack ass.  This guy was a certified, card carrying, doctorial candidate of douche.

After waiting on him and laughing off his varied comments, I was met by a sweet two dollar tip on a nearly $40 tab.  Unfortunately, I wasn't surprised but was - as always - incredibly disappointed.  It was about this time I did what I usually do in such situations, I started making a joke about it.  It didn't bring me the extra money I deserved, but it certainly made me feel marginally better.

My joking then evolved into a feature I wish actually existed in every Hooters (and more probably in any restaurant where woman are forced to serve men - which is pretty much everywhere).  Ever heard of automatic gratuity?  It's a featured used to add tip to large parties.  Basically, many restaurants will add a gratuity of 15-18% for parties larger than eight or ten.  The reason for this is to ensure that the server gets properly tipped for dealing with all the shit a big party entails.  And trust me, without it, big tables usually tip like complete and utter crap.  It seems that when the tab gets larger simple math goes out the window and everyone leaves 10%, or less if you're really lucky.

Anyway, the whole point of all that is that I wish that I could have an automatic creep function to apply to my tickets.  That's right, I wish I could call people out on their douchiness by forcing them to tip me properly.  Creepy pickup line?  5%.  Gratuitous boob/ass staring?  5%.  Ass cell phone pictures?  10%.  Just imagine how quickly that could add up to a nice 20% tip.  I think it's only fair.  You get to be an ass and I get paid. 

Just think of the creepiness such a register function would decrease.  If you can't afford a large tip, you don't get to be a jerk.  If you have the money, be a jerk all you want.  I'll take your money any day.  I wish the world could be so perfect.