04 May 2011

A Journey through Search Terms Strikes Again

Every so often I like to open up Google Analytics and dive into the search terms that lead people to this blog.  It’s just sort of interesting to see how people got here.  It’s also interesting or sad to see how much people suck at grammar and spelling.  But I digress.

Of course it wouldn’t be fun if I just kept all these searches to myself.  That’s just selfish and a horrible waste of good content.  All that being said, lets jump into more searches and see if I can clear up some of those burning Hooters questions.

Do they flash you at Hooters?
I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that you’re a male between the ages of 11 and 15.  With that in mind, I understand why you had this question – your raging hormones and dropping balls made you do it.  Now, the simple answer to your question is no.  No, Hooters Girls will not flash you.  Unless you count sometimes forced smiles of course.  If you’re looking for flashing I suggest Mardi Gras or a strip club.  Of course you’d need to be of age for that; until then I’m sure you can get your sweaty little hands on a Playboy.  Ask your dad.

What is the history of Hooters?
Hooters began in 1983 when six dudes with no restaurant background decided to open a sports bar in Clearwater, Florida.  Being that six men started the venture, it’s no surprise that the restaurant featured fried food, cold beer and attractive waitresses in a casual atmosphere.  Fast forward a few years and Hooters now operates nearly 460 stores in 44 states and well over 20 countries.  For not knowing anything those guys clearly got something right.

What is bad about working at Hooters?
Like any serving job, probably the worst part of working at Hooters is dealing with total assholes that treat you like you’re not a real person with an actual life.  Of course if you read this blog on a regular basis you already knew that.  Let me go ahead and list some other (but certainly not all) negatives for you: shitty tippers, nylons, creepy old men, creepy young men, women who think you’re flirting, Hooters Girl drama, runs in nylons, wearing the uniform during your “special time,” having to sing the birthday song when you’re busy as shit, boob ooglers and did I mention shitty tippers?

Can you grab the boobs of the girls at Hooters?
Please refer above to “Do they flash you at Hooters,” my once again obviously pubescent friend.  No, you cannot grab a Hooters Girl.  Boobs or otherwise.  That sort of behavior isn’t even allowed at strip clubs.  I highly recommend a girlfriend.

What is the healthiest way to eat Hooters wings?
I hate to break to you, but wings and healthy are not exactly the best of friends.  It’s just one of those unfortunate byproducts of deep-frying.  The healthiest way would bet to not eat them at all.  Sorry to burst your I’m-going-to-lose-weight-while-eating-wings bubble.  That stuff just doesn’t happen.  If you still need your wings I’d suggest you get them naked and plain.  That’s means no wing sauce and no ranch.  Sounds nasty right?  Exactly.  Instead ask for boneless wings grilled and lightly sauced.  Still skip the dressing on the side.  Your ass will thank me later.

Are Hooters uniforms one size fits all?
Hooters uniforms do come in sizes.  They sizes available are xxxs, xxs, xs, and s.  If this seems totally unrealistic, that’s because it is.  Your Hooters uniform size does not reflect your true size in most cases.  I, for example, wear an xs-s (each uniform piece seems to fit differently) but wear a small to a medium or a 4-6 in my real life.

How do you ask a Hooters Girl to marry you?
First, I’d say an average of two to three years of serious dating is a good start.  You’re certainly not going to walk into a Hooters with a ring and get down on one knee in front of the first girl you see.  That’s just laughable.  Or creepy. 

How do you drink Aqua Net?
Are you serious right now?  That’s some pretty intense shit.  I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that’s probably not the best idea you’ve ever had.

I hate working at Hooters.
If you hate working at Hooters I’d recommend NOT working at Hooters.  It’s no secret that I love my job, but that certainly doesn’t make it for every one.  If you hate then it’s time to move on rather than passive aggressively searching on the Internet.  Just get ‘er done, honey.

What do I wear to eat at Hooters?
Luckily for you there is no formal dress code at Hooters.  That’s right, we don’t require sport jackets.  I would suggest clothes.

If your boobs are bigger than your waitress do you get a discount at Hooters?
That sounds like a rather innovative marketing campaign to me.  Unfortunately for all you DD+ ladies, Hooters does not offer discounts for your breast size.  I’m not going to get into all the issues that would arise with such a policy, but how would you even measure that?  Would it simply be a visible test?  Would there be scales and tape measure involved?  What about padding?  This feels way too complicated already.

Should I tape my ankles for triple jump?
Totally unrelated I know, but the trackster in me had to answer this.  Personally, I never taped my ankles for jumping unless I was recovering from a sprain.  Taping the ankles makes your joints too reliant on the external support and can cause you to lose some of your own strength and stability.  Obviously such a loss could eventually affect performance.  I’m not an expert, but I did jump over 37 feet and pay for college doing that shit.  I obviously got something right.

Does Hooters pay for boob jobs?
I am AMAZED at how prevalent this rumor is.  As I’ve mention before, Hooters does not pay for breast augmentations.  That would be one hell of a benefit system.

Hope I’ve cleared some things up.  Remember, if you have your own Hooters question, don't waste your time with Google and just email me instead – sauce@accordingtosauce.com


  1. Yeah, the search terms that lead people to my blog are kinda bizarre, too---getting a lot of hits now for "dis and dat" which brings up a post of mine from months ago. Don't know why anybody would search for that. I did see where a website with a URL like "howtomeetwomen.com" linked to my blog--I *really* REALLY hope there isn't some poor shmuck who is using *me* for dating tips. That is a VERY bad idea.

  2. Also, if they gave discounts for having big boobs methinks that some of the (male) regulars would wind up getting a free ride.

  3. has anyone ever heard of a restaurant where the waitresses welcome grabs and go around flashing the clientele? i swear, some people and their questions....obviously lacking in common sense.

  4. @Aubree:

    I have never heard of such a place, but if you ever do, please let me know the location IMMEDIATELY! Just for research purposes, of course.

  5. "How do you ask a Hooters Girl to marry you?"

    haha. I love this question. Seems like many people want to marry Hooters Girls. Love Google Analytics too.

    Cathy@lab coat



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