20 December 2010

Automatic Creep

It seems that creepy dudes are often the worst tippers.  I perhaps could have led into that more smoothly and made it less blunt, but that's just the best way to put it.  Creepy guys tip like shit.  It seems that as cheesy pickup lines and thinly veiled innuendo increase, money making prospects decrease; it's a brutal inverse relationship.  Not only do I get the honor of serving a total douche, I get jack in return for it.  Maybe it's just their final asshole move. 

A few days ago, I had a real peach in my section.  Of course by peach I mean a man in his 50s who thoughts his mouth was a release hatch for "compliments" for me and my fellow Hooters Girls.  It's one thing if I am offended by your demeanor, if you manage to creep out the rest of the girls on staff you're truly a professional jack ass.  This guy was a certified, card carrying, doctorial candidate of douche.

After waiting on him and laughing off his varied comments, I was met by a sweet two dollar tip on a nearly $40 tab.  Unfortunately, I wasn't surprised but was - as always - incredibly disappointed.  It was about this time I did what I usually do in such situations, I started making a joke about it.  It didn't bring me the extra money I deserved, but it certainly made me feel marginally better.

My joking then evolved into a feature I wish actually existed in every Hooters (and more probably in any restaurant where woman are forced to serve men - which is pretty much everywhere).  Ever heard of automatic gratuity?  It's a featured used to add tip to large parties.  Basically, many restaurants will add a gratuity of 15-18% for parties larger than eight or ten.  The reason for this is to ensure that the server gets properly tipped for dealing with all the shit a big party entails.  And trust me, without it, big tables usually tip like complete and utter crap.  It seems that when the tab gets larger simple math goes out the window and everyone leaves 10%, or less if you're really lucky.

Anyway, the whole point of all that is that I wish that I could have an automatic creep function to apply to my tickets.  That's right, I wish I could call people out on their douchiness by forcing them to tip me properly.  Creepy pickup line?  5%.  Gratuitous boob/ass staring?  5%.  Ass cell phone pictures?  10%.  Just imagine how quickly that could add up to a nice 20% tip.  I think it's only fair.  You get to be an ass and I get paid. 

Just think of the creepiness such a register function would decrease.  If you can't afford a large tip, you don't get to be a jerk.  If you have the money, be a jerk all you want.  I'll take your money any day.  I wish the world could be so perfect.

7 comments:

  1. Well, I'm one creepy guy who tips well. Usually 20% unless something truly awful happens. And I'm more discreet than most with the ass and boob staring. And you'd never see me take a cell phone pic of your ass. I'm usually pretty good at hiding it.

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  2. Haha, odds are with a comment like that, J, you're not actually a creepy guy to us. If you can admit it, you probably aren't one ;)

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  3. "Gratuitous boob/ass staring?"

    You're telling me that there is a Hooter-girl certified level of boob/ass staring? Ok, that was creepy, lol...

    (Seriously, I don't understand how anyone could tip less than 15-20% at Hooters. I mean, maybe if the service was really bad, but since the place is all about the service, so long as it's decent, you've got to give at least an ordinary type of tip, right?)

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  4. WHY DON'T YOU SPICK PORTUGUESE

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  5. You are truly my new idol Sauce!

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  6. I just read this post now. just like J - I always leave at least 20% - usually more. I do take pictures of the girls (with their knowledge and permission). I didn't know I could get away with ass pics and gratuitous ass staring for that rate....awesome - now i know.....
    love you all - keep up the good work

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  7. I completely agree! Like it's already hard enough serving such a creep but on top of that, I get next to nothing as a tip for serving him. It really puts a damper on my days.

    Our biggest creeper to date is a man who comes in every day and takes photos of us. He has at least twenty (literally) of each girl and still hasn't stopped taking them. It's reached a point where our manager was forced to tell him he couldn't take photos without our permission anymore. He even applied there to work in the kitchen and creep us out more!!

    The icing on top of this lovely cake is the deck of cards he made of all the photos of us. We're officially a deck of cards that he is trying to sell for twenty bucks (which is obviously illegal since you can't sell the Hooters logo without permission). And after taking hundreds of photos and trying to sell our image, he still leaves less than two dollars each time he comes in.

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