24 May 2009

Creeps and the UFC

UFC nights at Hooters have a particular way of bringing out the creeps.  Add copious amounts of alcohol and lots of televised ass beating and Hooters creeps suddenly think they are the baddest mofos ever.  Last night, yet another UFC fight night, the creeps came out of their holes, drank, made merry, and let their assholeness truly shine through.

One man in particular was an extra special gem and wholeheartedly proved why our owners bring in bouncers for UFC events.  This middle-aged man, who I'll call Golf Jacket, was in one of those states of inebriation when he walked in the door that makes one think they are coolest guy in the room (I've got a news flash for you you, Walter Cronkite, you aren't).  Well Golf Jacket is all over the poor people sitting next to him at the bar, leaning treacherously from left to right, and cheering with drunken fervor at even the slightest action on the flatscreen in front him.  As the fights go on, he gets markedly louder and starts remarking about his apparent awesomeness.

"I bet $9,000 on this fight."

Two seconds later, "Did you know that I got $13,000 on this fight?"

Closely followed by, "This fight is gonna win me like $20,000."

Then, he started talking about his 9mm to the man beside him and apparently he says he's "got his piece" on him.  Now I'm not sure if you're familiar with gun laws, but in the state of Montana one is allowed to carry a concealed weapon with proper certification.  However, one is not allowed to carry a concealed weapon into an establishment that serves alcohol.  So the bouncer, a very large man with a cliche mohawk, comes to have a little chat with Golf Jacket.

Bouncer: "You got a gun on you?"
Golf Jacket: "What, I don't have a gun? Who told you I have a gun?  I'm gonna kick some asses!"
Bouncer: "Sir, you said you had a gun on you just now."
Golf Jacket: "I have my gun on me?!"
Bouncer: "OK, I'm going to have to pat you down now."

So the bouncer begins patting Golf Jacket down, checking his pockets, when suddenly Golf Jacket envelops the bouncer in a bear hug of epic proportions.

Golf Jacket: "I just appreciate you so much."
Bouncer: "Um, thanks I guess."
Golf Jacket: "Seriously, lets hang."
Bouncer: "I don't think so, but I think it might be a good idea for you to leave."
Golf Jacket: "Sweet where we going? Oh did I tell you I won the World Series of Poker Once?  I bet $15,000 on this fight."

Sure thing, Golf Jacket.  And I'm sure the bouncer would like to thank you for attempting to come back into the restaurant five different times to give him one more appreciative hug.  I love UFC nights.

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