08 June 2010

Uncovering the Hooters Truths

Here we are, a shift at Hooters later.  It was a good day.  I judge this not in tips, but by the fact that the sun was actually out.  I honestly feel like it has been raining forever.  And by forever I mean since it stopped snowing.  And by since it stopped snowing I mean May.  See why sun equals good day?  Sun = patio seating = free tanning + making tips = good effing day.  It's a rather simple equation really.

So all during said good day, I've been thinking about what I was going to post upon returning home.  This weighed heavily upon me.  Well that or that fifty-plate of wings I had to carry.  Either way.  Any I came to the conclusion that the first thing I should do is recap a few past posts.  Then I had to figure out which previous posts were worth reposting and suddenly I came to the conclusion that the Hooters Truths were a darn good place to start.

Being a Hooters Girl there are certain things that become an everyday part of life. These things, that I call the Hooters Truths, can be annoying, exasperating and utterly hilarious in addition to being glaringly unavoidable.  Originally, the Truths were posted in Volumes I, II and III.  I now present them as a complete set for your enjoyment.

As a Hooters Girl you WILL:
1.   Gain what can only be described as an intense loathing for nylons.
2.   Go through crazy amounts of makeup, as you are required to wear it daily.
3.   Most likely stop doing your hair and makeup when you have a day off.
4.   Love your pouch as it is the best defense against ever present camel toe
5.   Smell like chicken wings, hot grease, and beer pretty much all the time.
6.   Be disgusted by the copious amounts of ranch consumed by Americans.
7.   Know the words to nearly every popular 80s song and 70s song and 60s and 50s song.
8.   Become addicted to lip gloss.
9.   Turn and look whenever you hear clapping – everywhere you go.
10.   Try the notorious “double bra” to enhance your cleavage.
11.   Become a pro at hula hooping, beer pouring, yelling, paper towel kicking, and dancing the Cotton-Eyed Joe among other things.
12.   Own Sharpies in every color.
13.   Have stinky ass feet (disgusting I know, sorry).
14.   Start standing the “Hooters way” in every picture you take, even in real life.
15.   Miss nail polish.
16.   Find any and every way to incorporate hearts into your name.
17.   Realize that bleach pens and Tide-to-Go are quite possibly the best inventions ever.
18.   Become wildly overprotective of your pens.
19.   Develop the perfect “Hooters voice” for saying, “Hi! Welcome to Hooters!” This will sound nothing like your actual voice.
20.   Become an expert, though often reluctant, wing deboner.
21.   Come to find that guys are horribly unoriginal when it comes to pickup lines.
22.   Make teenage boys uncomfortable on a daily basis.
23.   Learn all sorts of stupid things to write on T-shirts such as “Hugs & Jugs”, “Hoots & Kisses”, “Breast Wishes” or "Hoot, Hoot, You're Cute."
24.   Know that clear nail polish or hair spray are essential tools in preventing little nylon runs from becoming big ones.
25.   Put off using the bathroom as long as possible so you can avoid the annoyance of removing your pouch and pulling down your nylons and shorts just to spend five minutes getting them all in the “just right” spot again.
26.   Increase your flexibility through the game of limbo. Unless you are tall, then they will just make you hold the bar.
27.   Hate chicken.
28.   Find that good posture makes you appear skinnier.
29.   Be asked if you are on the menu and available for order.
30.   Realize that everyone really does have a “good side” and a “bad side” when it comes to taking pictures. It will be your goal to be on this side always.
31.   Either love or hate fried pickles. There will be no in between.
32.   Hear the words “naked” and “wet” together far too often.
33.   Love Fridays and special occasions because it means you can wear black.
34.   Babysit.
35.   Never walk to your car alone.
36.   Upsell like it’s your job because according to management, it is your job.
37.   Be asked by friends if they can try on your shorts, usually by friends with penises.
38.   Eat TONS of salad.
39.   Have an imaginary boyfriend/fiancé/husband or seamlessly mention your real one in conversation to handle creeps.
40.   Know just to how to wear your shorts to best combat muffin top.

A Little Bit About Sauce:  Get to know a little bit about this blogging Hooters Girl

Uniform of a Hooters Girl:  Explore the intricacies of the Hooters Uniform from top to bottom.

You & I:  For those interested in checking out some of my music


  1. Please note that Blogger is being lame and not letting me edit this post. Yeah, it has mistakes. Yeah, it's bugging me too. I adore you, Blogger, but get it together!

  2. Love all the "truths" you've shared! Is it weird I've always wanted to work there? i probably should have put that in formspring? my bad :)

  3. Ironically I never wanted to work here. But I have to say (to my surprise) I adore my job. Life is funny like that I suppose!

  4. As a 47 year old single (long divorced) male hominid who has never been to HOOTERS I never even thought about what it must be like. Myself, I am a "guy with a guitar" who plays and writes songs just for something to do. I really do hope that your dreams become true. Dare to dream...

  5. thats so interesting. I'm from England...and didn't even know what Hooters was...I do now! XXX

  6. Lol :) I have to say I found this very entertaining! I've never been to Hooters but I'm interested to try it now; just for the fun of it! :) Keep up the humorous pieces!

  7. Looks like being a Hooters Girl is more intense than going to school.....all the extra makeup and effort you have to make everyday...

    if you can make it at Hooters, you can pretty much make it anywhere lol

  8. I love your Hooter Truths, some of these can just be used on a day to day basis for me !(I live in Las Vegas, city of the creepy pervy people)

  9. That is an incredible list. Thanks for the insight into the culture. Some were funny too - stinky feet.

  10. Wow, working at Hooters sounds interesting!

  11. What a list! It sounds...tiring. I don't know if I'd have the stamina for all of that. Or the patience.

  12. #6. Be disgusted by the copious amounts of ranch consumed by Americans.

    Ugh. I nearly gag watching people eat cheese sticks and ranch. Fat, fried in fat, dipped in fat.

  13. I can relate to #36. I upsell without even realizing it anymore because it's been so ingrained into my head at work, and our customers hate it! Some, however, are "polite" in their complaint and tell me they "know it's part of the job". I just smile and tell people to voice their complaints on our website (knowing full well that the upsell will never die). :-)

    Loved this post! Tons of fun reading it :-)

  14. lol this is so hilarious!
    Anyway, I've only been to Hooters once. My older brother drug me there after I came out (I'm gay by the way)to my family. Apparently he thought a trip there would make me reevaluate my decision (lol).
    I actually had fun and you Hooters girls are so pretty and nice! =0)

  15. Hilarious how true this is for all of us Hooters Girls. After shift last night, the three of us closers had a several minute conversation about where our pens went. :) And later a discussion on new things to write on the millions of shirts and balloons we sign. The life of a Hooters Girl is nothing short of interesting. Never did I think I would hear "Youre a master of your art." while I deboned 150 wings as fast as my fingers would allow.



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