My Hooters Girl Touched Me, Is She Flirting?

The following question appeared in my inbox the other day and I thought it was definitely worth addressing.  Remember if you have your own Hooters question (or Sauce question or life question or random conversation) either email me or visit my Formspring and ask away!

Are there rules or recommendations against servers at Hooter's making physical contact with their guests?  I had my (regular) server trail her fingers across my back as she walked by me tonight.  This seems to cross a line between playful flirtation and actually leading on a guest.  What's your take on this?

This would be inappropriate for example.  CREDIT.

My initial answer to your question regarding contact between Hooters Girls and customers would be that I don’t think it’s appropriate in most cases.  I don’t think it’s necessarily because the action is leading, but because it’s simply out of place in the restaurant work environment.  Would it be out of place for your waitress to touch you at TGI Friday’s?  Why would Hooters be any different?  Specifically, in a place such as Hooters where a guest touching the girls is often deemed inappropriate, it seems rather necessary for the policy to work both ways to avoid confusion.

Now all that being said, the situation can get a little confusing when it comes to regulars – as you’ve pointed out you are.  With the increased familiarity of a regular customer, physical contact becomes a lot more commonplace.  However, this is generally very innocent and usually acceptable in my opinion because it never crosses the line.  These are situations where I am very mindful and still keep the contact to a minimum just to avoid any confusion like you’ve mentioned.  An innocent gesture to some and be taken so differently by others so nine times out of ten it’s best to just be avoided.

So do I think she was leading you on specifically?  Obviously being that I wasn’t a part of the situation I can’t say for sure, but based on what you’ve told me (most specifically your regular status) I’d say that her actions were not meant to be leading.  I think it was just a motion made out of familiarity.  Of course I can never know for sure.

What all this does tell me though, is how careful Hooters Girls – and far more broadly women in general – have to be in their customer interactions.  A thoughtless gesture or assertion can easily be taken in a light that was never intended.  Especially when you’re a pretty girl paid to show off your outgoing personality.  Flirting and fun seem to skirt an awfully thin line.

Horny on Life

Aren't we all?

The other day I had a guest describe Hooters in a way I'd never even begun to contemplate.  His reaction to the Hooters experience was simple and crazy and original and strange and totally great.

"You know what Hooters does?  It makes people horny on life."

It was one of those statements you don't exactly know how to respond to.  It catches you off guard just enough that regular reaction time goes completely out the window and you find yourself somewhat awkwardly contemplative as you attempt to formulate a response.  He must have sensed my state of being and explained himself.

"Well it's like when you leave Hooters you're just totally happy in every sense of the word.  You're belly is full of delicious fried food.  You've had a couple of huge beers to wash it all down.  Plus you got to do all of that hanging around chicks who aren't just hot, but also happen to be cool as shit.  It just makes you feel really good about the world.  It's horny on life."

And as weird as it seemed, it summed it all up pretty well.

So go to Hooters and get horny on life.

Not a Good Day

Today ended horribly at work.  On Thursdays, I act as attendant in our small casino (a very Montana thing to have attached to a sports bar/restaurant).  Usually this is a rather slow day for me and today seemed no different.  Until I went to count my bag at the end of my shift.  Somehow, despite being ridiculously slow, I came up $135 short.  I've never even been a dollar short before and now I was missing over $100.  I panicked.

I counted the money again and again until finally I broke into tears and realized that despite having no idea how it could happened the money was long gone.  After putting my tips toward the deficit, I was still $80 short forcing me to go to the ATM to make up the difference.  I effectively paid to go to work today.

I still have absolutely no idea what could have happened, but at this point I suppose it doesn't even matter.  What's done is done and the debt has been paid.  Paid painfully, but paid none the less.  Life goes on.

UPDATE
Have you ever had one of those moments of total clarity in the middle of the night?  The type that wakes you up and suddenly everything is clear in a way that is almost scary?  Well that happened to me at about 5:30 a.m. this morning.

I woke up and in the same instant that my eyes were opening I remembered cashing a $135 winning ticket.  Not only did I remember the ticket, I remembered nearly everything about the man who claimed it including the machine he'd been playing and how he liked his coffee.  I remembered our conversation and how much money he'd fed the machine.  Mostly I remembered cashing his ticket, marking it off and putting it away (it's only where it went that remains unknown).  I found the money in a sleep induced perfect memory.

Remembering was almost as rewarding as being handed my $135 after checking the accounting of machine 16.  There, at noon just like I'd said, was a $135 cashout.  Thank you, memory.

Receipt Art: May 22, 2011

This receipt art is pretty self-explanatory.  Having a table with a father and his little boy, I figured a fire breathing dragon would go over pretty well.  I was also planning to add a knight or something to slay the dragon, but I clearly ran out of room.  So now that poor tower is totally undefended.  My bad.

Now if only I hadn't given that rather cute dragon such a horrible tail.

The Mickey Mouse Analogy

Last night, due to the whole corporate mishap, I got to teach Image Class to a group of newer hires.  Image Class is one step of many in the Hooters training regimen and its basic purpose is to teach girls what is required and expected under the title of Hooters Girl.  You learn the uniform and image requirements, tips and tricks for maintaining said requirements, what being a Hooters girl requires as far as attitude, personality and service and why it's all important.

Really, I've always thought that was the most important part of Image Class.  Why are the myriad of rules and requirements so important to being a Hooters Girl?  When I teach my classes, I always begin and end with the why.  I outline the fact that Hooters is a successful brand built around the concept of the Hooters Girl.  The Hooters Girl is the brand and as such there is an expectation held by each and every customer who walks in the door.  They know the iconic image of the Hooters Girl.  They expect that image.  If we didn't deliver it the experience would disappointing.

Yesterday, I finally came up with the perfect analogy for the importance of the Hooters Girl image:

"It's like going to Disney World when you're eight.  You walk through the park gates and all you want to see is Mickey Mouse because after all this is freaking Disney World and as good as all the other stuff is, Mickey is where it's at.  All day you're hoping to see him and finally at the very end of the day you get your chance.  You wait in line and suddenly it's your turn and you're so very excited with your little autograph book and pen ready.  Then you look up at him and you smile with utter happiness just as you're noticing that this Mickey isn't what you expected.  He's all mangy looking and too tall and not plump enough and smells and his ears don't stand up straight and there's no familiar smile.  This Mickey is downright frightening.  That would not only scare the crap out of you, it'd be the most disappointing moment of your eight year old life."

Yes, that was my Mickey Mouse analogy.  I've never used it in class before, but it seemed to get the idea of why upholding the occasionally tedious Hooters Girl standards is of the utmost importance.  A Hooters Girl is an icon and icons are universal images with universal expectations.  It might not always be fun, but there's a reason why I never have an off day.  After all, no one wants to be a mangy Mickey.  That's just not cute.

Or Maybe Corporate Isn't Coming

After all of that cleaning and scaring the absolute shit out of the new girls, corporate isn't coming after all.  It seems that sometimes air travel just doesn't want to cooperate with flying across the country.  With delay after delay, it just didn't make sense for our trainer to trek out to Montana just to turn around again and leave.  I am both disappointed and entirely ecstatic.

Imagine my carefully made up dismay when I arrived to work only to find out there would be no visit.  Not only had I bought a brand new top and pouch for the event, I'd painstakingly cleaned my Sketchers to make them as white as possible.  Beyond that I had gone the extra mile and went full on glamour with fake eyelashes.  Now I love fake eyelashes, but I don't love them enough to get my ass out of bed to wear them in the morning without a damn good reason.  Sleep wins over 100% eye perfection every time no matter how good that shit looks.

Needless to say I was looking like a slice of Hooters Girl perfection.  Wasted on a Monday morning.  At least my customers probably thought I looked amazing.  Or entirely overdone for a Monday morning.  Either way.

So guess who gets to teach Image and Renegade Service class during the season finale of her all time, totally nerdy, favorite show tomorrow?  Yup, this eyelash wearing, overachieving, total corporate ready girl.

You just wait till next time, my corporate friends.  I've been eating like a champ and lost 2% body fat after my first month of bootcamp.  I'm getting toned as shit.  Add that to the eyelashes and I'll be so corporate ready it'll hurt their eyes.  See you soon.

Corporate is Coming

Tomorrow marks the first day of a whirlwind training visit from the corporate office in Atlanta.  The visit will consist of training new certified corporate trainers for both Hooters Girls and bartenders and doing image and service classes with all the girls hired in the last year.  Basically we’re getting a visit to make sure we continue to be totally awesome.

Luck for us, we run a fairly strict store.  This means that we do a pretty good job of keeping up corporate standards day in and day out.  Not only does this make us more successful as a restaurant, it means that when corporate decides to show up we don’t look like total asshats.  Instead of freaking out and doing a total overhaul of our store, a little cleaning is all it takes to be corporate ready.

I mean let’s be honest here, when corporate shows up it’s sort of like your parents coming home after a long weekend away.  It’s not like we’re the type of kids that have crazy keggers, we’re more the type that let the dishes pile up and forget to water the grass so that it goes a little brown on the edges.  A bit of elbow grease and time and mom will never know that we ate Hot Pockets off the good china.

In addition to a little extra cleaning, we’ve worked toward uniform perfection as well.  I won’t sugarcoat, some of us who may have worn xxs shorts when we were hired, might need to go up a size today.  It’s not that me resizing a girl’s shorts is mean, it’s a way to keep her ass from hanging out in unflattering ways.  And trust me, I’m not even a quarter as blunt as corporate will be.  Better to fix the problems now.

So all the provisions have been made and corporate will be welcomed with open arms.  Of course last time I was told my lips needed to look fuller.  That has not been fixed.  But besides my lips, I’m totally ready for corporate.

Sexpresso

I'll have a mocha, please. CREDIT

Recently a question popped up in my email that asked about my opinion on “sexpresso” stands that are appearing everywhere and are being compared to Hooters.  If you’re unfamiliar with what a sexpresso stand is, it’s basically you’re regular coffee stand only staffed with girls in lacy lingerie.  And they’re all the rage.  Even our middle of nowhere, Montana city has two of these new stands.  With the names like “Natté Latté,” this new fad is all about sexy service and double entendre.

With that simple overview it seems a pretty easy comparison to Hooters.  The female staff, the play on words, the eye on entertainment.  But personally, I think the comparisons stop there.  Yes, Hooters has a strong component based on sex appeal, but it’s an innocent, playful sex appeal not shared with these far more racy coffee stands.  While I wear a tank top, shorts and horrendously tan, nearly opaque nylons, these girls are clad in little more than bra straps, lace and underwire.  I don’t know about you, but I just don’t like the idea of standing in an open window in front of a line of cars with little more than lace boy shorts shielding my lady parts from both the elements and prying eyes.

I guess to me there is a definite and firm distinction between the playful sexy of Hooters and the entirely overt sexy of these drive-in cafes.  Perhaps the line is small, but I think it absolutely exists.

Now, I realize that my stance has the probability of being taken as hypocrisy to some and that’s totally fine.  What I will note is that I see nothing wrong with people frequenting these stands.  Just as I have always maintained with my own place of employment, visiting these establishment is purely a personal decision and I am all for personal choice in all things.  Including where, when and how your morning coffee is served.  What is too much for me is fine for others.  That’s the beauty of choice.

All I know is I personally don’t like the idea of a barista in a negligée serving me a cup of scalding hot liquid.  That just sounds like a workman’s comp filing waiting to happen. 

A New Worst Kind of Tipper

So sad, so true.  CREDIT.

Once upon a time I said that the worst kind of bad tipper was the kind that was super nice, only to screw you over in the end.  I also said that a part of me wished they’d make their shittiness known initially so I wouldn’t be surprised.  Well, I was wrong.  Yes, I really am admitting I was wrong.  It’s hard for me.  But I’ve discovered something so much worse that I have to swallow my I’m-always-right pride.

During a Monday bar shift, a few gentlemen sat down and ordered a couple sodas and a twenty-piece wing.  Now sometimes, and this only seems to happen at the bar, people like to pay right away even when eating in.  I’m not really sure why people do this considering it doesn’t change the fact that they still have to sit and wait and eat their food.  Personally, I think it’s sort of weird, but to each their own.

A twenty is left on the bar and I grab it to make change for their $17.77 tab.  I count back the $2.23 and set it on the bar.  Almost immediately the change was pushed forward in an obvious “this is your tip” motion.  Before I go on, lets do the math.  That’s 12%.  While that’s not the worst tip I’ve ever received – that one goes to the ever-evil zero of course – it’s certainly not good.  It was definitely low enough to be mildly insulting.

Now how am I supposed to be inspired to not treat you like shit when you’ve basically told me I’m not worth more than your pocket change?  Do you think that generosity makes me want to give you the impeccable service I try to give to all my customers?  Nope, it sure doesn’t.  It really makes me want to punch you in the face so I can knock you out and go through your pockets for the rest of the tip I know I’ll be earning.

Of course, even knowing these guys were shitty tippers outright I still did my job even though I wanted to be a total bitch.  That certainly doesn’t mean it was easy.  Especially when they sprinkled the whole experience with slightly inappropriate and nearly wholly insulting comments.  Each glaringly made over the $2.23 I purposely left sitting on the bar.  It was my only way of making some grandiose statement about how much they sucked.  Naturally it was totally lost on them.  Though everyone else at the bar seemed to get the message.

“Wow, that was really disrespectful of those guys,” said a diner a few seats down after the two had finally left.

For the record, if other customers notice how much you suck it’s a pretty good indication that you suck extra hard.

Next time, forget the fact that I said I’d want to know upfront about your crappy tipping habits and just be sneaky as shit about it in the end.  Hide your change under your water glass for all I care.  Just don’t insult me before I’ve even had the chance to bring you your wings.  That’s just downright mean.  And no one likes a meanie.

How to Get Fired for Idiots - And Then Apologize for It

You all know what happened.  An underage coworker of mine was caught lying about her age to get a drink at the bar.  Of course this got her fired.  Which is exactly what should have happened.  She left.  We all talked about it as a restaurant full of women is apt to do.  And that was that.

Until it wasn't.  In a total out of character move for most fired restaurant employees, the girl in question actually took the time to write an apology to Hooters.  Yes, actually WRITE.  She didn't email or call or text.  She actually put a little bit of effort in an drafted an apology.  I have to admit that's pretty astounding in this day and age.

What I find most impressive though is the fact that it wasn't one of those underhanded apologizes that's actually begging for your job back in disguise.  She made it clear that she understood and didn't expect to be asked to return to work.  She was handling her shit like an adult.  I like that.

In addition to all of that, she took the time to specifically apologize for possibly putting the bartender's job in jeopardy as well as her own.  In the end it seemed that that was the fact she was most regretful about.

So while I still think what she did was entirely stupid, I am pleased to see someone take responsibility for their actions.  A little consideration is just nice now and again.

How to Get Fired for Idiots

CREDIT

I’ve never found myself in a position where I needed to worry about being fired.  Not only is doing a job poorly not in my personality, but being the daughter of two bakers/business owners who have dealt with their share of shitty employees I know what not to do.  However I imagine that if I ever was going to do something fire worthy I’d be sure to go out with a bang.  I’d throw shit and punch a couple customers in the throat and scream obscenities in the most profane combinations.  I would be fired, but I would be a legend.

The following – which happened last week – is what I definitely wouldn’t do:

One of our newest girls had just gotten off shift when she decided to stop at the bar.  Sitting down and talking to a regular, he kindly offered to buy her a drink, which she readily accepted.  At this point the bartender – who had never worked with this particular girl – asked if she was old enough.  Well of course she was old enough!  She was 23 after all, she pointed out.  She was soon enough sipping a sugary blended margarita full of body warming tequila.

Just about then the manager walked by.  Though this manager had never worked with this new hire either she was pretty sure she was not 23.  In fact she was pretty sure she was under 21.  So she asked a few girls and finally went to the employee files.  You know, where important things are kept like Xeroxes of IDs.  It didn’t take long to find what she was looking for.  I’ll give you one guess who was 19.

The manager approached the girl and a bit of a commotion began.  Just as the drink was being taken away our owner, who happened to be sitting directly behind the underage employee in question having a few drinks with friends, overheard what was going on at the bar next to him.  After he heard what had happened he fired her on the spot.

Yes, that actually effing happened.  First off, how dumb do you have to be drink underage at a place where you’re employed?  After all they have all your information readily available for cross-referencing.  That’s just down right stupid.  And that’s before you account for the fact that the man who owns the restaurant is close enough to smell the tequila on your lying breath.  I’m sorry, but that’s pretty much one of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard.

Of course as the story began to spread around the restaurant like wildfire it became apparent that she’d not tried to drink at work once before, but twice.  She went from plain stupid to downright slow as shit.  I’m still amazed at the IQ deficiency that sort of decision-making would require.

And as far as the bartender goes, who wouldn’t believe a fellow employee who so adamantly claimed she was old enough?  Honestly, I think I would have served her too in that situation.  It would never have crossed my mind that she’d lie with two managers and our owner milling around.  My guess is she probably didn’t even think about it.  Or didn’t care.

So that’s this week’s top way to get fired.  I’m sincerely hoping no one tops it.  For this week at least.

Receipt Art: May 9, 2011

Per my promise of posting receipt arts more regularly once again, I am sharing another artwork today.  My dedication to this mission is surprising even to myself.  I'm hoping I can parlay this power of will to finally putting all my laundry away.  Doubt it.

I'm going to just say outright that this one needs a bit more detail; it's cute, but it just doesn't quite have enough for me.  I'm also going to go ahead and point out the dinosaur sized, totally unrealistic bee I drew.  That thing has to be at least the size of a minivan.

The Boyfriend Question

And then sometimes work is like work.

Almost three years ago I had my first interview at Hooters.  Not having opened yet, I met the general manager in a stark hotel convention center next to the growing wooden skeleton of Hooters next door.  While the exact stereotypical questions I was asked now escape me, one not-so-typical question will always remain with me:

“Do you have a boyfriend or significant other that would have a problem with you working at Hooters?”

While that particular interview question seemed a little funny at the time, it also seemed entirely relevant.  It takes no stretch of the imagination to understand why the question is an important one.   An important question I could easily say no to.  At the time I was newly single and loving being completely unattached.  There was no around to worry about me working at Hooters except for me.

Regardless of my status at the time however, I knew I would never be the type of girl to let a man mandate where I chose to work whether my choice was Hooters or not.  I suppose it comes down to the fact that a guy who takes such a strong, controlling stance on one issue would probably do the same on others.  As an independent, self-sufficient woman I don’t do controlling guys.  Life is just too short to let someone else do your decision-making.

 I hadn’t really thought about all of this in a long time until just recently.  I was training a couple of weeks ago when my trainee began talking about her ex boyfriend.  As it turned out, he had urged her to apply at Hooters pointing out the opportunity to make good tips.  After he’d mentioned the idea a few times she came in and applied and to her surprise was hired nearly right away. 

And that’s when things got weird.  Suddenly the boyfriend who was so into the Hooters idea decided that he didn’t like her working there.  In fact he didn’t like the idea so much that he decided to breakup with her over it (while I am sure there is more to the story, this seems to have been the major point of contention).  Hooters was that big of a deal.

Now I’m not going to jump on how wrong his – or any other guy’s – negative opinion of Hooters is.  As I’ve always asserted, I have no problem with people not liking Hooters.  What I do have a problem with is people forcing that opinion on others.  And I’d say a boyfriend/husband/fiancé forcing his girlfriend/wife/fiancé to quit or never apply at Hooters if she wants to is certainly forcing an opinion.  That is something I totally take issue with.

So no, I do not have a boyfriend or significant other who has a problem with me working at Hooters.  In fact, I thing Dreamy likes that I work at Hooters.  Not only does it mean his girlfriend has a reasonable level of hotness, but a pretty decent personality too.  Plus all that work at Hooters bought him a PS3.  Here’s to working it at Hooters because I can and because I want too.  No man-pinions needed.

Receipt Art: May 6, 2011

Recently I've been adding mountains to a lot of my receipts regardless of the picture in the foreground.  I think it adds depth to my scenes.  Plus I like to draw mountains for some reason.  Something about how linear I do them just makes me happy.  Feel free to think I'm weird.

I present two of my receipt arts from Friday that both include mountains, but very different overall feels.  The first is a golf scene for a group who braved the light drizzle to hit the links.  I used artistic license and went with sun instead.

I'm in love with how cute that golf bag turned out.

I also added my mountains to a typical spring theme of a mama duck and her babies complete with cattails. 

Here you might notice that below mama duck my table drew a little parachuting stick man.  The group - who eat at Hooters fairly regularly - work at the Smokejumper Center here in town.  Why I've never thought to draw them smokejumpers is beyond me.  That would make sense.

Hooters' Weekend Champion of Awesome

Not made for me, but should have been.  CREDIT

I just gave myself an award.  It’s the “Hooters' Weekend Champion of Awesome” award and I totally earned the shit out of it.  As usual, I was scheduled Saturday and Sunday dayshifts and did my thing slinging wings and beers like nobody’s business.  Being as it was one of the biggest weekends of the spring due to several different large events going on, including a large rugby tournament called Maggotfest (seriously look that up), a brewfest and a three day college rodeo, we expected to be busy.  And we were.  I was ready to make some money.

I got my wish.  But the reason wasn’t just because we were busy.  The reason I was because getting drunk – an annual hallmark of this particular weekend – was more important than working for more than one of our girls.  Without getting into all the messy details, several girls ended up not showing up and throwing everyone else under the bus.  A bus that’s simultaneously burst into flames and had total break failure.  Calls were frantically made and in end the options were few.  So I did what I had to do and put on my big girl shorts and put in a double.  And I didn’t do that once.  I did that twice.  Saturday and Sunday.

The best part is, it was tiring, but I actually liked doing all that work.  This either means I really love my job or makes me insane.  Or likely both.

Really though, the coolest part was that I had a first on Saturday evening as I was juggling a 15 top in addition to a nearly full section.  As I was introducing myself to a table of three, one of the guys stopped me.

“Wait, you’re Sauce?  Do you write that awesome blog?!”

In over two years of writing on, I have never had anyone recognize me at work – which is actually mildly surprising.  Not only was a recognized, he went on to tell the couple with him that reading my blog was a must and he’d forward it to them.  I was incredibly flattered.  My coolest table of the night had made my week.  And then they left me a 50% tip.  For that I love you.  Seriously.

Give me a sign if you’re reading this.  Like a cyber high five or something.

So if anyone else wants to come in and tell me how wonderful I am, I work pretty much all the time.  I’ll even give you a free soda.  Just don’t tell my boss.  He’ll really miss that $2.79.

Also, to the gentleman who came in and left me the note, silver dollar and chocolates, thanks for coming in to see me.  Sorry I wasn’t in that day, Hope you had fun and happy birthday!

A Note To Managers

If a girl who was the picture of perfect health yesterday calls in ten minutes before her shift because she's "throwing up everywhere," it's probably a lie.  If it happens to be Cinco de Mayo and it happens to fall on the most beautiful day of 2011 and the above happens, it's definitely a lie.

You're so gullible, manager!  I would make that girl come in and work.  It is her job after all.

By the way, I'm pretty sure I'm already coming down with something nasty for all of Memorial Day weekend.  Apparently fibbing is going around.

Are You Smarter Than a Hooters Girl?

She has glasses.  Obviously smart.

Wednesdays are trivia nights at my Hooters.  We call it “Are You Smarter Than a Hooters Girl?”  Feel free to make any jokes now.  I know exactly how that sounds.  Way back when we started doing trivia the name was just that – a name.  At no point did you actual play against a Hooters Girl.  This also meant that at no point did you get to find out if you were smarter than any Hooters Girls.  Unless you count the fact that I got the joy of writing all those trivia questions every week.  I’d say that made me a pretty smart Hooters Girl.  And one that totally hated Wednesdays.

Then a miracle happened.  In December we got Buzztime Trivia.  You know, that fancy on the TV trivia with the little blue answer boxes you can play at some restaurants and bars.  That meant that I never had to write another trivia question.  All these months later and I still haven’t had to write even one question.  It’s pretty much amazing.

What has changed however, is there is actually an “Are You Smarter Than a Hooters Girl?” game.  Of course we usually don’t play that.  It’s not that it’s not a good game, it’s that the crowd doesn’t like it as much as regular hosted trivia.  Hosted trivia is not only longer, but involves me as a host rather than a contestant.  Which people love.  I’m just loveable I suppose.

Of course this doesn’t mean that “Are You Smarter” has been totally avoided.  It’s been played a few times – mostly when our owner is around – including this evening.  And tonight, just like the other times we’ve played, it’s ended the same way.  I won.  In fact I am currently undefeated in “Are You Smarter Than a Hooters Girl?”  I suppose that means that no one is in fact smarter than this Hooters Girl.

While my success proves that fact, people instead see my winning as nothing but cheating.  It is assumed that I have seen the questions and answers before hand.  It is assumed incorrectly.  Believe it or not it is possible for a Hooters Girl to be smarter than you.

All my winning and all the subsequent whining has made it pretty clear that people don’t think smart and Hooters Girl go together.  Obviously this isn’t news to me, but it still pisses me right off.  Just because some girls aren’t the brightest bulbs doesn’t mean I’m one of them.  I’m lit up like a damn runway.  It also doesn’t mean I’m a cheater.  Guess what?  I’m smart and honest.  That’s just a few of the things that make me totally awesome.

Next time I kick your ass at trivia rest assured it’s totally reliant on my own laurels.  Yes, I really am smarter than you.  And look great in ultra tan pantyhose.  It’s a gift. 

A Journey through Search Terms Strikes Again

Every so often I like to open up Google Analytics and dive into the search terms that lead people to this blog.  It’s just sort of interesting to see how people got here.  It’s also interesting or sad to see how much people suck at grammar and spelling.  But I digress.

Of course it wouldn’t be fun if I just kept all these searches to myself.  That’s just selfish and a horrible waste of good content.  All that being said, lets jump into more searches and see if I can clear up some of those burning Hooters questions.

Do they flash you at Hooters?
I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that you’re a male between the ages of 11 and 15.  With that in mind, I understand why you had this question – your raging hormones and dropping balls made you do it.  Now, the simple answer to your question is no.  No, Hooters Girls will not flash you.  Unless you count sometimes forced smiles of course.  If you’re looking for flashing I suggest Mardi Gras or a strip club.  Of course you’d need to be of age for that; until then I’m sure you can get your sweaty little hands on a Playboy.  Ask your dad.

What is the history of Hooters?
Hooters began in 1983 when six dudes with no restaurant background decided to open a sports bar in Clearwater, Florida.  Being that six men started the venture, it’s no surprise that the restaurant featured fried food, cold beer and attractive waitresses in a casual atmosphere.  Fast forward a few years and Hooters now operates nearly 460 stores in 44 states and well over 20 countries.  For not knowing anything those guys clearly got something right.

What is bad about working at Hooters?
Like any serving job, probably the worst part of working at Hooters is dealing with total assholes that treat you like you’re not a real person with an actual life.  Of course if you read this blog on a regular basis you already knew that.  Let me go ahead and list some other (but certainly not all) negatives for you: shitty tippers, nylons, creepy old men, creepy young men, women who think you’re flirting, Hooters Girl drama, runs in nylons, wearing the uniform during your “special time,” having to sing the birthday song when you’re busy as shit, boob ooglers and did I mention shitty tippers?

Can you grab the boobs of the girls at Hooters?
Please refer above to “Do they flash you at Hooters,” my once again obviously pubescent friend.  No, you cannot grab a Hooters Girl.  Boobs or otherwise.  That sort of behavior isn’t even allowed at strip clubs.  I highly recommend a girlfriend.

What is the healthiest way to eat Hooters wings?
I hate to break to you, but wings and healthy are not exactly the best of friends.  It’s just one of those unfortunate byproducts of deep-frying.  The healthiest way would bet to not eat them at all.  Sorry to burst your I’m-going-to-lose-weight-while-eating-wings bubble.  That stuff just doesn’t happen.  If you still need your wings I’d suggest you get them naked and plain.  That’s means no wing sauce and no ranch.  Sounds nasty right?  Exactly.  Instead ask for boneless wings grilled and lightly sauced.  Still skip the dressing on the side.  Your ass will thank me later.

Are Hooters uniforms one size fits all?
Hooters uniforms do come in sizes.  They sizes available are xxxs, xxs, xs, and s.  If this seems totally unrealistic, that’s because it is.  Your Hooters uniform size does not reflect your true size in most cases.  I, for example, wear an xs-s (each uniform piece seems to fit differently) but wear a small to a medium or a 4-6 in my real life.

How do you ask a Hooters Girl to marry you?
First, I’d say an average of two to three years of serious dating is a good start.  You’re certainly not going to walk into a Hooters with a ring and get down on one knee in front of the first girl you see.  That’s just laughable.  Or creepy. 

How do you drink Aqua Net?
Are you serious right now?  That’s some pretty intense shit.  I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that’s probably not the best idea you’ve ever had.

I hate working at Hooters.
If you hate working at Hooters I’d recommend NOT working at Hooters.  It’s no secret that I love my job, but that certainly doesn’t make it for every one.  If you hate then it’s time to move on rather than passive aggressively searching on the Internet.  Just get ‘er done, honey.

What do I wear to eat at Hooters?
Luckily for you there is no formal dress code at Hooters.  That’s right, we don’t require sport jackets.  I would suggest clothes.

If your boobs are bigger than your waitress do you get a discount at Hooters?
That sounds like a rather innovative marketing campaign to me.  Unfortunately for all you DD+ ladies, Hooters does not offer discounts for your breast size.  I’m not going to get into all the issues that would arise with such a policy, but how would you even measure that?  Would it simply be a visible test?  Would there be scales and tape measure involved?  What about padding?  This feels way too complicated already.

Should I tape my ankles for triple jump?
Totally unrelated I know, but the trackster in me had to answer this.  Personally, I never taped my ankles for jumping unless I was recovering from a sprain.  Taping the ankles makes your joints too reliant on the external support and can cause you to lose some of your own strength and stability.  Obviously such a loss could eventually affect performance.  I’m not an expert, but I did jump over 37 feet and pay for college doing that shit.  I obviously got something right.

Does Hooters pay for boob jobs?
I am AMAZED at how prevalent this rumor is.  As I’ve mention before, Hooters does not pay for breast augmentations.  That would be one hell of a benefit system.

Hope I’ve cleared some things up.  Remember, if you have your own Hooters question, don't waste your time with Google and just email me instead – sauce@accordingtosauce.com

Silverware and Wings are Not Friends

Yum?  CREDIT.

In case anyone was wondering, wings are most defiantly a finger food.  This means you actually get to pick them up with your hands and stuff them in your hungry little face.  Your fingers become your utensils.  That’s just the way it is with wings.  And it’s one of the many reasons why we love the shit out of them.

That being said, nothing makes me cringe more than when a diner asks for silverware after I drop off a plate of spicy, greasy goodness at a table.  While I’m all for my guests being happy, there is probably nothing more awkward than watching a person try to attack a pile of wings with a fork and knife.  It’s just completely and utterly unnatural.

Imagine someone attempting to hold down a hot wing with a fork as it desperately tries to roll across the plate.  In their other hand, a knife painstakingly works at cutting the meat from the little, round bones.  The whole scene is just as uncomfortable as it sounds.

Every time this happens it takes everything within me not to yell, “pick the damn wings up and eat them!”  After all there is nothing in the least bit civilized about chicken wings.  And I think that’s kind of the point.  Wings are one of those wonderful foods that allow you to forgo all manners and eat like a caveman.  You can get dirty and no one cares.  You can eat with abandon.  You can be a total pig.  It’s all so wonderfully American.

So when it comes to wings, fork and knife need not apply.  If you’re one of those “proper” sorts of people that attempt the wing cutlery combo, please remember what you’re eating.  Also remember that your server is probably laughing at you as you struggle.  Do yourself a favor and pick those wings up and dig in.  After all there’s a reason why I give you endless paper towels and wet naps.  And it’s not so you can use a stupid fork.

Receipt Art: May 1, 2011

Remember how I used to draw on receipts all the time?  Well believe it or not I still do that on each and every receipt I print.  I just don't bring my phone to work anymore - because I try to be a good employee now and again - which is how I captured all those drawings.  The loss of my one source of immediate documentation has clearly reeked havoc on my posting of receipts.  Today I decided to attempt to remedy this lack of receipt artworks by actually bringing one home and posting it.  I'm going to do my best to keep this over achieving up.

So here it is.  My first receipt art post since December.

Isn't that little crab freaking adorable?!  I think I love him.  I also love the fact that I was able to sell a hot chocolate to a lady eating a blackened mahi sandwich.  Fish and chocolate.  I even impress myself sometimes.