28 May 2009

Ode to a Tool

One of my ex boyfriends, we'll call him "Small Town Boy", is a total tool. Now Small Town Boy (STB) is not just a regular tool, but a tool of such epic proportions that I would go so far as to call him a tool bag; for those of you not in the know this is similar to "biggie sizing" your value meal.

To better describe STB, I decided to look up the word tool on the ever handy Urbandictionary.com:
Intellectual pursuits are not of any interest to a tool, and people who are interested in them are "stuck-up" or "faggy". A tool just likes to have a few beers, watch and talk about sports constantly, and refer to women as "sluts" and themselves "players". Tools are usually borderline retarded, but hide it well because they have the uncanny ability to conform almost perfectly to social norms.

If a movie, or song becomes popular in society, the tool will quickly adapt said movie or song as one of their favorites (see Lil' Jon, Souljah Boy, Boondock Saints). Their "social commentary" is often crudely taken from the last episode of South Park.

A tool can usually be spotted wearing a backwards baseball cap and athletic attire, playing beer pong at any large, obnoxious party where loud mainstream rap music is played.
Thanks Urban Dictionary, you have effortlessly captured STB in all his toolish glory; I couldn't have put it better myself! I shit you not, that is literally an exact description of the college dropout, ultimate mooch, beer pong table in the living room, Boondock Saints loving cliche that is STB. I mean the guy dumped me while drunk in the middle of a camping trip of twenty people - tool for sure.

Recently though, STB raised his level of tool bag to a height of such epic proportions that I'm not even sure there is a word for it. STB jumped on the ol' bandwagon and got a tattoo that he has advertised incessantly on facebook (a classic tool move). Now I have several tattoos so I'm not judging him on the act of simply getting inked. The thing is that my tattoos all have a definite and dramatic connection to my life, for example I have Mercury wings on both feet. This is because I not only ran track for 15+ years of my life but my parents met at a track meet - basically my life is one big track meet.

Now STB's tattoo, on the other hand, has nothing to do his life on any sort of meaningful level. First I'll give you a little background. STB and his current sugar momma just took a trip to Hawaii after a month of relationship bliss. And basically that's it, STB has been to Hawaii once and there stretching from elbow to wrist is a map of Hawaii (please also note that it is every tool's favorite tattoo color, black, and the toolish arm in the air). WHAT?! OK, I've seen some shitty tattoos, but why on Earth would a white boy from Montana get a tattoo of Hawaii after visiting the place once? I've been to Minnesota for a layover, maybe I should get a tramp stamp of the land of 10,000 lakes.

I can see it now, "Daddy, what are those blobs on your arms?!" (please note that this is dramtization, heaven help us all of STB procriates)

"That's Hawaii, Timmy." Then enevitably STB will have to tell Timmy all about it and it will come up that the trip wasn't with Mommy but with the current flavor of the week. Poor, poor Timmy.

Thank you STB for reminding of yet another reason why I am glad we are no longer dating, as if your unemployment and constant inebriation weren't enough. I hope that you and Haiwaii are very happy together.


  1. Shouldn't Timmy's name really be 'Dakota' in this story?

  2. I love that! Dakota is so STB!

  3. Thank you for this post, even if it is an old one and I'm a little late on the comment-game! I too have been the victim of "associating" myself with a tool and your comments ring true! Thanks for making me laugh and enjoy the fact that I left that loser where he belonged...in the shitty toolbox he was found in :)

  4. I'm even later on commenting on this entry, but I want to thank you for it. It makes me kind of thankful that, even though I'm totally inept when it comes to women, at least I'm not someone like STB.



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