Hans, the 63 year-old guest, lovingly named after the skate shop owner from the Mighty Ducks, who was my biggest fan. He even wanted to buy me a couch once. No joke. Hans was a pretty regular fixture around Hooters, gracing table 83 with his presence every week or two. Then Hans went missing.
Hans - absent for months - finally appeared in April only to tell me had experienced a heart attack. Needless to say, I was worried, but slowly he began to get better. He'd made the move from water to soda, but Miller Lite bottles were still out of the question. Even without the beer he seemed to be doing well.
Then Hans disappeared again and suddenly I realize I haven't seen him since June or July. Being a caring person, I was immediately worried. Thoughts of hospital beds and defibrillators flashed through my mind. I assumed the worst.
Yes, I assumed that Hans was - sadly - dead. I wrote that just as bluntly as I thought it. I skipped right past illness, extended vacations and moving. I went right to death.
So I did what any good nerd would do and I Googled the shit out of Hans. I searched numerous permutations of his name and residence. I even searched the local paper just in case Google was sucking and missed some relevant piece of information. My search was thorough and still I came up with nothing of importance regarding Han's current state of being. I'm not sure if this made me more or less worried.
If you're out there, Hans, please come and say hi. Or send a smoke signal. I'm worried.