Uncovering the Hooters Truths

Here we are, a shift at Hooters later.  It was a good day.  I judge this not in tips, but by the fact that the sun was actually out.  I honestly feel like it has been raining forever.  And by forever I mean since it stopped snowing.  And by since it stopped snowing I mean May.  See why sun equals good day?  Sun = patio seating = free tanning + making tips = good effing day.  It's a rather simple equation really.

So all during said good day, I've been thinking about what I was going to post upon returning home.  This weighed heavily upon me.  Well that or that fifty-plate of wings I had to carry.  Either way.  Any I came to the conclusion that the first thing I should do is recap a few past posts.  Then I had to figure out which previous posts were worth reposting and suddenly I came to the conclusion that the Hooters Truths were a darn good place to start.

Being a Hooters Girl there are certain things that become an everyday part of life. These things, that I call the Hooters Truths, can be annoying, exasperating and utterly hilarious in addition to being glaringly unavoidable.  Originally, the Truths were posted in Volumes I, II and III.  I now present them as a complete set for your enjoyment.

As a Hooters Girl you WILL:

1.   Gain what can only be described as an intense loathing for nylons.

2.   Go through crazy amounts of makeup, as you are required to wear it daily.

3.   Most likely stop doing your hair and makeup when you have a day off.

4.   Love your pouch as it is the best defense against ever present camel toe

5.   Smell like chicken wings, hot grease, and beer pretty much all the time.

6.   Be disgusted by the copious amounts of ranch consumed by Americans.

7.   Know the words to nearly every popular 80s song and 70s song and 60s and 50s song.

8.   Become addicted to lip gloss.

9.   Turn and look whenever you hear clapping – everywhere you go.

10.   Try the notorious “double bra” to enhance your cleavage.

11.   Become a pro at hula hooping, beer pouring, yelling, paper towel kicking, and dancing the Cotton-Eyed Joe among other things.

12.   Own Sharpies in every color.

13.   Have stinky ass feet (disgusting I know, sorry).

14.   Start standing the “Hooters way” in every picture you take, even in real life.

15.   Miss nail polish.
16.   Find any and every way to incorporate hearts into your name.

17.   Realize that bleach pens and Tide-to-Go are quite possibly the best inventions ever.

18.   Become wildly overprotective of your pens.

19.   Develop the perfect “Hooters voice” for saying, “Hi! Welcome to Hooters!” This will sound nothing like your actual voice.

20.   Become an expert, though often reluctant, wing deboner.

21.   Come to find that guys are horribly unoriginal when it comes to pickup lines.

22.   Make teenage boys uncomfortable on a daily basis.

23.   Learn all sorts of stupid things to write on T-shirts such as “Hugs & Jugs”, “Hoots & Kisses”, “Breast Wishes” or "Hoot, Hoot, You're Cute."

24.   Know that clear nail polish or hair spray are essential tools in preventing little nylon runs from becoming big ones.

25.   Put off using the bathroom as long as possible so you can avoid the annoyance of removing your pouch and pulling down your nylons and shorts just to spend five minutes getting them all in the “just right” spot again.
26.   Increase your flexibility through the game of limbo. Unless you are tall, then they will just make you hold the bar.

27.   Hate chicken.

28.   Find that good posture makes you appear skinnier.

29.   Be asked if you are on the menu and available for order.

30.   Realize that everyone really does have a “good side” and a “bad side” when it comes to taking pictures. It will be your goal to be on this side always.

31.   Either love or hate fried pickles. There will be no in between.

32.   Hear the words “naked” and “wet” together far too often.

33.   Love Fridays and special occasions because it means you can wear black.

34.   Babysit.

35.   Never walk to your car alone.

36.   Upsell like it’s your job because according to management, it is your job.

37.   Be asked by friends if they can try on your shorts, usually by friends with penises.

38.   Eat TONS of salad.

39.   Have an imaginary boyfriend/fiancé/husband or seamlessly mention your real one in conversation to handle creeps.

40.   Know just to how to wear your shorts to best combat muffin top.

ADDITIONAL POSTS OF INTEREST:

A Little Bit About Sauce:  Get to know a little bit about this blogging Hooters Girl

Uniform of a Hooters Girl:  Explore the intricacies of the Hooters Uniform from top to bottom.

You & I:  For those interested in checking out some of my music